


reading the stars

by coloredblue



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bookstore, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Student/Teacher, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Disorder, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Sex, F/M, Finn and Rose exude chaotic energy, Fluff because they deserve it and so do we, Mutual Pining, Rey is not a skywalker, Shade at TROS, Slow Burn, Teacher-Student Relationship, sort of she's not really his student
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:53:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 72,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22180600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coloredblue/pseuds/coloredblue
Summary: Ben Solo knew better than to let himself get attached. He had managed to stay away from all the possible dangers his childhood and adolescence had taught him. Unwillingly, because he had most certainly not wanted it at that time. But he got it. And he was fine now, 3459 miles away.He had been twenty-three when he decided that passing to other people the knowledge of the one thing he was actually attached to and was sure would never ever leave him, was the way he wanted to go. And he had been twenty-seven when he started teaching it to another crowd of people.As a newly thirty-year-old, he was in the same place. He was still fine. The addition of challenging hazel eyes, odd hairstyles and a bright smile wouldn’t completely mess with the calculations of his life.That’s one thing he didn’t have to worry about.
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 89
Kudos: 178





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! This is my first ever Reylo fic :) 
> 
> I didn't dare to write about them before, because as we know, they are just so awesome and I didn't know if I could do them justice. Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (2019) directed by JJ Abrams left a hole in my heart but also finally gave me the courage to write a fic about my two loves. To deal with the pain.
> 
> They deserve their happy ending, even if WE are the ones who are going to have to give it to them, even if it's in an alternative universe. 
> 
> Thank you so much to whoever finds this, in advance <3

The light hit him right in the face, again. Almost like it wanted to get inside, through his eyes, and light up his entire soul.

Okay, that might’ve been an exaggeration but he sure as hell felt annoyed by now.

It was the only spot in the whole school library where he could actually concentrate enough to read and mark papers. All the other spots where either filled with students who would chat a little  _ too _ loudly despite the old librarian’s constant shoos. Others would be occupied by his colleagues who also would engage in rather unproductive conversations. They had a whole area made especially for them to socially interact, sip coffee and “ship students” (he remembered overhearing the term and then looking it up on the internet, strange but interesting results), so why still go to the library to do the exact same things?

Ben wasn’t really too close to any of them, his co-workers, not even the ones from his English department, whom weren’t many really. Their department was rather small. He had resolved that was fine. “I don’t come here to make friends, I come here to work” was what he would remind himself sometimes when his gaze would linger a little too longer at the seemingly fun times and laughs some of them would share. It was a cliché line and he wasn’t too fond on clichés, even if he had to read them daily and sometimes even write them, but it was still a rational way of thinking. Ben liked rational thinking.

Besides, it’s not like he didn’t have any friends at all, Phasma and Hux were his friends…

He closed the folder with the exams in it. He knew where this was going, he was going to start overthinking.

_ I don’t want to be close to them. Two Physics teachers and a Law one were all making fun of the head of the Business department because she got divorced for a second time. When she came into the room, they all hugged her and  _ cried _. “Marie, he was a  _ dog _!” _

Yeah, he certainly didn’t need any of them inviting him to group dinners, only to have him as the main topic of the “roasting spree”, like the ones they do on TV with celebrities, before his arrival.

One time had been enough.

Ben grabbed his three folders and colored pens and quickly placed them inside his black bag.

He sighed; he would have to finish the markings at home.

It’s not like he couldn’t do it there, at home. He lived alone, after all, and the lightning in his apartment was good enough. He just felt like all the energy in him would always get stuck into an invisible wall separating his apartment door and the exterior world. That’s why he preferred doing the whole ordeal some place outside.

He checked his phone as he made his way out of the library.  **08:30** . He had class in exactly thirty minutes.

He glared at the parked cars right outside of the library, facing directly to his favorite spot. Cursing the sun and the direction of the light and the reflection it produced, would be too much of a stretch, but he suddenly felt like it. Also, people who owned cars in general.

His opinion would be different if he didn’t live so close to his workplace, probably. He still liked walking better and occasionally taking cabs.

Making his way towards the building, he then found himself in his class twenty minutes before time.

Already sat down at his desk, placing his books on top, he made a mental review of everything that would be said and taught for the day. An assignment had been sent a few days ago and they had to hand it out that day.

Ben looked down at the sleeves of his black sweater and tightly closed his eyes.

_ The assignment was about… it was about… _

_ Right, right, right. _

He exhaled and opened his eyes.

He checked the hour again. Ten minutes.

Ben left all of his things in place, closed the door and quickly made his way to the bathroom.

Five minutes later, his students were arriving. He stopped his walk when he noticed one of them nervously checking his phone right outside of the room. The two soon locked eyes and the boy quickly put his device away as he nodded at Ben, greeting him. Ben made his own version of a nod and quickly entered the classroom. The boy followed behind.

**9:05.** Ben started the class while still giving people ten more minutes to arrive before finally closing the door. It was the policy from the university. He really didn’t care too much at what time they would arrive or if they didn’t arrive at all. He would mark assistance daily solely because he was asked to do it.

It definitely wasn’t some sort of special sympathy towards the young students, he just believed they were grown enough to make decisions for themselves whether or not they wanted to spend their time learning about tropes, poetics and narrative in general or to go and do something else. And well, yes, sometimes people would go through  _ stuff _ that didn’t allow them to attend classes once in a while. He certainly knew what that felt like.

Okay, maybe it  _ was _ sympathy after all.

Still, he was well aware that his students didn’t like him. Not much surprise there. Especially when it came to marking papers. They always preferred the professors who would smile. So, he wouldn’t make an effort to show too much sympathy either.

_ It is what it is. _

Ten minutes later, Ben closed the door and started writing on the board. He caught from the corner of his eye that someone had arrived a few moments later but then left probably as they saw the closed door.

One hour had passed and they had already covered the assigned reading for the week. Ben had to physically turn around at one point at the half-assed answer one of his favorite students gave.

He wasn’t a complete asshole, he knew it wasn’t possible to understand some topics quickly and at the same pace as the rest, but sometimes it would be too much of something that he would question humanity’s sanity.

He sighed.

Thankfully, Rose Tico gave a way better answer at comparing themes from  _ The Gospel According to Jesus Christ _ by Saramago with  _ The Iliad _ . Now, she was a decent student. He saw some people taking notes at her words.

Ben had some students who had chosen the class as an elective, so he would be easier with them in his mind, but even they would still give better answers than half-ass replier.

One of the elective kids was named Finn, who would always sit next to Rose Tico. The one from outside the classroom with his phone. He always gave Ben distrustful looks whenever they would interact in class, for some reason. Maybe he didn’t trust people with constant glares on their faces.

_ No can do _ , it was like an impulse.

Another hour had passed, and they had managed to cover another subject more. Ben sat down on his chair again.

“Okay,” he cleared his throat “you had a week to write your assignments so it’s time to hand them in. Remember, you had to follow the instructions that I gave you or else I won’t be able to mark them.” He said as he opened one of his folders for the papers. He hated having to carry them but he needed to in order to properly mark. Also, university demanded to have them in physical copies, so there it was.

The recycling campaign wasn’t doing too well.

The students started grabbing their bags, papers in their hands. They started placing them one by one on top of his folder, as they knew they had to, and proceeded to leave the classroom.

After everyone left, Ben grabbed the folder, the rest of his things and left the classroom too.

* * *

Ben had to break the invisible wall.

He only had two days left to give the papers back to the students and he still had a dozen to check.

He had arranged to get fixed and painted some of the walls from his apartment so he had to overlook that. It had taken more of his spare time than he had calculated.

There was also the fact that Hux had asked for his help with a case that involved some professor from another college and he needed (free) advice in some points regarding school policies. He had also left him locked up in his house after running off to the court and Ben had to unwillingly take care of his cat for five whole hours. He was scared shitless of the grumpy old orange cat Hux owned so he just stayed put in his place, while the cat did its things, until his friend came back. And he hadn’t brought his work stuff.

So now Ben was groaning in annoyance as he pulled the remaining papers on top of his kitchen table to start marking them.

So far, things weren’t terrible. He had guessed it was a rather not so complex assignment after all and thankfully his students had caught most of the instructions. In short, they had to write a creative piece based on another particular form of art.

This particular course wasn’t too much about writing, but he still liked to assign exercises every once in a while, to check on his students.

Just as he was putting away the Tico girl’s marked paper, his hand slipped on top of his folder and something thicker than paper fell on the floor.

Ben scowled at it and picked it up.

It was a picture.

A painting, he soon corrected.

In the painting, an oil one, was a small grey figure at the left bottom, in what seemed like a yellow desert. The sky was blue, cloudless. The only thing that could be seen in that clear sky was a black small looking spaceship, taking off. The grey figure was looking up at other two grey but bigger figures in the distance, who seemed like were making their way towards the single one. Like, at some point, they were going to meet in the middle, after a long time.

“Belonging” was imprinted with messy handwriting at the right bottom of the painting, next to an unrecognizable signature.

Ben looked at it for a few minutes.

His eyes averted to the next paper on top of his table.

Finn’s.

Had he done it?

Ben looked back at the painting and then again back at the paper. The title also stated “Belonging”.

So it was his.

That day he had noticed in particular when Rose Tico and the Finn boy put down their papers- While Rose had done it with a proud expression on her face, Finn did it with hesitation. Ben had scowled at Finn’s papers at that time, it seemed like he had handed several in.

Now he understood why: he had attached the painting he must’ve written his assignment about.

Well, it certainly was good for visual reference but putting it in didn’t mean he was going to get extra credit for it.

Ben looked at the painting again.

Belonging.

* * *

It was Friday and Ben felt exhausted.

His hands flew to his face for a few seconds, took a breath and went back to seeing his class who were finishing reading a passage from their next book.

He had handed out their writing assignments three days ago. Most of them seemed pleased with their grades as he had given them, but Ben didn’t really pay too much attention to people’s reactions. He preferred to check on their gestures when they would  _ first _ hand in their work, because after that, when he would give them back, they would always have the same hopeful expressions.

He hadn’t been able to dismiss Rose Tico’s cry of happiness, and immediate apology right after, when she saw her grade. She, along with another boy, were the ones who got the highest marks. Right after her, he had returned Finn’s, so he got to notice he had looked disappointed.

Ben looked down at his sleeves now.

His phone chimed next to his hand.

“Class dismissed.” He announced as he locked his phone.

The students started packing at their usual speedy pace and started leaving.

Ben almost snorted at that. He also wanted to leave. He needed to prepare his lunch earlier if he wanted to resume the book he was currently reading as soon as possible.

He wished he could jump from the excitement of waiting for frozen food.

Things packed, Ben was ready to leave when he noticed the Finn boy by the door, his back facing him.

The boy seemed to be talking to someone.

Ben was about to tell him to step aside please, but soon realized Finn was not only talking to someone but being  _ dragged _ by the arm by them.

The small struggle lasted for only two more seconds when suddenly a girl appeared in the door frame.

Finn looked devastated and audibly sighed, like he had just lost the fight of his life.

Ben looked back at the girl in front of him.

She was significantly shorter than him and had her brown hair down.

And didn’t look too happy either as she grabbed her bag strap with her hand and looked up at him. A star-shaped keychain hanging from it jingled as she did so.

“You must be Professor Solo. May I have a word?”

Ben blinked at her tone. It didn’t sound rude, more like firm, but it was still odd that was being directed to him by someone he had never met before. A British accent he had come to get used to by the years.

He frowned. “Yes, it’s me. What is the matter?”

“I wanted to talk about my painting.” She replied, a similar frown on her face now.

As if Ben wasn’t confused enough. “Excuse me? What painting?”

He didn’t remember engaging with anybody from the visual arts department recently, or, like at all.

Unless –

“The painting your student Finn here used for one of your assignments a few days ago. Remember?” She explained, still firmly.

_ That _ painting.

So, Finn hadn’t been the one who did it. He noticed the boy again, who seemed petrified by the situation unfolding before his eyes.

Belonging.

“I do. What seems to be the problem?” He asked, still confused as to where this was going, his eyebrows raised.

“I just don’t understand what was wrong with the prose he handed you.” She pointed at herself. “It was based on something  _ I _ did, and I think his perception of it was the right one. The same one I had when I painted it. However, the explanation you gave him in the paper was one completely opposite of what it truly was meant to be.”

_ Oh _ . So that was what it was about. She was a little upset his friend got a regular mark. He wondered why Finn hadn’t just come to him and tell him himself.

_ Because they don’t like talking to you. _

Fair enough.

He frowned again. “Listen, sometimes our perception of things isn’t all that matters. There are other factors to be considered while marking papers. Sadly, your friend here” he gestured towards Finn “didn’t follow all of the instructions he was given. Attaching the piece also wouldn’t give him extra credit.”

He hadn’t even taken away too many points because of the content Finn wrote  _ per se _ , it had been more so about structure and drafting, so why was this girl –

She ignored the whole marking part thing. “You wrote “Sometimes we have to kill the past, if we have to. That’s the only way to become what we’re meant to be”” she said without skipping a beat as she looked at him “why would you write something like that?”

She had actually _ memorized  _ that _? _ Needless to say, Ben was kind of impressed. Besides, it wasn’t every day somebody would throw at him the words he had written himself.

But he felt mostly annoyed, he thought, this is what he got for trying to put some perspective on students.

“It was a side note. English teachers, and teachers in general, sometimes tend to do that, putting perspective” he tried to explain to the girl “and from mine that’s what it is. That need to desperately hold on to the past isn’t right. It doesn’t let you keep forward; it stops you from becoming something bigger and greater.”

“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to hold on to your past. Especially if you don’t know it fully and want to explore it. You can find comfort and belonging there when it seems like there’s no future ahead.” She made a gesture with her hands as she spoke. “Not everybody has their future set in stone. Not everybody can go forward in life with as much security and confidence as others. That take you gave… it’s just too extreme.”

Oh, if he knew anything about security and confidence, he would be the happiest.

The girl certainly seemed to emanate more of those than him in just the very short span of time they had spent speaking to each other.

Finn stepped forward now. He put his hand on her shoulder. “Okay, Re-”

“Holding on is never a good thing, letting go –” Ben quickly said “A hand coming from behind can drag you down, but maybe another one can pull you forward…”

He immediately thought of a phrase he once heard.

But decided to keep it.

He didn’t even know why he was giving this situation as much as attention as he had already given it. He should’ve already left home.

The girl looked at him. The firmness in her posture was not the same as before.

“A hand –”

Finn stepped forward again, for good now.

He grabbed her arm gently, as he told her “Hey, let’s go, you’re gonna be late for class.” He then looked at Ben, sheepishly. “I’m really sorry, Professor Solo, we’ll leave now.”

She looked at Finn, her gaze way less stern, as it was now aimed at him, probably realizing he was right about the class thing (Ben doubt she was “sorry” for something so she definitely wasn’t agreeing with that) and let herself get dragged away once and for all.

Ben looked at the time, not many minutes had passed so he could still arrive home in time to have lunch and do everything else he needed to do.

He was finally able to close the classroom door and adjusted the bag strap over his shoulder.

As he did that, he had looked at the pair walking away down the hallway until they disappeared from sight.

He shook his head. Not sure if at them or himself.

He left to go home.

* * *

Ben went to sleep early that night after drinking some coffee and not reading as many pages from his book as he had previously wished to.


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo! Thank you so, so, much for reading, commenting and leaving kudos on the first chapter ❤️ meant the whole world to me, truly.
> 
> Here’s chapter 2! Hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Side note: Don’t even think for one second you’re in the wrong for loving this cool-as-fuck ship. It sucks that the actions of a public person are causing an entire fandom full of young women, who have probably never even said a thing about them, to get generalized and harassed. The Reylo fandom is one of the most amazing, talented, supportive, creative and kind I’ve ever been part of and I can say this with full confidence. The community here in AO3 is also proof of that, besides the one I see on Twitter and Tumblr on the daily. So spread that love, be vocal about it and just adore your ship. Once again, you’re not in the wrong side of the story, and believe me, we’ll see how this plays out in the future.

Ben woke up with a headache.

He groaned as he sloppily pressed his screen phone several times with his thumb, until he finally hit the alarm button.

The room was silent again.

Sitting up on his bed, slowly, he stared at the empty beige wall in front of him for at least good ten minutes, until he found the will to get up from bed.

Making his way towards the bathroom, he noticed the room looked a little bit too dark for the already normal every day darkness of seven in the morning. The time he would always get up.

He washed himself and quickly opened up the brown cabinet above his head, as he grabbed something from it and closed it a little too stronger than he intended to.

He winced at the sound.

Standing in his empty kitchen, he poured water in a glass and quickly swallowed the pill he had gotten from his cabinet. Normally, he would try to eat first before doing so, but the pain was becoming almost unbearable in just the short span of time it took him from getting up and walking out of his bedroom.

Ben sat down on the couch from his living room and put his head between his hands, as he slowly but rhythmically rubbed his forehead.

_ Think about yourself physically. Think about the way your body is physically behaving. From head to toe. Step by step. Down-up, up-down. Is it in harmony or is it conflicted? Emotionally… _

Ben opened his eyes and shook his head. The exercises he had learned from that session his mother made him go to years ago would somehow come back into his mind, every once in a while.

Think about your feet, your legs, your knees, your hands, your head…

“Feet, legs, knees, hands, head” he repeated out loud, his eyes closed again.

Even if he didn’t want to admit it to himself, because he had completely hated going to those sessions, sometimes it worked.

Not this time, no, he wasn’t being patient enough.

He lay down, put his arm above his forehead and breathed in and out for some good minutes.

Thankfully that day he didn’t have classes until late in the afternoon so he didn’t have to worry about that yet. However, he had to prepare some material for it.

Ben decided to just start making some breakfast and coffee, and about a half hour later, his headache had gotten down by a little.

It was now bearable and Ben could leave the house.

He looked into his wardrobe and grabbed a black shirt, black pants and black sweater from the arsenal he owned. He would think that if, somehow, someday, an army of angry goth dark lords casually happened to break into his home and roam through his closet and properties, they would probably have the time of their lives.

Or, well, just someone who liked wearing black clothes in general would do.

Ben grabbed his bag with everything he had placed inside of it the night before as he also put on his shoes.

He grabbed his apartment keys and made his way out.

* * *

Ben looked out at the window.

It was raining.

More like  _ pouring _ , and he was stranded in the library. In the rush of the morning, he had forgotten to bring an umbrella.

Apparently, also, that he lived in London out of all places.

It wasn’t unusual, that, him forgetting things. But he should’ve predicted it.

Yesterday, that dark morning, it hadn’t rained then but maybe it was just announcing it for later. Today it hadn’t been as dark, so it was kind of like a “you should’ve seen this coming before” type of thing.

Yesterday, also, his headache had lasted way longer than he expected. He had arrived at the university and done all of his shenanigans of the day, all while having to endure the constant thumping on his head. It actually got to the point where he had to stop what he was doing for a while to call his doctor, because yes. A few minutes later after the call and explanation from both him and the doctor, the pain had stopped and he was fine again.

He sighed as the raindrops hit the library windows and he went back to his usual desk. Good thing was, the sun wasn’t hitting him in the face like all the other times because there was no sun.

Bad thing was, he was already done with his work and wanted to go out.

He definitely didn’t need to catch a cold in late April. Or literally at any time. He was “massive rubbish _ ” _ when he had a cold, as Phasma would say to him. And he knew because he could irritate himself too, especially at times like those.

He sat down and looked around.

People were as always engaged in conversations or in themselves. He noticed a couple sitting by the desk right in front of his. They were holding hands as if their lives depended on it (literally, he could see knuckles turning white from the spot) on top of the table while reading their respective books.

He took his phone out from his pocket and started reading an article about pollution.

Several minutes later after finishing, he looked up again at the big windows and noticed the rain wasn’t going down as hard as before. He definitely hadn’t noticed the sudden lowering of the sound. He saw this as an opportunity and quickly grabbed his bag and got up.

He walked fast across the library halls and made his way out of the place.

He had been almost sprinting (he never did that) so that caused him to almost bump into two people at the entrance.

Ben looked down at them.

It was the couple from before. They looked up at him too, confused. Still holding hands.

“Sorry” he mumbled and quickly left.

He started walking at a normal pace now, but still taking long steps, as the floor outside was obviously wet and he didn’t need to bump into another person or to fall down on his ass today. It was drizzling now, but the sky was still full of clouds so it was a matter of time before the war began again and would last until who knows when.

And so, it did.

_ Fuck. _

It only took five minutes after Ben had left the library for it to start raining again and he was nowhere near his destination. He audibly groaned as he frantically looked around for some form of shelter, as the brave people were getting their umbrellas out.

An old white building stood in between a bunch of also very old looking trees around, which barely had any leaves left.

Ben had only passed by it before since that was one from the engineering department and he obviously never had had any business going on there.

He quickly made his way towards it, noticing the roofed area the building had right outside. Careful not to make a spectacle of himself and fall on the pavement, he arrived before the rain could get even worse.

He let out a sigh of relief as he had managed to only get his hair and sweater a little bit wet. He slapped away the little raindrops that had fallen on top of his bag.

Taking his phone out of his pocket he remembered he barely had ten percent left of battery. He frowned.

“Well, fucking shit.” He announced as he put it away.

“It seems Professor Solo doesn’t like the rain.”

Ben quickly turned around at the sound of that sudden voice, but there was no one there.

“Down.”

He looked down and saw her.

He recognized the painting girl from two weeks ago.

Yes, that’s how he had been referring to her in his mind ever since the  _ thing _ from the other day outside his classroom.

She was looking up at him, sitting down on the floor, the same blue bag resting next to her and she had a heavy looking book placed on top of her legs.

“I’m sorry…” He said and quickly added, “for the bad words. I didn’t realize I wasn’t alone.”

She nodded slowly. “Figured. Don’t worry, though. Not everybody likes the rain.”

“It’s not that, I mean, I saw I only had ten percent of battery.” He looked back at the once again pouring rain. “And it seems this isn’t stopping anytime soon.”

The rain was hitting the ground as if it was revengeful.

Thankfully, it wasn’t windy or else the improvised shelter wouldn’t have really done much to help.

“So, you do like the rain?” She asked.

He went back to looking at her. “Excuse me?”

She motioned forward with her chin. “The rain.” She emphasized. “Do you like it?”

Ben suddenly felt stupid.

It was a simply question.

But he wasn’t so sure of the answer.

He thought for a few.

“In general, I do.” He finally said. “It’s relaxing.”

_ And it doesn’t hit me in the face when I’m trying to work inside the library. _

“I had never seen someone take so long to answer that question.” She said, eyes wide opened.

And Ben felt even stupider now.

If the incident from last time hadn’t been enough, that girl already probably wanted him at a maximum distance away from her.

He was uncomfortable.

_ When is this  _ god damn _ rain going to stop? Should I just not care and let myself get exposed to the possibilities of grabbing a murderous cold? _

“That’s good, I guess.” She said all of a sudden and Ben quickly looked back at her. She was looking ahead, slowly nodding. “Giving  _ actual _ thought to things that may not seem that important but that definitely are.”

_ Well, that, or overthinking _ , he thought.

Ben kept looking at her.

Somehow, he could tell she wasn’t mocking him. She looked as serious as to when she was talking about her painting, which he had come to realize, later on, while he was already at home, that really seemed to matter to her a lot.

She looked back at him. “That’s what I think.”

Ben saw her going back to reading her book, her full attention on it now.

He moved in his place and looked around again. People were quickly passing by the building they were at, but nobody stopping.

He cleared his throat.

“Do you like it?”

His gaze dropped on her and Ben saw her quickly looking up at him again.

“Pardon?” She asked.

“The rain.”

She nodded, slowly again. “I do. And I can answer this fast because I’ve already given it a long thought before.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you like it?”

She shrugged. “Same as you, I guess. It’s relaxing. Reminds me of good times of playing in it from the past-” She suddenly grimaced. “Sorry. Forgot you don’t like talking about the past. Well, I like it because it’s just… peaceful.”

_ Ah _ , there it was.

Ben didn’t ignore the comment about the past.

For some reason, he couldn’t.

“Listen, it’s not like I hate the whole  _ idea _ of the past, okay?” He made a gesture with his hands as he found himself saying  _ and _ surprising himself in the process. Not surprised for what he thought about it, but for the fact that he was addressing this at all. “I just find it pointless to pine about it. Legacies, also, all that stuff. Why embrace something that doesn’t do you any good in the present you’ve made for yourself?”

_ I hate  _ my _ past. And sometimes I forget it’s not the same for everybody on that front. _

_ If you didn’t find belonging there at that time, you certainly won’t find it there now,  _ he thought, but decided to keep it.

She probably was already going to get up and leave.

Or tell him to do so.

The girl looked at him for a few seconds.

_ Here it comes. _

“I saw it, you know?” She blurted out.

Ben frowned, confused.

He suddenly noticed she didn’t have the same expression in her eyes from the last time they spoke about the topic. “What?”

“Rose’s writing. I read it. I saw your commentary about it as well.”

Ben thought about it.

Rose Tico.

He remembered.

“You highlighted that part in her poem about “That’s how we’re going to win. Not fighting what we hate. Saving what we love”, that one.” The girl said the next matter-of-factly. “You liked it.”

_ That _ took him by surprise.

Also, this girl seemed to really like memorizing lines.

Ben teared his gaze away from her and nodded. “It was a good verse. Good poem overall.”

“Rose was over the stars with her grade.” He could tell she was smiling now as she was talking. He looked down at her. “Jumping up and down. I always read everything she writes and wants to share with me, but this time it was like an absolute  _ must _ . So, I read it.” She shifted the book on her lap and closed it down. “She and Finn had told me about your class before, but I had never read anything from you. I was impressed.”

Ben blinked at her as she continued.

“You really seemed to capture in your notes what she meant with her poem. You understood her words and the beautiful meaning behind them. I know because she told me. But I could also tell for myself. And it meant a lot to her.” Her smile dropped and she shifted again, uncomfortably now, it seemed. “That’s why I was taken aback when I read Finn’s right after. He talked about something that really resonated with me, and him as well at some extent, about a picture  _ I _ made, so… the truth is that I went into reading it with some sort of expectations.”

She was actually explaining why she came to him the other day about the painting, Ben realized.

“I guess you could say I was a little… disappointed? That you didn’t get  _ that _ one too. Or, well, had a different vision for it.” She said and looked down at her blue jeans. “I’m not sorry for speaking my mind about the whole thing but… I guess I’m sorry for having had those expectations and throwing that at you, even though I didn’t even know you before.” The girl looked up at him.

The only thing Ben could do at that moment was staring at her.

The rain was increasingly slowing down.

So, he said what he had been thinking. “No, of course. Speaking your mind is always valid. Especially nowadays.” He scratched the back of his neck. He had to say the next thing. “I’m sorry I gave you expectations, I suppose. The topics were different and that one, well…” He sighed, “sometimes I tend to forget not everybody is on that same front as me.”

She seemed to take his words in.

Ben wasn’t so sure why he had even said anything at all. Maybe because he had been basically stranded with the girl for the past minutes and there had been no form of escape.

_ No _ , he corrected himself _.  _ He actually had wanted to clarify the situation.

She had been just like the first time they spoke, upfront. He liked when people were direct with him, it saved him from a lot of trouble and overthinking. Then, he could be upfront with them too.

Even if he, himself, would keep some things at times, it was because he considered it for the greater good. Come again, he didn’t speak to too many people on the daily. Phasma and Hux were pretty direct themselves, sometimes  _ way _ too much, but still there was no problem. If he would say everything that was going on in his mind, he would probably be homeless and jobless. So, he learned to be decent.

At this time, with this girl, this student, he felt he had said enough, even if lots of things were missing.

It was okay, this was probably the last time they were going to talk to one another.

Both of them looked outside at the rain. Or what was left of it. It was drizzling again. But this time, the sky wasn’t as cloudy as before.

The girl started getting up and arranging her belongings. Ben took his phone out again and quickly asked for a cab before another surprise-rain would make an appearance.

He huffed.  _ Should’ve done that as soon as I left the library in the first place. _

But then, he wouldn’t have been able to clear things up with –

“Rey.” She announced, her bag on her right shoulder now and the same star shaped keychain, jingling again. She extended her hand and smiled a little. “By the way, my name’s Rey.”

Ben took her hand and shook it.

“I gotta run to the library.” She said as they dropped their hands. “Have a nice day, Professor.”

The girl, Rey, stepped outside of the roofed area and started walking away without another word, her brown hair bouncing against her shoulders.

Ben noticed she was walking towards the opposite direction of the college library.

_ Did she just lie to run away? _ He immediately thought.

He shook his head. It didn’t matter.

A few minutes later, he got confirmation from the cab. He adjusted his bag on his shoulder and walked away too.

Even the drizzle was stopping so that was good.

He soon found himself at the college gates and quickly spotted his cab in between the ocean of cars that were parked right outside.

He got in and they drove away.

* * *

Ben was on his laptop while the students were piling up the classroom, that next morning.

He had been re-reading Rose Tico’s assignment.

He read one of his own notes.

_ Very appropriate, Rose. Also, I could see this verse being said in the middle of a battlefield, while all odds are at stake, but having a loved one to rise up for. _

Ben felt heat creeping up his cheeks.

He quickly closed the laptop and stood up to write on the board.


	3. three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! Here’s chapter 3! 
> 
> It’s a Ben-centric chapter. You’ll get to know more about his past and life situations. As a person with anxiety myself, describing and putting down some of those feelings into words was a challenge, and definitely an interesting experience. 
> 
> Thank you so, so, so much again for reading this ❤️

Ben didn’t like thinking about it.

So, he never did.

However, every time his parents would call him (and when he would actually take their calls) he couldn’t help but get a bit of  _ that _ sensation that haunted him for so long. The one that he could feel directly in the pit of his stomach in every single one of those occasions.

He would also feel that stomach churning in a lot of his nowadays situations. But particularly those that involved remembering.

Having been born as the only child of beloved Senator Leia Organa and American recognized-pilot Han Solo hadn’t been easy, cool and as shiny as one might think. Because people definitely thought so when he was younger. Kids at school would go crazy at the thought that  _ he _ was his father.

“My mom used to have a poster of Han Solo in her room when she was a teenager!” He had been told one time at seven years old.

“Your dad is like a superhero! What happened to you?” Had been thrown at his lanky self of thirteen years old.

“My entire family voted for your mom. They say she’s the best one. How come you’re whack?” When he was fifteen.

He never understood what exactly was the correlation in making a statement about his mother being a good politician and him being “whack”. But it still hadn’t felt good.

Leia’s credibility as a politician surprisingly hadn’t been too affected by the fact that her biological father had been Anakin Skywalker, or “Darth Vader” as some would call him, a man who had started with good intentions but had fallen down a bad and dark path in the world of politics. The Organas, Leia’s adopted family, were a well-enough respected family and at least Ben knew of her mother’s good-natured heart for the people. Even though he never met his grandfather and wasn’t really associated with him, the shadow of sharing the same blood with a person like him was something scary for young Ben, even if the Skywalker man had done the right thing, right before meeting his end.

Ben  _ wished _ mean comments throughout his childhood and teenage years had been the only thing he had had to endure. Those could be brushed off after the years, after all, they were coming from people he would never even have to see again after middle school and then high school. And he knew that even then.

But people speaking about him was a little contribution to the several episodes he already felt happening inside of him.

His parents being the people they were: famous, important, busy,  _ extremely _ busy, Ben could literally count with one hand the moments he truly had engraved in his memory where the three of them spent actual time together as a family and enjoyed it. Them going to the beach, eating ice cream, going to the movies to watch The Lion King and sci-fi that Han hated but Ben loved, so they would still go.

“As if this isn’t a bunch of mumbo-jumbo… but the kid likes it, so it’s okay.” Han would say as he would place Ben’s popcorn on top of his little legs. Leia would laugh at both of them and enjoy the film.

Count those times, right, because, on several occasions, his parents would spend their family time arguing with each other. Certainly, that wasn’t enjoyable. Ben would get really sad and go to his room at first but, after the years, he would just roll his eyes and tune out the noise.

_ Mom is in Toronto in a conference, dad is in Boston flying or something, mom is in France, dad is in England. _

Ben was at home with his nannies.

Yes, because he had had several reliable nannies. Sometimes he would have two different ones looking after him on the same day, so he hadn’t even been able to get attached to any of them.

At that time, when he still thought it was safe to get attached to newcomers.

He vaguely remembered two security guards forcing out of their house a man who, he later found out, had helped with Leia’s campaigns right from the start. It took years for him to find out that that man had tried to hurt him, her son, to get back at Leia. He guessed it was “normal” for things like that to happen when you were someone well-known, especially a politician, but the thought of someone almost deliberately, physically hurting him was just horrid.

At eight years old, Ben had developed a phobia of thunderstorms, or as he had searched up and then his psychologist had told him: astraphobia. It had lasted good four years of his life. He would be scared shitless every time thunder rumbled through the house, and he would hide inside his closet until the storm passed, covering his ears all the time, thick tears running down his face and the pit of his stomach twisting wildly. The act had earned him some good scolding from his parents, especially from Han, until they realized it wasn’t just a normal kind of fear. They had tried to help him themselves, that was very much true, until they decided to seek for professional help.

Ben was as desperate as them to make it stop, so he had agreed. As time passed, he found himself getting over it, sometimes following the advice that the admittedly kind lady therapist had given him, or just forcing himself to.

He had heard the word “attention” at some point while eavesdropping on his parents in the kitchen. He wasn’t sure if the psychologist had told them that or if that was what they thought about the whole thing and about him.

After the phobia left, he didn’t want to give it any more especial thought, because the look of worry in his parents’ faces was still present.

He had come to realize he wasn’t a normal kid, as he had also heard them state.

“This is not normal. This is so much more than him being afraid of storms. He’s so reserved, he doesn’t talk to us, he barely eats, he’d rather stay home than act like the rest of his classmates. I just don’t understand.” His dad had said one time as Ben saw and heard them through the crack of the door.

Leia had  _ loudly _ told Han at that time to “stop it” as she had covered her face with her hands.

At thirteen, the panic attacks had started. They weren’t as common as they could be for other people. As for Ben, for example, they would come sometimes when he would wake up in the middle of the night to find himself home alone, even though he knew his parents were going to come back in just a few hours.

At other time, he had accidentally dropped a jar on the floor as he had taken it out of the fridge. The thing completely shattered, pieces of glass flying everywhere, one of them obviously landing on his foot. He had instantly started bleeding and the sight of his own blood quickly coming out had been absolutely terrifying. Ben had left the kitchen, sat down on the couch in the living room and felt himself starting to lose his breath. He couldn’t hear properly as his mom, who was home at the time, suddenly came running towards him asking what had happened and why in the world was he bleeding, or something along those lines. Little black dots started showing up in his line of vision, as he had felt his mother grabbing his hand.

_ Calm down, you’re not crazy, you’re not crazy. It’s just blood. _

His own blood.

He breathed in and out several times until his mother was then standing in front of him again, this time grabbing a plastic cup.

He took it, it tasted sweet. It wasn’t just water.

Leia crouched down next to him, cleaning his wound, until after some minutes all of his five senses were working properly again.

She had hugged him tightly right after.

“Ben, it’s okay.”

He wasn’t sure anymore who ended up crying out of them two.

Probably both.

His teenage years definitely hadn’t been any easier. If the experiences he had had when he was a kid certainly weren’t the same later on, he would still have that stomach churning feeling every once in a while. When he had to speak in public or just in class, while trying to always get good grades, the thought of having to attend any social gatherings, when he would “try” to fit in with the crowds but immediately giving up afterwards. He also was aware he wasn’t exactly physically gifted, and he would rather have his black hair long enough to cover his ears just to feel a little bit at peace with them.

At fourteen, he had met Phasma.

Phasma was an exchange student from England who had the blondest hair Ben had ever seen on anyone in his life and was taller than him, which was a very rare thing to happen since he would always be the one of or  _ the _ tallest one in all of his classes.

The girls almost instantly didn’t like her and neither did the boys.

However, she didn’t seem to be fazed by it.

“Should’ve known this continent wasn’t ready for me.” She had told him one time when they were studying at the library as she sipped from a lemonade.

Their friendship had had the easiest  _ start of something _ in Ben’s life.

He had been sitting in the cafeteria and Phasma took the empty seat in front of him.

“You like tinned tomatoes?”

Ben had looked up from his P&J sandwich to the girl.

“Excuse me?” He asked almost dumbfounded.

“Tinned tomatoes. My mum is sending me for lunch all the British stuff we have left, apparently. I hate them. My dad hates them too. He’s not even from England, not that it matters much. Do you like tomatoes?” She said with a grimace as she looked down at her food.

Ben thought for a moment.

“Not really.”

She instantly smiled and nodded, looking up at him. “Nice answer. They’re revolting.” She stood up, startling Ben in the process, and made her way towards the cafeteria ladies. She handed them the package and went back to the table.

He blinked as she sat down again. “I’m Phasma, what’s your name?”

“Ben Solo.” Ben answered.

“Nice to meet you, Ben Solo.” She said as she extended her hand to him.

He took it and they went back to eat their food.

After that, Ben Solo had gained a friend.

His daily routine didn’t change too much after the addition of Phasma to his life. She wasn’t pushy, didn’t ask too many questions, noticed when he didn’t want to talk, he actually wanted to talk to her and listen to her, she would make him laugh and he could make her laugh too.

She just understood.

What also didn’t change were his anxiety problems.

Right, he had been diagnosed with  Generalized Anxiety Disorder at the age of fifteen. And would most likely have it for the rest of his life.

With that came the prescription medication, too.

He wasn’t actually surprised when he had gotten the news. He knew it, he had always known, he just wasn’t completely sure of its “official” name.

And maybe always hadn’t wanted to admit it to himself.

But he was way past that now.

That exact year, Phasma went to live with her American grandmother.

“I like girls.” She had told Ben one day when they were buying books at a local shop.

He looked at her and blinked.

“That’s cool.” He had said.

And meant it. And Phasma knew.

The following days, Ben could tell she had been crying before going to school, her eyes red, even if she would brush it off and act like her usual self.

When he got home, he had taken his favorite sci-fi saga, which was also Phasma’s, out of one of his shelves from his bedroom. The next day, he gave it to her.

“Solo, I don’t need your pi –”

“It’s not pity. Take the books. They’re yours now. I don’t want to hear it.” He had said, using the same words she had said before to him at some point in other situations.

Phasma finally smiled, genuinely, and thanked Ben for the gift.

They didn’t hug. They didn’t do that. But he knew they were doing their version of it.

One year later, things at Ben’s home got messier than ever.

His parents were separating.

And honestly, he didn’t have any intention of living alone with neither of them.

He had had the worst panic attack episode of his life just a few days before they had made their announcement. A nightmare that had felt so real that he ended up in hysterics, kicking his blankets away, his parents right outside of his locked door knocking wildly and calling out for him.

_ Someone, dressed in all black, almost like an older version of themselves. Sadder. Angrier. Broken. _

_ More broken. _

_ The last bit of sunlight completely fading away. _

_ The red light from the room hitting them directly in the face. _

_ Another figure. It seemed. Older. Sadder. Beaten. Right in front of them. _

_ They were both holding the weapon. _

Ben couldn’t make out what kind of weapon, but it wasn’t one he had ever seen before.

_ They didn’t want to do it. They didn’t want this, please! _

_ Two broken faces. _

_ The weapon ignited, striking down. _

_ A body falling into the abyss. Forever. _

_ He was defeated. But so was him. _

Ben hadn’t been able to look at his father’s face for weeks.

After almost another entire year of arguing, discussing, some fights and incessant shouting, Ben was able to move in with Phasma on their senior year of high school.

Things just ended up being like that.

Han and Leia had come to know about the only friend their son had and the fact that she lived alone with her grandmother.

Adding to the facts that not only both of them were still pretty busy with their jobs and were now living separately, they weren’t even living in the same city. For the first time in a long time, Ben let them know they were truly doing something that would  _ do _ him good.

Besides, Han and Leia were the only family he had in the States. His uncle Luke, Leia’s miraculously found twin brother, lived in Ireland, and uncle and nephew really didn’t know each other that well.

Phasma was the closest thing to family he had.

They knew this.

It was one year. After that, he would leave for college, anyway. Getting his own place wasn’t optional.

He had no intention of staying in New York, or in the United States for that matter.

They had finally agreed.

They still insisted in sending him money like they already did before while they went on their trips and he stayed home. He had his trust fund that remained untouched, even though that didn’t stop Ben from getting a job at the local library to earn his own cash. It wasn’t much, but it was his. And he could get to read books. Phasma would pop by occasionally to keep him company while also reading her own books. She would bring some of the cake her grandmother loved to bake for them and they would eat it whenever Ben’s boss or customers were out of sight.

Leia would visit as regularly as possible. Sometimes at the house, since neither Phasma nor his grandmother (she really was the “chillest” one Ben had ever met) had a problem with it. But most of the time in other places. They would eat, mostly in silence.

Ben always noticed the tears in her eyes whenever they had to say goodbye.

Han would mostly just call.

After graduation, Ben knew he was going to London.

He also knew what he wanted to do. That was also one of the few things he was sure of. All the things he had written over the years, all the books he had read and re-read.

He knew.

Phasma had previously talked to him a lot about the city and country and everything regarding the universities. She was leaving too, just off to another city.

Ben had done all the necessary procedure.

His father had been the one to see him off with a quick goodbye.

He got on the plane, doing his best to fight the churning feeling, and just left.

He got to study the career he wanted to in the college he chose. That had been great.

Life there wasn’t too different from high school, with the grand difference that he now didn’t have to listen to people whispering about him or just blatantly calling him names in his face, because people in college seemed to be more immersed in what they were  _ doing _ (that could mean so many different things, he had learned) than to being dicks to others. Nobody knew he was Leia Organa and Han Solo’s son nor would they really care. Nobody knew his past. Nobody knew him. And that was fine.

He was fine.

It was in college where he met Armitage Hux. Much like with Phasma (with whom he would be in contact every week) they “connected”, if you would call it that, one day while having lunch in the cafeteria and just became friends after that.

“I had to become acquainted with the American boy, obviously. The law over there is just  _ mad _ .”

He also had come to know his new friend didn’t like his first name.

“It’s Hux. You call me by that other name and I’ll get you deported.”

He just called him Hux.

His parents would phone him occasionally. He almost never started the calls but would pick up most of the time. And Han and Leia had come to be okay with it.

He also learned, despite the fact of their divorce and his initial disbelief, their parents would be in contact constantly, were very aware of what they other was up to and they would even spend time together.

Ben Solo had made his own life in London, England, and had two constant people in it. 

He had been twenty-three when he decided that passing to other people the knowledge of the  _ one _ thing he was actually attached to and was sure would never ever leave him, was the way he wanted to go. No longer having that fear of speaking too much in public, after all, he knew his topic.

And he had been twenty-seven when he started teaching it to another crowd of people.

He was fine.

* * *

Ben had decided to walk that day.

With an umbrella in one hand and a bag of groceries in the other, after coming back from the supermarket, he went down the empty road.

The sun was ridiculously shining bright that morning, almost like mocking him. Several days had passed since that monstrous rain fell down and Ben hadn’t forgotten to bring out his umbrella ever since.

Again, as if Mother Nature’s sole purpose was to make fun of him, it didn’t rain anymore, just small, harmless drizzling.

Looking down, he groaned as he remembered his spot-in-the-library situation. Couldn’t the sun just start rising from the other side?

He stopped for a moment after his dumb thought, having caught something in the corner of his eye.

It was a bookshop.

An old looking bookshop with the colors on their walls already fading away.

And he had seen it before, obviously, since it was near his apartment and college. In fact, he had been inside like twice before. Maybe a year ago or so.

Ben frowned as he remembered.

As if being dragged by force of nature, Ben started making his way towards the bookshop.

He stood in front of it, the cleaned windows allowing him to take a quick look inside.

He remembered the same wooden shelves filled with books, the wooden floors, and he could make out the two beige sofas placed at the very end of the hallway, and a table right beside them, facing the entrance.

It seemed nobody was inside.

But it was opened, the sign hanging by the door indicated so.

Ben slowly opened the door, a small bell jingling on top of his head.

The place smelled like oranges, but not strong enough to make you feel nauseated like it would happen in some cloth stores at the mall that Ben had been at before.

It was warmer than outside, thankfully.

After looking around the shop from his standing spot for any signs of life, he walked towards the nearest shelf and looked at the books. He could easily tell they were organized and hadn’t just been thrown here and there.

He noticed there was only one copy of _ The Great Gatsby _ , making him snort.

“Either people finally changed books or they already sold them all out.” Ben muttered to himself.

Putting down his umbrella and leaning it against the shelf, he picked one book that grabbed his attention. The cover had very nice color tones. Ben liked aesthetically pleasant looking covers, he had to admit, but he would always fight really hard not to get himself tricked by them.

He looked at the cover and started reading the summary on the back.

“Powerful light. Powerful darkness. A –”

“Bloody hell!”

Ben quickly teared his gaze from the book and looked up.

His eyes went wide.

Standing in front of him, with a hand covering her mouth, light blue headphones on, a bunch of books being held on one arm, and several now scattered on the floor, was the girl.

Rey.


	4. four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so they meet again…
> 
> Here's chapter 4! Once again, and I’ll always say this, thank you so, so much for reading ❤️
> 
>   
> Side note: My [Twitter](https://twitter.com/coloredblues) if anybody’s on the bird app! :)

The girl, Rey, had three buns in her hair.

Her hand dropped from her mouth. “Professor Solo!” She exclaimed as she put the headphones around her neck. “What are you doing here?”

Ben blinked. He realized he had to speak.

“Oh, I-I… I was passing by and saw… the bookshop.” He offered and added, “I live nearby.”

_Nice._

She nodded. “Oh, I see. So, you also live near Uni, then.” Kneeling down, she started picking up the books she had dropped.

Ben suddenly remembered the copies scattered on the floor and quickly crouched down next to her.

“Sorry. Let me help you with those.” He said as he grabbed some, adjusting the book he had been reading, on one arm.

He could hear music blasting from her headphones.

“Thank you.” She said politely, as they worked.

Soon they had picked them all up and the girl placed them on top of the counter that had been previously empty. A small black cash register stood there too.

She looked back at him. “I’m sorry, too. You really startled me back there! A few minutes ago, I had been completely sure my only company were the library ghosts.” She told him as she completely removed the headphones and put them away. “As you can see, I had tuned out the world.”

Ben nodded. “Sorry.” He flinched. If he didn’t stop, a “sorry” war was going to begin. “I should’ve let my presence be known out loud.”

She smiled. “Don’t worry. I probably wouldn’t still have heard you. The power of pop music is not to be underestimated.”

She made her way behind the counter and started checking the books.

Well, he wouldn’t know, he never really listened to music.

“I wouldn’t know.” He let out almost unconsciously as he put his hands inside his pockets.

The girl looked at him. “You don’t like pop music, Professor?”

“Music in general.” He shook his head. “I mean, I don’t listen to it… much.”

She gaped but quickly closed her mouth and nodded. “I get it. There are people in this world who don’t like listening to music.”

For some reason, Ben wasn’t too sure how she would understand, but he took it.

“I do like it. Any genre, really. I’ve even listened to country.” She motioned towards him. “You know.”

Ben remembered neither of his parents had liked country music. Phasma once said, while she had been listening to the radio in the States, that _it_ was the reason why Americans were doomed from the start.

“Once again, I wouldn’t really know.”

She snorted as she grabbed the next book, with a colorful cover.

He looked down at the one he had picked.

He should’ve just stepped aside and continue with it.

But his brain wasn’t cooperating.

“So, you work here?”

Again, she looked up at him. And _once_ again, apparently, she had looked surprised he had asked her a question, at all.

“Yeah, I do.”

Ben instantly wanted to slap himself.

_She’s behind the counter. She’s checking a bunch of books that she had been carrying and had pulled out some stickers with barcodes in them._

Of course _she works here._

She didn’t seem to find the question too stupid like he did, though, as she continued casually, “I’ve been working here for several months now.” She gestured their surroundings with her hand. “As you can see, we’re not really _that_ popular, but we have our good days.”

Ben certainly remembered not many people being there the other times he had come inside too.

“There’s also the fact that the exterior doesn’t really _catch_ the attention of most passersby. Especially young students.” She huffed as she looked out the windows and smiled. “It did catch mine, though.”

It had caught Ben’s attention too.

She looked back at him. “So that’s why I decided to take the job. I wasn’t gutted that there weren’t many costumers back then. The place was nice and so was the boss.” She shrugged. “I also got kinda tired of the coffee smell. Used to work at a coffeeshop for, like, three years. Needless to say, I prefer tea now.”

He frowned. The girl had already had two jobs. She didn’t look older than twenty…

She motioned with her chin. “Got a book you liked?”

Ben’s gaze dropped to the book still in his hands.

He cleared his throat. “I was in the middle of reading the summary. The cover caught my attention.”

The girl leaned on the counter to take a better look. It seemed she instantly recognized it.

“Oh! I’ve read that one! It’s really good. Nice cover, indeed. Great plot, great characters, brilliant development.” She smiled at him. “You should definitely check it out. And I’m not saying this as a current salesperson. I _definitely_ told an eager customer one time that they would be better off living without ever reading _Fifty Shades of Grey_.”

Ben almost felt grateful to the girl. _That_ was one reading that could be/should be avoided.

“I see… may I read some of it before making a decision?” He asked as he looked back at her.

Her smile went bigger. “Sure thing! You can go that way,” She motioned towards the end of the hallway, “there’s sofas there where you can read quietly.”

Ben nodded. “Thanks.”

He grabbed his umbrella from the floor and made his way towards the beige sofas and sat down in one of them. He put his grocery bag by his feet. The lightning in that exact spot was good, so he didn’t find a problem with that.

He finally checked the whole summary and started reading the first pages.

After a few minutes, he had to admit to himself, he was _hooked_.

It really was going towards a good direction. There was that instant feeling Ben would get when he just _knew_ he was not only going to read the whole book, but devour it.

He looked up from the words and looked back at the girl. She had finished arranging the books and was now writing something down.

A thought suddenly hit him. The last time they saw each other. She said she was going to the library…

Had she meant the bookshop? Her workplace?

Ben had been sure she had said that only as an excuse to leave faster, as she had been walking towards the opposite direction of the library he knew of, though, he wasn’t sure it was needed.

She could’ve just left, it’s not like she needed some escape route.

He certainly wouldn’t have minded if she didn’t want to keep _being_ _there_ with him.

He shook his head.

Getting up from his seat, he walked towards the counter.

The girl looked up from a notebook as she saw Ben approaching.

She looked expectantly. “So? How was it?”

“I liked it.” Ben confessed and put the book in her line of vision. “I’d like to buy it.”

The girl grinned.

“Great!” She said as she rolled up her flannel sleeves and grabbed it. “I promise to you, Professor, you won’t regret it. If by any chance you end up not liking it at the end, you can return and demand your money back.”

Ben handed her some pounds from his wallet after she had told him the price. He raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

She shook her head, amused. “Nope. But I’ll open my wallet, don’t worry.”

He nodded. “I’ll trust you it’s a good one.”

She smiled down as she typed in the register.

_I’ll trust you?_

Ben cleared his throat and quickly asked to change the subject, “Do you have any sci-fi?”

She looked up. “Sci-fi? Yeah, I think so. You’d like to take a look?”

“Yes, please.”

She guided him towards one of the shelves at the very back of the shop.

They didn’t have much books from the genre, he realized as he saw them all lined up, but he could recognize most names.

“You like sci-fi, Professor?” The girl turned to him to ask as his eyes were roaming all over the shelf.

“I do. It’s my favorite genre to read.” He said as one in particular caught his attention. He had already read it before but didn’t own it. “And to write too, I guess.” He grabbed the book in his hand.

“Really? You write science fiction? That’s really cool!”

He could hear the excitement in her voice.

“Not actively, no. But it’s the most fascinating genre and form of writing for me. Visual and storytelling. The possibilities are endless there. Orwell, Shelley, Bradbury, Tolkien. We could add Stephen King there too for more-recent reference. And a bunch of cinematic ones too.” He found himself saying as he scanned the book and heard her humming in agreement.

Ben looked back at the girl. 

He noticed again the three buns in her hair.

He realized he had wanted to ask her what was that about, as he was sure he had never seen hair being tied that way before, but obviously didn’t do it.

That would be overstepping.

He noticed the girl was eyeing curiously the book he had in his hand.

Ben took a step back. “I’d like to take this one too, please.”

She smiled. “Sure! Just this one? You didn’t find any other you’d like?” She looked back at the shelf and pursed her lip. “I know we don’t really have many science fiction ones. Blimey. I’ll make sure to tell Poe about it. We don’t actually need _too_ many cooking ones now, with Youtube and everything.”

He obviously didn’t know who Poe was but guessed that was a good idea.

When he told her he just wanted the one he had chosen, they made their way back to the counter.

Ben observed while the girl did all the same procedure as the last time, and gave her the money for that other purchase too.

“Let me put both your books in a bag.” She said as she grabbed them both and placed them inside a brown recycling bag.

He stared at it.

She found that amusing. “I know. My boss is a “triple R” kind of man.”

“Well, I’m not exactly pro global warming myself either… so it’s fine.” He said as she handed him the bag.

The girl let out a little laugh.

Ben had to leave.

“I should go.” Ben said as he placed his new bag with the other one he had been holding in the same hand. He took hold of his umbrella, as well.

She nodded. “Okay.”

He cleared his throat and said politely, “Thank you, miss…”

He realized he didn’t know her last name.

“Rey.” She added, as in reminding him.

“Yes,” He knew, “I mean, your last name –”

“My last name is Kanata, but just Rey is fine.” She stated.

Ben didn’t call his students by their first name only. At least never while talking to them directly.

Come again, the girl, Rey, she wasn’t _his_ student. She was _a_ student at the college he worked at. Not the same thing.

It still felt strange, though, she was friends with _his_ students.

His younger students.

Ben stopped thinking.

“Thank you, then. Rey.”

Rey smiled. “You’re welcome.”

Ben gave a sort of nod as a goodbye and started walking towards the exit.

The bell dinged above his head again.

“Enjoy your books!” was the last thing he heard before the door closed behind his back.

He looked down at his bag.

He bought books. He liked books. They were basically his life tools.

That was totally normal.

Ben just walked back to work.

* * *

He had been explaining the rule of metaphor according to Ricoeur the next day. Needless to say, Ben felt exhausted as he sat down on his seat and listened to his students’ takes on the matter.

This time, there was a big reason for his tiredness.

He had stayed up late reading the book he had bought. Right after arriving home from work at night, he had eaten something, taken a shower, and sat down on his couch to read the book.

It had been three in the morning when he finally checked the time, put the book down and went to sleep.

He had had to wake up four hours later.

While he had been reading, he had gotten a sudden call from his mother. He had looked at it but hadn’t picked it up.

He was reading, he had thought to himself, that clearly counted as “being busy”.

Ben announced to his class that he had finished marking the small assignment he had given them a few days ago.

He started calling out one by one so they could pick them up.

It was then Rose Tico’s turn.

He handed her paper and gave a little nod.

She grabbed it and instantly smiled at her paper. “Thank you!”

She stepped aside as it was now Finn’s turn. Ben gave him his paper, and nodded once again.

Finn’s eyes went wide at him and quickly looked down at the assignment with the same expression.

Ben saw him smiling as the boy thanked him and walked away to meet Rose.

“Finn, that’s great! Congrats!” He heard her saying.

“Thanks! I can already see Rey using “proud mum” language once she finds out.” He said, amusement in his tone.

“Oh, definitely.” Rose replied in a similar manner.

Ben looked up for a second at the pair and then went back to handing the last papers.

Class was dismissed a few minutes later and the students were leaving the class. Ben stayed on his seat as he was finishing up some notes he had taken down that would probably be useful for a future research or class material.

He had been writing for a while until he heard from the hallway outside.

“That’s _awesome_!”

He looked up from his notebook and saw a blue bag.

And three hair buns.

He blinked.

Rey was looking down at a paper. Probably Finn or Rose’s. And she had a big smile on her face, he could tell by her side profile.

She looked at Finn and exclaimed, “I told you, you could do it! This is really good!”

Finn smiled fondly at her. “Thank you, Rey.”

She proceeded to high five both Finn and Rose.

It looked like they had been standing there for a while.

“Are you guys hungry? We should have a bite.” Rey told her friends as they both frantically nodded at her idea.

“Please! My breakfast was a protein bar and bad cold tea. I don’t understand you, British people.” Rose grimaced.

Ben looked down at his notes and kept on writing.

He heard laughter.

Somehow, he knew that had been Rey.

_Right_ , she had laughed at the bookshop too.

“We should definitely go out tonight. I heard there was a new pl-”

Finn’s voice started fading away.

Ben looked from the corner of his eye and confirmed the three friends had left.

_Right_ , _college students and their night-outs._

He didn’t really have too much of those back when he was one of them…

Ben suddenly wondered which out of the three were a couple. He didn’t know about Rey and Rose. Finn and Rose seemed close in class, but so did him and Rey in the little he had seen them together…

Ben shook his head frantically. What was he thinking? It was none of his business. He was starting to be like one of those other teachers who “shipped” students.

Was he using the term correctly right now, though? He couldn’t remember.

He just went back to writing.

* * *

Ben arrived home late that night.

He had had a dentist appointment at six but the doctor got there half an hour later, so it had obviously taken longer than predicted. It took everything in Ben not to verbally _let_ him know how annoyed he was.

After that, he had gone to buy some coffee at a nearby store since he had run out in the morning, much to his already acquired annoyance. The traffic had been painfully heavy on the way back to his apartment.

He put his bag on top of the kitchen table and grabbed a glass of water.

He made himself a sandwich and ate it all in less than three minutes.

By that point, almost dragging his feet through the floor, he made it to his room and collapsed on his bed with a loud thump, not giving a damn about his unchanged clothes or for any damage done to his mattress and just closed his eyes.

A few minutes, hours later, he wasn’t sure, really, he woke up.

Ben opened his eyes as he felt something.

_Down there._

He groaned, annoyed at himself, again.

This would happen, _just_ _occasionally_ , and he had to take care of it.

It wasn’t weird, though, as his sexual life wasn’t exactly an active one, one would say.

He would say.

Sometimes, thankfully not _during_ the act with someone else, he would be reminded of that inexperienced twenty-year-old guy who had done it for the first time with his first and only-ever-real girlfriend. Terribly.

They had only lasted a year.

Not _because_ of _that_ specifically, but still.

After that relationship, only a few other times with other women who hadn’t been exactly too eager to see him again to do other type of activities that didn’t involve getting naked, the following days.

As of now, it had been a _long_ time since it last happened.

Ben finally unzipped his pants and started taking care of his business.

He looked up at his window as his eyes rolled back, a few minutes later.

The sky was full of stars that night.

_Well, how fucking poetic_ , he thought as he groaned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, what about those stars huh... ha.


	5. five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooooo. Here’s chapter 5 :)
> 
> Thank you so, so much for reading the fic as well for the kudos and comments ❤️ It truly makes my day!
> 
> Here it goes…

Ben wasn’t exactly sure how but he had found himself standing in front of the old-looking establishment.

He just had been walking around.

He stared at it for a few minutes.

That morning hadn’t been that eventful at the beginning, really. He had left his house in the morning for an early class and then left university right before noon. He hadn’t been in need to stay in the library to do work, as he had already advanced with it the day before, so he just went back home.

As soon as he arrived, he ate something, since he had only been able to digest an apple earlier and proceeded to grab his new book and continue with his reading.

It was  _ great _ .

The book was slowly becoming one of his favorite reads ever, much to his surprise.

The complexity of the main heroine character and her relationship with the others around her were some of the best well written things he had encountered in recent years.

Ben wasn’t a crier, not because of some bullshit macho complex, but simply he just didn’t cry easily anymore. However, he definitely “felt something in his eye” when the girl got to see green trees for the first time in her life, even if it had been a very small moment in the book.

The book wasn’t of science fiction, but Ben never let his personal preferences interfere with other type of readings.

If the story (and everything  _ that _ involved) was good and wouldn’t treat its faithful reader like a fool, that was enough for him.

There were only a few pages left and he decided to put it down for a while.

He had bought it less than three days ago and was almost finished reading it.

He couldn’t help but wonder how long it had taken the girl to read the book.

Rey.

Even though he was almost sure she wasn’t a Literature student (she wasn’t neither in his classes nor in the ones from the other three teachers from his department, he had checked the latter) she seemed to be someone who just enjoyed reading books. Ben didn’t consider himself to be good at  _ reading _ people, ironically, but he had noticed that Rey, as an “outsider”, genuinely seemed interested in the field, and he had liked that. He definitely needed that same kind of enthusiasm for some of his elective students.

And apparently, interested at what he had to say too.

He remembered her saying that she had been disappointed that he hadn’t understood her piece, and essentially Finn’s also, like he had with Rose’s. He guessed he could get it, sometimes it would be frustrating that others, especially someone who is  _ supposed _ to know about that type of stuff, like a professor, just wouldn’t get the intended meaning behind a form of work.

He definitely had felt like that with some of his own teachers back in the days, especially in high school.

“That’s too depressing, Ben! We can’t publish something like that in the school’s newspaper!”

“No, Ben, it’s a letter to a friend, you can’t overuse academic style language, you’re not some robot!”

Ben preferred the word “droid”.

“I don’t know if this is the point of view of a sad person or a serial killer.”

Needless to say, he got tired. Thankfully, college came around and people were more open-minded. And mentally exhausted like him. So, he had felt freer to write what he wanted.

If she wasn’t in Literature, was it maybe Visual Arts?

Though, that rainy day, she had been in the Engineering department…

He hadn’t said it before but, even though he still didn’t agree with the message behind it, her painting had been  _ good _ . He definitely wasn’t an “art connoisseur” or something along those lines, but he knew a thing or two about the matter.

However, most importantly, he had eyes, and the oil painting was nice to look at. He had obviously noticed the small details she had added. The kind of details that you would look at and deeply wonder for a while how the  _ fuck _ was it possible to actually  _ do _ that. The skill, the patience.

He had only seen one of her paintings, if to say she had more, but he could tell the girl was talented.

He remembered the small figures.

_ Was one of them supposed to be her? _

__

_ The lonely one? _

__

_ And the other two? _

__

Suddenly, Ben’s ringing phone broke his train of thought.

He grabbed it from the coffee table in front of the couch and checked the ID.

It was his mother.

Ben stared at his screen.

He knew he had to. He hadn’t picked it up when she called him a few days ago.

He sighed loudly before he answered it.

“Hello.”

“Ben Solo-Organa. You could’ve left me a message or something! I know you know how to use this thing better than I do.” He heard his mother’s voice.

As always, Leia didn’t sound upset at him, but firm.

He had definitely heard a similar tone being directed towards him not too long ago, but to his face, in an obviously different situation.

His hand was on his forehead. “I’m sorry, mom. I’ve been busy over here.”

He heard her sighing.

“Remember what I told you about overworking yourself. Don’t make me grab that plane to go over there right this instant and explain it to you in person.”

Ben shook his head, even though she couldn’t see him. “No. Don’t worry. No need. I won’t overwork, promise.” He said in one breath.

He knew her mother and he  _ knew _ she would do it.

He could hear the triumph and a bit of smugness in her voice as she said, “I knew that would get to you.”

Ben almost smiled at that.

“So, what’s the matter? Did something happen?” He asked her.

He knew his mother would call him just to check on him (and at that he could check on her too) but he wouldn’t put it past either of his parents to one day come out with some type of news over the phone.

When Leia immediately didn’t say anything, he knew this was a “some type of news” kind of phone call.

“What is it, mom?” He asked, a sudden fear starting to creep into his stomach. For her, for them.

Leia knew her son. “No, no! Ben, don’t worry! It’s nothing bad, I promise.” She paused for a bit and sighed. She wasn’t one to beat around the bush, but he knew that when it came to  _ him _ , it was different. “I just… well, really, your father and I, we received a call from an old friend a few days ago.” She cleared her throat. “He said he had an open position for a –”

He shook his head again at his mother who couldn’t see him. “Mom, no, wait, I know where this is going.”

Less firm. “Ben, please, listen –”

“Mom, how many times have I told you that I’m  _ fine _ over here?”

He felt like he had said that line at least a good hundred times over the past ten years.

Over the phone, in person, even by letter, and by postcard at one time when he had first arrived in London.

“I know that! I know that, Ben!” Her voice wasn’t that calmed anymore. “But, son, believe me, it’s a really good college from around here. The Literature department specifically, they say it’s one of the best they have out of all the other ones.”

Ben could feel his breathing start acting up, the pain in his stomach completely noticeable now.

_ Fuck, no, no, stop it, calm down, calm down! _

__

He tried to even his voice, his mother had to hear him being calmed. So, he tried his best.

“Mom, I understand. But I’m fine. I promise. I like living here. I like my job here, even if it may seem like little to you. I even like the weather.” He repeated, almost like a droid. A droid whose sole purpose was to explain to his mother the things he knew. “Please, I need you to understand that. I know you mean well, but  _ please _ .”

“Ben–”

“You don’t need to look for jobs for me. Don’t waste your time and energy on those things. I’m– I’m trying to say this in the best way I can, mom.” His hand flew to his face. “I don’t want to hurt your feelings. But I’m stopping you and this before you keep going on further with it because it truly won’t change a thing…”

He wanted to keep pushing, so his mother would  _ finally _ understand. But he stopped himself.

She sighed; sadness clear in her tone now.

“I’m sorry. I know.  _ God _ , I know, Ben.” He could tell. “I’m so sorry I’m upsetting you. I  _ know _ how you feel about this. We just… hadn’t talked about it for a long while and I just thought– no, I wasn’t thinking. And, of course I don’t think of your job as little! You know that I don’t, son.”

He knew.

Ben knew his mother.

But he still had said it.

The discussion ended as fast as it had begun. It had probably been the fastest one ever about that topic with her.

If it had been Han, it would’ve ended as soon as his father would’ve mentioned the words “position” or “around here”.

He knew it, he wasn’t an emotionless monster. He knew his parents wanted him near. He knew they would try to find the “best” things for him so he felt at ease while being near them, like some job offer (or even a  _ date _ one time when they weren’t fully aware of his strong intentions of staying away). Even if his entire childhood had been one crazy spiral of emotions between the three of them.

But he just couldn’t. The thought of going back there. He couldn’t bare it. Even if things were different now, even if he wouldn’t start crying anymore just at the thought of his parents, the only thing that truly made him break down in tears back in the days. Not even his own fears and worries, not even his own anxiety.

But his parents and the thought that things had gone wrong for them in the past.

And that he couldn’t change it. And that he didn’t have control over it and would never have it again. So, he didn’t want to be anywhere near it now.

They would speak as regularly as possible. He would see them once or twice a year in person. He had allowed that, because he truly wanted to see them and let them see him too. But that was it.

There was only going forward and going  _ back _ there wasn’t optional.

After ending the call, Ben didn’t feel any better.

In fact, he felt like there was much less air in his entire apartment.

He looked down at the sleeves from his shirt.

He wasn’t going to have a panic attack, he could still hear properly, his head didn’t feel misplaced, his vision still wasn’t filled with the little black dots, as he would still call them. He had already taken his medication earlier; he didn’t need it. He knew when, he had learned to.

But he still felt trapped in his place and that wasn’t a good sign.

Ben quickly got up from his seat in the living room and grabbed the sweater he had left on top of his bed.

Before he realized, he was out of the apartment building.

He read the sign; it was opened.

It was noon on a weekday, of course it would be.

Ben didn’t even check through the window first and just stepped inside.

The bell dinged.

Oranges again. Still not nauseating.

The temperature still warmer than outside.

He looked around the bookshop.

It was when his eyes dropped to the floor that he saw her, crouching down next to a shelf with a book in her hand while looking up at him.

They both blinked.

“Good afternoon, Professor Solo.” Rey said as they locked eyes and she smiled.

She quickly went back to placing the book she had been holding inside the shelf.

“Good afternoon.” Ben managed to let out.

She looked so at peace in her process, Ben thought, while his head felt like it was spinning around in a figure eight.

_ Why am I here again? _

__

“I believe this is the first time we’ve met each other without one of us startling the other.” He could hear the amusement in her tone.

“Right.”

Rey got up from her position on the floor, as she brushed off her knees and looked back at him. She was wearing a black sweater with her, apparently, usual blue jeans, and this time she had a half-up top knot bun on.

“Is there something you’d like in particular? Just want to look around?” She asked casually and then her eyes went wide. She clapped her hands and pointed at him. “Right! The book! Did you finish it? How was it?” She went on, looking excited.

_ I’m almost done. _

__

She must’ve noticed the emotionless expression on his face and his lack of response as she said, “Oh my God, no, don’t tell me you– I had been  _ so _ sure–” She shook her head. “Never mind, it’s okay. Right, I do owe you some pounds then.” She muttered as she put one arm over her forehead. “Don’t worry, I always keep my promises.”

Ben finally reacted as she started making her way to the counter.

He reached out with his hand, leaving it in the air, as in stopping her. “No, wait, no, it’s not like that. I’m sorry. I liked it. I liked it very much. I’m almost done with it, in fact.”

Rey seemed hesitant, like she didn’t quite believe that. “Seriously?”

“Yes.” He nodded as he took a step back.

She looked at him for a few seconds and then broke into a smile.

“Really? I’m so glad!” She was full on beaming now. “It’s such a good book. It’s like it  _ demands _ to be read, you know?”

He did.

“It is, indeed.” He agreed.

“That’s why I finished it in like… less than a week. Would’ve been faster, I think, if I hadn’t been in the middle of finals.” She said, as in thought.

He remembered he had wondered that just this morning.

“So how was it in general, so far? Do you like the characters? The plot?” She asked him looking curious.

Ben had felt like in some sort of daze ever since he set foot outside and then inside the bookshop.

How had he ended up in that place?

But now he found himself getting it.

It was a sort of library. Literally the kind of place he could spend his entire life in, or at least trapped an entire weekend, to be more realistic. There were books, it wasn’t crowded. No loud voices nor unsteady presences. The last time he had been there, he had felt… good, while reading and looking.

And he had someone in front of him asking him about a book he had loved.

And he was starting to realize he just really wanted to talk with someone about anything so he would stop  _ thinking _ and  _ worrying _ .

If it was about a good book, then it was even better.

He looked at Rey and saw her frowning at him.

“Are you okay, Professor? If you don’t mind me asking. You seem kind of pale.” She suddenly asked him as she checked his face with her eyes. “I think I might’ve notice it before since I saw you coming in… but now I think it’s getting clearer.”

He probably did look paler than usual.

Ben shook his head. “I’m fine.” He cleared his throat. “You were asking me about the book.”

Rey didn’t seem too sure with his answer but chose to let it go. “Yeah. How did it go?”

So, Ben told her. He told her about how he had really liked the main heroine and her journey. She had flaws, she had bad, definitely not pretty moments, she wasn’t personified as some sort of saint just because she was a girl. The plot was consistent, steady and really seemed like the author wasn’t trying to appeal to anyone in particular, just naturally letting everything flow and that’s why it worked so well. The other characters helped developing the story and they all had personal growths within it. Everything was rounded. Well done plot twists. As he was nearing the ending, he had a pretty good notion of how it was going to conclude and that was a great thing.

He didn’t find it wrong when you could just  _ tell _ beforehand how a story was going to end, because that would mean you had followed the narrative that was being told. And like he had said before in his life, that meant the reader wasn’t being treated like a fool.

As he was talking to her, the conversation with his mother had come into his mind for a minute. The past had been brought up to him earlier, and the girl in front of him had a very different take about it.

She would go back there in a heartbeat probably, Ben wouldn’t.

Still, that didn’t stop him from continuing to talk about the new topic in hand.

Rey listened attentively.

“So that’s why I think she will go the countryside.” He finished.

She nodded. “Well, I won’t tell you cause’ it’s a spoiler…  _ but _ I agree with you on that.” She looked away, as in thought again. “I know  _ I _ wouldn’t be able to live in the desert, my old home definitely felt like one.”

Rey snorted as she looked back at him.

Ben wasn’t so sure if she had meant to say that out loud, but he definitely had heard it.

_ She had also had more than one “home”? Besides the already known two jobs. _

__

_ Maybe she was just from out of town, don’t overanalyze it. _

__

It seemed like she wasn’t going to elaborate on that as she quickly added, “Anyway, I’m really, really glad you liked the book and got the chance to analyze it like that. It’s really awful when they give you a piece filled with stories, but you are not able to take anything from them, nothing fulfilling really, like they just threw stuff because they  _ could _ .” She smiled then. “And it’s really cool, the way you understood her, I mean. I know most people, sadly, wouldn’t.”

He nodded.

She put her hand up, suddenly. “Oh, right! You forgot about something important, though.”

“About what?”

“You didn’t mention the dog they gave her!”

Ben grimaced. “I don’t think she needed it  _ that _ much...”

“It was described as an “orange and white ball”! How cute is that?”

He blinked as she looked almost offended.

To be fair, the image of the dog had been kind of… sweet.

Ben liked dogs, right, overall.

“Well, I guess so.”

“Damn straight!” She said proudly and quickly added, “Sorry.”

Like it had hit her who she was talking to, at the end.

A professor from her college.

Maybe it was better if he just left…

An alarm that sounded like an ambulance started blasting through the shop and Rey quickly turned around.

She went to the counter and quickly picked a phone up, the tiny device that was delivering such a loud noise.

It stopped as she pressed over it, cringing.

“Sorry, again. I always put it on high volume in case I end up leaving it some place far.” She checked her phone for a few seconds and put it in her back pocket. “I’m clocking out.”

Ben looked around.

“Who’s going to watch over the shop?”

Rey seemed amused as she grabbed her blue bag from behind the counter. “Don’t worry, I’m not leaving it to its own mercy. The guy who has the shift after me is in the back. My alarm also lets him know when he has to leave his cave.”

“There’s been someone else here this entire time?” He asked as his eyes flew to where he knew “the back” was located.

She put on her backpack. “Yeah, he arrived a few minutes before you did.” She motioned towards the door. “Shall we?” Her eyes went wide. “Or, did you want to check other books? Wow, I just realized I kept you here with all my questions. Sorry.”

“No, no, it’s okay.”

He now had to say  _ why _ he was there in the first place.

“I had been passing by and I remembered about the book and I saw you here so I came in.” He said in one breath.

Well, in his defense, it wasn’t entirely a lie. Just the omission of his almost breakdown.

“I like discussing about my readings.” He finished. Which also wasn’t really a lie.

Rey smiled, taking his answer. “In that case, Professor, follow me!”

She started making her way towards the exit and left the door open for him.

Ben stared at her back for a few seconds and followed.

As they were both now outside, she sat down on a bench just across the bookshop. She removed her bag from her shoulder, her keychain jingling in the process, and quickly pulled out a notebook with a colorful cover and a black pen.

Ben stood still in front of her as she started writing something down.

When she finished, she looked up at him and handed him her notebook.

“Professor Solo, if it’s okay with you, I would like some book recommendations.”

He now stared at the notebook in front of him. She had put down “Book recs.” With messy handwriting.

He remembered that same handwriting for “Belonging” from a few weeks ago.

_ Now’s not the time to mentally criticize someone else’s handwriting, _ he scolded at himself.

Rey looked excited as she waited.

Ben sighed and grabbed the notebook from her hands as he saw her smiling triumphally.

He wasn’t too sure if his readings would be too much of her liking. Though, come again, they already shared one book in common so that was something.

Some names would pop in his mind pretty fast so he wrote those down. He was sure he was going to miss a lot, though.

He looked back at her as he stopped. “I might forget a lot, though. My memory is not that… consistent.”

She waved it off with her hand. “It’s okay. You can add them later when you remember.”

He nodded and kept writing.

_ Later?  _ So that meant they definitely would have to talk later.

Much to Ben’s surprise, he actually didn’t seem to mind that. There was no denying now that he was okay with the girl’s company.

A book came to his mind, but immediately decided not to write it down. Ben almost felt heat creeping into his cheeks.

When he re-read them all, he had written about twenty-five names.

“I might’ve taken it too far.” He said almost sheepishly as he gave Rey her notebook and pen back.

She let out a little laugh as she saw it. “Not at all. Thanks! It’s great. Are they listed in some specific order?”

“No. More like the ones that would come into my mind. I liked some better than others, of course.” He explained.

Rey nodded as she checked them one more time and closed the notebook. “Great. I’ll search for them.”

She put her things back in her bag.

“I believe some of them are at the college library. Some can be found online, if it comes to that, too.” He told her just in case.

“Wow, “having” my own library here has made me forget we actually have one at our university too. I’ll make sure to check there.” She got up from her seat and slung her bag over her shoulder. “I’m always the one looking for Finn’s PDFs or ePubs online since he hates everything related to technology.”

Ben looked at her. “Does he?”

“Yep. He hates it so much especially because his lifetime laptop is pretty slow. That’s why he can mess up with things like e-mails sometimes.” She shook her head, looking amused at her own telling of her friend.

That would explain why Finn had sent him two wrong files with cat pictures before sending the right one with their latest assignment, a few days ago.

He had decided to just brush it off.

“I see.”

Rey pointed towards her back. “I’m going to Uni. Do you have class right now?”

Ben shook his head. “I don’t. I’m just going home now.”

Also, he couldn’t really imagine himself arriving to his workplace with a student. Even if he wasn’t her teacher at all, they both were there, in that same space, for very different reasons.

She nodded and smiled. “Well, then, see you around, Professor. I have some readings to get started.”

He nodded back. “Okay.” 

She smiled at him one more time before turning around and walking to college.

He knew that was the direction.

Her keychain kept on jingling until she was too far away.

Ben turned to the opposite direction and went home.

Needless to say, he didn’t feel trapped anymore like earlier.

* * *

He had just made some pasta (he knew if stomachs could speak, his would’ve said to him “finally, idiot!”)

He had just thought about a freaking talking-stomach.

He must’ve been really tired.

Ben ate his dinner alone in his kitchen when his phone beeped, suddenly.

He picked it up.

It was a text message from Phasma.

_ Hey there, Solo. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let Ben and Rey write and direct future Star Wars movies, please.


	6. six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6 is here! Let’s see how Ben and Rey are doing… ;)
> 
> Thank you all so, so much for reading this lil fic, writing these two has truly become one of my favorite things in the world ❤️
> 
> And so it goes…

A few weeks had passed since Leia’s “some type of news” phone call and Ben’s abrupt arrival at the bookshop. He had managed to speak to her mother several days later after that, and both had gone on for the good five minutes the conversation had lasted without ever mentioning their latest one.

He had also spoken to Han once. His father might’ve as well never known about the infamous job offer since he never mentioned it once.

Ben felt thankful for that.

But most importantly, weeks had passed since Rey (and Ben too, really) had created absentmindedly a field where both of them would cross each other on an almost daily basis. A field which had consisted mainly, and at first strictly, of books.

Their meeting spot would always be the bookshop.

Ben had finished the book he had picked and Rey had recommended.

He had loved it, and he had been right about the ending.

“I wanted to tell you so bad the other day! Ah! She finally got the green.” She had said too him as soon as he announced to her he was finished.

Rey would start a new book from the list he gave her almost every four days and they would discuss about it when she had reached some climax point in the story, or when she had finished it. Much to Ben’s clear delight, she would mention, most of the time, his most favorite parts of the story and the ones he had previously considered essentially crucial, and they almost always had the same favorite characters.

That didn’t mean Rey never brought anything new on the plate. In fact, she had discovered on her own, substantial information that Ben hadn’t seen or just thought much about before.

Also, it didn’t mean that they would always agree on everything.

“There’s _no_ way he should’ve died!” She had exclaimed one morning when she had been placing books on a shelf. “He got his redemption, he had to stay with her!”

“Some may think he died the right way, you know, doing the right thing. Ultimately saving the woman he loved.” He had said as he read the summary of another book Rey had given him.

“What a bunch of shite.” Ben looked at her from the corner of his eye as she immediately said, “Sorry. But I just don’t get it! They should’ve let him have his atonement, his chance to right his wrongs! Ugh, I would be so much more down in the dumps if literally all of the rest of the story hadn’t been _so_ well written.”

He had actually been whatever with the character’s death before, but hearing Rey now, it had been making something inside him shift, he had to admit.

“Death doesn’t equal redemption. Redemption doesn’t equal death.” She sighed as she pushed a book a little too hard, making one of the others she had already arranged to fall down the shelf.

Rey’s arms were left extended as she gasped and Ben quickly grabbed the book midair, right in front of her face.

She looked at the book in his hand and then up at his face. She smiled sheepishly as she took it. “Thanks.”

Ben nodded as she put it back in its place.

He cleared his throat. “You were saying, “redemption doesn’t equal death”?”

“Yes!” She frowned as she continued, “I wanted to see him _living_. Even if he would have to face people throwing tomatoes at him every once in a while.” She put another book next to it. “At least he could happily be the one buying them for the people later on, with his lover by his side, and she would cheer him on while doing so, like he always did for her.”

The mental image of the couple going to the market holding hands, side by side, buying tomatoes for the villagers, was instantly formed in Ben’s head.

He also thought redemption didn’t equal death, of course, but he hadn’t been too sure, in all his life, if people could always be forgiven for the things that they did, no matter how awful. Or if they could always learn to forgive themselves, and just continue living.

He knew he wasn’t sure if he could too, either, especially the latter.

_Atonement_ , Rey had said.

Come again, this was fiction, and happy endings weren’t necessarily a bad thing, narrative wise, especially in fairytales. At least that’s what he thought.

Rey definitely thought so. Most of all, because the character had someone to live for.

Ben had found himself going to the bookshop regularly, not only to talk to Rey about the readings, but also because the reading spot they had there was, pretty much, a really good one. No intense natural lightning to disturb him, enough space to write, mark papers and read; books so much closer to his proximity, not loud noises at all. So, in summary, he was going there more than to the college library.

The “library”, as he had learned Rey would call it most of the time, wasn’t usually packed with people. In fact, it almost never was. They would get delivery orders, mostly, to other bigger bookshops or to people who needed school textbooks.

Though, there was one time when Rey had to literally follow some guy around for an entire hour or more, as he had been constantly switching books, not knowing which ones to get or just deciding to change them after already making Rey pick them for him.

“I don’t even know why I had to do this.”

“They make me read all this shite as if I care!”

“Why do we even _need_ this, there’s the Internet, for Christ’s sake!”

Ben was pretty sure Jesus Christ would prefer reading in a physical copy, but well. He had absentmindedly made that comment to Rey after the guy had left and she had almost spat her water.

He would see Rey rolling her eyes in exasperation every time she and loud guy would pass by the reading spot. He would shake his head.

In the weeks he had been going, he hadn’t seen any students from college there, at least not ones he knew or was aware that _knew_ him.

Except that one time he had seen Finn and Rose through the windows but they had never gotten inside. They had waited for Rey outside the shop as she was on her way out of her shift. Ben had stayed reading after she had left.

“You’ll stay here?” Rey had asked him as she stood in front of him. She looked down for a moment, fidgeting with a key, but quickly looked back up when she said, “Finn, Rose and I are going to grab a–” She shook her head, “Never mind. I have to get going. See you soon, Professor.”

She said goodbye to him, back with her usual tone.

Ben had stared after her until she was gone.

_Was she going to invite me to go with them?_

He had been partially glad she hadn’t actually gone on with the invitation, as he was for sure going to decline anyways.

And he said “partially” because he knew that for, some reason, he didn’t totally feel… nonchalant about it. 

People realizing they didn’t actually want your company wasn’t really a good thing to get.

Wait.

He was being absolutely ridiculous.

Of course her friends would’ve probably been uncomfortable having him there, in a possibly non-college related thing. Not to mention, he would be uncomfortable, too. With his students.

And Rey surely knew that.

After all the days that had passed, he had been almost sure that Rey seemed to not want him to disappear from her sight “ASAP” like most people. She genuinely was interested in talking to him about the readings _she_ had asked him for, and even occasionally talking about her own life too and filling him in bookshop related topics.

He had finally learned that Rey was studying Automotive Engineering at college. She was really good at painting and drawing and had done other type of works, especially car parts designing. She had shown Ben a few of her car designs that she kept in the same notebook she was always carrying around in her blue backpack, and the same where he had put down his reading list.

Ben actually had gaped at one of her drawings because of how good it was. That had made Rey smile widely, and him to slightly blush. His impression had been exposed.

Ever since she was little, she had told him, she would draw things related to space as she loved everything about it, but hadn’t shown Ben any of those.

She was in the same year as Finn and Rose. She was twenty years old.

Rey had actually meant to choose a Literature subject for her elective at first, but had arrived late at registration so she didn’t get a spot. Instead, she got to choose a sculpture class.

She could’ve _actually_ been his student…

Ben had quickly brushed off the thought.

She had worked at a coffee shop for three years before going to the bookshop, like she had already mentioned before when they first met at her current workplace.

“I needed the money, but also because it’s like… I always have to be _doing_ something, you know? I can’t really seem to just stay still.”

When she had said that, she had done it in a playful kind of way, but Ben got the feeling that maybe there was more to it than that.

However, he wouldn’t push her to tell him more than she intended to.

There was also the fact that he was in no position to do so; he certainly hadn’t told her a lot of things about himself. Just the basic information so she wouldn’t think he was secretly some serial killer, or something of the sorts, prying on young girls who liked books and analyzing them. He still wasn’t sure if he had covered enough ground to let her fully believe that he indeed wasn’t any of that, but Rey really seemed to trust him (he guessed he could put it that way) at some extent.

Ben couldn’t help but think at some point that maybe she had just wanted him to fix some grades for her friends by being “friendly” to him (even though they really didn’t need it, especially Rose, and it wasn’t like he was ever actually going to give in to that), or maybe it was some sort of revenge thing to get something out of him for being “too strict” with her friends or someone else.

Maybe still the whole painting situation that led them to meet each other?

However, so far, she hadn’t shown any signs of having those kinds of intentions. The subject was never brought up again after they had “settled” it. Whenever she mentioned her friends, it would always be on casual circumstances. Ben had seen and met enough two-faced people to last him a lifetime. He knew the deal.

And as the days rolled by, Ben also seemed to start to trust Rey at some extent, too.

He would also mention, every once in a while, some things that weren’t _exactly_ related to books, or college stuff for that matter. He had already told her his actual age when she had asked (which he guessed wasn’t really that bad, it was, after all, vital information), but he had also told her about his coming to London from the States at eighteen years old to go to college and the fact that he had stayed there ever since. He had made sure not to mention his parents nor his family at all. He was sure Rey had wanted to ask at some point, but she didn’t. He had mentally thanked her for that.

He had noticed too, though, that Rey also hadn’t really talked about hers. Except for one time when she had mentioned a woman called Maz, who had made her a trifle for lunch. Ben hadn’t asked more.

Rey would also ask him trivial things, like his favorite color, TV show, movie, book, sports team, Hogwarts house (“you must’ve done the test!”), season, among stuff.

_Black (shocking!), don’t have one, not sure but probably a science fiction one, impossible, don’t have one, Ravenclaw (I did it), fall._

He had asked some of those questions back to her. She was a Gryffindor and loved summer, the season that was soon approaching.

He didn’t ask but she also added that she was a Tottenham Hotspur fan.

She also couldn’t name just one favorite book. 

“Though, it would definitely be _one_ of Jane Austen’s. I don’t know which one, however. And below them, _Anne of Green Gables_. Not even sorry.”

He hadn’t read the latter, but he had looked it up online at home later that night.

Jane Austen, _that_ he had read a lot.

Outside the bookshop, they would hardly cross paths at college. He had seen her from afar one time as she had been walking with Rose towards the fountains near the cafeteria. Other time, she had been walking alone with her light blue headphones on as he had been leaving campus. At other occasion, she had been waiting again for Finn and Rose after their class with Ben. He had been on his seat as always and had caught sight of Rey by the door. She had waved at him from her spot and he had nodded back in response. Then she left with her two friends.

Their respective departments weren’t anywhere near the other, and Ben thought it was better that way. Even if he wasn’t her teacher, it would still make people raise eyebrows, especially his bosses, at the fact that _a_ teacher and _a_ student were spending time together outside of university. Even if they weren’t really doing anything “wrong”, whatever that could mean.

Ben had thought of their relation as a teacher slash student one at first when they had started meeting each other for their book thing, but as of now, he couldn’t really just call it that...

He definitely didn’t have something like _that_ with _any_ of his other students or university people.

Outside of college, Rey and Ben were just… them. They were kind of friends. Even if neither had really said the word yet. It was slowly becoming truer, much to Ben’s surprise.

As he was now washing dishes, the thought suddenly hitting him.

Ben Solo had three friends in his life. Phasma, Hux and… Rey?

Rey Kanata, the twenty-year old student, ten years younger than him, from the college he taught at.

He shook his head. No. It couldn’t be–

His gaze then fell on his kitchen table. On top of it was a book he had borrowed from the college library. And stuck to it, was a yellow post-it that read, almost mockingly: _Rey_.

He had written it down so he wouldn’t forget to give it to her. It was one of the books that she hadn’t read yet from the list and Ben had looked for it.

_Okay_ , _fuck it_.

Maybe she was his friend after all.

One thing Ben knew for sure was that Rey was probably, eventually, going to get jaded or tired of him at some point.

So, he was prepared for it.

It wouldn’t surprise him, really, if that happened.

_When_ that happened.

She was young and carefree and probably had enough friends to last her a lifetime, outside of Finn and Rose.

A thirty-year-old grump with less social skills than a toaster wouldn’t really move her much.

And _that’s_ why he had decided to not give it too much thought at the relationship they had.

It was a casual kind of friendship, no real, profound attachments, and he was fine with that.

He put his dishes to dry and left his kitchen to take a shower.

* * *

Hux had called Ben at eight PM and invited him for some beers. He had just finished preparing his class for Monday at the college library (he needed some books from there) as they were closing down, so he had agreed and grabbed a cab to his friend’s house.

It had been long since Ben had had a drink with his friend so he was actually looking forward to it.

However, as soon as Ben had arrived at his ginger-head friend’s apartment, he had found him with already three empty bottles on top of his kitchen table and about to finish his fourth one that he was gulping down at an extremely fast pace.

And _crying_.

Needless to say, Ben had found seeing I-have-my-shit-together Hux crying his eyes out, _terrifying_.

“What the _hell_?” He had let out at the scene if front of him.

His friend hadn’t even heard him coming in as he had left the door opened.

In between drunken _sobs_ , his friend told him his girlfriend had just broken up with him.

Ben didn’t even know he had a girlfriend.

“Because we lasted two _days_!”

He had stayed with his friend, listening to him for several hours, without ever getting his beer, until Hux had fallen asleep on his couch.

He wasn’t really good at giving advice, not like Hux was expecting it anyway, or really at making other people feel better, but he could listen to them.

Before leaving, Ben had made sure Hux wouldn’t end up dead or in a ditch the next morning so he hid his car keys, just in case.

And the knives.

Okay, the latter was more to try to be funny.

He was walking back home as he had made the cab stop a few blocks away from his apartment. His friend’s alcohol smell had gotten stuck to his clothes and he needed some air.

It was getting late and the May night was a little bit warmer than usual. As warm as London could get, obviously.

He kicked a can of soda by accident with his shoe and proceeded to crouch down to grab it.

As he took it and stood up again his gaze fell on something else now.

Or some _one_.

Ben could make out a slim figure sitting down against the bookshop. _The_ bookshop where he had spent most of his time in the last weeks.

He frowned as he slowly approached it.

An internal speech about how incredibly annoying it was to see drunk people on the street who would just start screaming nonsense at the passersby and reek of the alcohol they had previously consumed and how some of them could even get violent was starting to form in Ben’s head. That, until he suddenly had a full and clear view of who the drunk leaning against the bookshop was, as he was now standing near them.

“Professor Solo!”

Rey.

_Fuck_ , _Rey_?

“Rey.” Ben said dumbfoundedly.

Something like “howar yo” came out of her mouth next as she waved at him with her hand. She was sitting down, both her knees up.

Ben blinked, still not quite believing his eyes.

Rey was wearing a blue sweater, black jeans and her usual black ankle boots. Her hair was down this time.

And she looked _hammered_.

He tried to articulate his words, as he was finding it difficult to do so.

He might have as well be drunk too.

Well, he could’ve been, if Hux’s one-day, sorry, two-day girlfriend hadn’t broken up with him by text.

But maybe not as drunk as she...

“Rey. What in the world are you doing here?” He said, his voice as incredulous as he felt.

“Whatelse? I am here to-o work, Professorrrrrr!” She exclaimed as she pointed towards the closed shop behind her, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. This time, she dragged the “r” in “Professor”.

He raised both his eyebrows at her. “Right now? On a Saturday? At midnight?”

She laughed and now pointed at him. “Your face looks fun! It’s… like, like whaaaaat?” She said as she dragged the word “what”.

Ben wasn’t too sure what she meant by his face looking “fun” but he preferred to think she meant his facial expression, at the moment, was fun.

For what was left of his pride.

He shook his head and said as clear as he could muster, while leaning down a bit towards her, “Rey. How did you end up here? Where were you before coming here?”

Rey’s laughing fit stopped as she suddenly let out a combination of a gasp and a hiccup. “R-wude boy!”

“Excuse me?” 

“Was a-at karaoke with the guys.” She said as she gestured in circles with her finger. “Near. Here. I left. They didn’t see me.”

_The guys? Finn and Rose? Other guys? Had they actually left her all by herself?_

Ben had a lecture ready at the tip of his tongue.

_Do you know how dangerous this is? You could’ve gotten hit by a car! Some creep could’ve taken advantage of you! You just don’t get this drunk while being outside, public places like karaoke bars are not one hundred percent safe even if you have company, if not at all! Especially if your other friends get drunk too. Who’s supposed to take care of you, then?_

He bit it all down, though.

He knew lecturing a very inebriated twenty-year-old in the middle of the street at twelve AM definitely wasn’t a good idea.

His words were all just going to go in one ear and out the other.

Ben hadn’t really had too much of “college night-outs” back in the days.

_Back in the days_ , he was starting to sound like his uncle Luke who he saw every five years.

Except when Phasma would be in town and wouldn’t ditch him and Hux (who he had introduced her to) to go out with her girlfriend of that moment. Or when Hux felt like getting a drink, or when _Ben_ did. The plan would mostly start from him when he felt too stressed and just needed that godforsaken booze.

He crouched down in front of Rey and she smiled at him. Almost like with her whole face.

He swore he could see her eyes fucking twinkling.

She really was drunk.

If Hux had reeked of alcohol, Rey smelled like a whole liquor store. A liquor store that had exploded.

This whole situation was just crazy.

Another thunderous laugh came out from her, making Ben’s eyes go wide. “I’m f-winally your height!”

“No, you’re not. I’m just crouching down.” He told her as he frowned at her head. He extended his arm towards her for a second. “Even like this, I’m still taller than you.”

Rey huffed, annoyed suddenly as she crossed her arms, as in making a fortress keeping him out.

If the circumstances had been different, Ben might’ve found amusing her attempt at an angry expression. In the few weeks he had known her, he was aware that wasn’t the actual version of it.

He stood up again. “Can you stand up on your own?”

She had been looking straight and quickly looked up at the realization of Ben’s question.

It had taken Rey an entire good full minute to finally stand up straight.

While clutching onto Ben’s arm.

She stared at him.

“Come on. You’re going to walk this off first. Then you go home.” He announced as he dropped the soda in a trash can.

They had been walking around the perimeter for now thirty minutes.

“What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday?”

“Rey, this is the third time you’ve asked me this.”

“Aye ‘maighty!”

Her hand flew to her mouth as she cackled.

At least she could formulate full sentences now.

_You know, improvement._

She had still been clutching onto his arm, though.

He guessed she had been afraid to fall so he just let her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I love me some drunk trope haha.
> 
> Also, yes, I made Rey a Spurs fan.


	7. seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7 is here! :) thank u so, so much for all the love in the previous chapters ❤️
> 
> One day after Valentine's Day, I was losing my mind yesterday with all the beautiful Reylo fanart that was released and all the fics! This fandom sure is a talented one.
> 
> Aaaand now back to these two... ;)

Rey was _singing_.

And walking backwards.

Thankfully, all the walking they had done for almost an hour succeeded in making her drunkenness go down by a lot as she was finally able to carry herself without help.

And she could even sing now without slurring her words like before.

He wasn’t surprised, though, that she seemed to know the full lyrics of everything. After all, she could memorize passages from books pretty easily.

Ben didn’t know most of the songs, like the ones from Ariana Grande, who he had come to learn she _adored_ from her pop music preferences.

Except when she sang Macarena. He did know that one. He was, after all, from Earth.

He didn’t know the song she was doing now, if it really was one and she hadn’t made it up, but Rey had told him it was one from “The Fenty Beauty”, whoever that was.

She kept repeating the words “rude boy” like it was some chorus as she would point towards him with her fingers.

He figured it was some sort of dancing move.

“You feeling better?” He asked her as she seemed to finish with her performance.

“I think so-o, yeah. This is really helpful!” She told him after making a small bow.

Ben thought it would be better if Rey didn’t arrive home as plastered as she had previously been. Especially if she was going to arrive with him.

There was no way he was just going to let her go all by herself, in a cab, in the middle of the night. He had a conscious.

The thought had scared him more than he would’ve thought. Even more than going to _her_ house, and at _that_ hour, for that matter.

He hadn’t gotten her into that state, he had been telling himself as he waited for her to sober up. It wasn’t his fault so he shouldn’t feel weird about bringing her home to whoever would be waiting for her there.

They were acquaintances and he had found her in the street. It was human decency.

Okay, he wasn’t so sure if he would’ve done all of that for someone he only considered as an “acquaintance”.

_Ugh, stop overthinking._

Ben stopped walking and Rey stopped too. 

Her eyes still looked a little bit unfocused but she definitely seemed to be better.

“Do you want–”

“Professor Solo.” She said all of a sudden, looking serious.

He sighed as he scratched his cheek. “I know. The pirate said “Aye ‘maighty!” on his eightieth birthday.”

She shook her head. “No, no. Not that.”

Her hand flew to her mouth.

“What is it?”

She smiled behind her hand as she whispered at him, “You’re not rude.”

Ben nodded, slowly. “Okay.”

Did Rey think he was rude?

He knew he hadn’t been exactly the _nicest_ when they first met but he didn’t think he had ever really _been_ rude to–

Here he was again, overthinking.

He cleared his throat. “Do you want to go home now? I think you are more sobered up.”

Rey’s eyes went wide, like the thought just hit her. “Bollocks! What time is it, again?”

She quickly put her phone out of her pocket, to check the hour, it seemed.

It wasn’t turning on as Rey kept pressing the power button on the side.

Now, that would explain why her friends hadn’t called her at all in the past hour. Ben had been starting to question Finn and Rose’s common sense more and more.

_That_ if she had actually been with them. He hadn’t tried to ask her again.

Ben checked his phone. “It’s exactly one AM.”

She huffed, but didn’t look too worried. “Maz is _so_ gonna make me cook breakfast tomorrow.”

This was the second time she had mentioned a Maz.

_Her mother? An aunt? Grandma? Friend?_

He didn’t really think Rey would get, like, _badly_ scolded or something for arriving home at one in the morning. After all, she was already twenty.

Right?

Come again, he wasn’t really aware of her home life.

That was another line.

Ben put his phone back in his pocket. “Already ordered a cab. It should be here in a few minutes.”

“Thank you so much.” She replied as her hands collided against her forehead. “ _Ugh_ , I’m never drinking again.”

He almost snorted at the cliché line Rey had just delivered.

He finally got the chance to ask her after a few minutes, “How did you get like this, anyway?”

She looked up at him.

“Oh, I was with Rose and Finn. At a bar karaoke, I mean, karaoke bar near the shop. It was somebody’s birthday there. We might’ve drunk too many free marga-ritas…” She said as she rubbed her head.

So she had been with them.

“It was dangerous, what you did, Rey, are you aware of that? Going out to the streets while being drunk.” He said as calmly as he could, even if he had wanted to say so much more than that.

He still wasn’t sure if he was in any position to lecture her, after all, but come on!

“I know. I know. I would never do something like that, I swear.” She said as she looked back at him again, her eyes looking sad all of a sudden.

Ben frowned at her expression.

“Are you okay?”

He didn’t get a chance to hear her reply as a cab suddenly pulled up next to them.

He looked back at Rey. “How far away is your house?”

She thought for a second. “Like fifteen minutes away.”

“Do you feel dizzy?”

“No.”

“Do you think you might throw up in the next fifteen minutes?”

“I don’t think so.”

“That’ll do. Let’s go.”

Her eyes went wide. “Wait, what? You’re coming with me?”

Ben might not have looked at her at all like she was crazy all night, but he definitely did so now.

“Of course, I am. There’s no way you’re going by yourself at this hour. Come on.”

He opened the cab door.

Rey stayed put as she looked at him.

He suddenly felt self-conscious.

“What is it?” He chose to ask her directly, “It won’t be okay if I go there with you?”

She shook her head frantically at his response and Ben almost felt his stomach falling until she said, “No! Not at all! There’s no problem. Let’s go.”

Rey’s response seemed genuine, like she always would, but Ben wasn’t too convinced as she hopped into the cab.

He noticed her face looked red as she walked past him. He guessed she was one of those people who got redness in their faces whenever they got drunk.

Ben followed suit and she told the driver her address when they were both inside.

Neither of them said anything on the ride, both sitting in each corner of the backseats.

Rey’s face was pressed against the window as she was looking out.

“There’s so many stars tonight. The moonlight.”

The tone of adoration in her voice was noticeable.

Ben couldn’t help but look out too from his window.

* * *

Just like Rey had said, it had taken them fifteen minutes to get to her house.

Ben hadn’t certainly ruled out the possibility of a meeting with Rey’s guardian as he was going to bring her home.

But he certainly didn’t except to see said guardian the _second_ after they would step out of the cab.

Literally.

_Now_ , Ben’s stomach did fall.

A tiny woman with big black glasses, had her arms crossed as she looked up at them both, eyes narrowed, like they were in an episode of those singing reality shows and they had just performed a bad rendition of “I will always love you” by Whitney Houston.

_God, Rey’s singing was getting to his head._

“Maz. Hey!” Rey said to the woman standing in front of them.

She didn’t look as nervous as Ben certainly felt.

For real, the woman was _mad_ intimidating, and it had only been like twenty seconds.

_What exactly did I put myself into?_

If somehow Ben’s life was being watch by an exterior audience, he thought, they would certainly be laughing at the six-foot three giant being intimidated by a person who would literally have to stand on her tiptoes to barely reach his shoulders.

He looked down at Rey for a second.

Her head reached his shoulders while she was standing up normal.

“Kid.” The woman replied as a form of greeting as she addressed Rey. “You didn’t say you would stay up late tonight.”

“I know, I’m so sorry. I lost track of time.” Rey replied.

Maz nodded and she looked at Ben now.

_Holy–_

“And who this might be?” She asked and Ben could almost feel his entire life being judged just by a simple look and question.

“Good evening, ma'am, my name is Ben Solo–”

“Good morning, young man.”

His eyes went wide.

“Maz, he’s my friend.” Rey chimed in.

Ben looked back at her.

She had said “friend.”

_Rey said it._

He saw Maz slowly nodding.

Ben wondered if she could sense Rey’s margarita blender smell. He had gotten used to it by now.

“All right.” She clapped her hands. “Get inside after you’re done saying goodbye. I left some tea and biscuits for you in the kitchen.” She pointed at Rey and then finished, “Goodnight to you both.”

The woman turned around and entered the house.

“Night Maz!” Rey said before she would close the door and Maz gave her a quick wave and a smile.

The door was closed and they were alone with the cab waiting for Ben a few steps away.

_What the hell just happened?_ He thought.

So, he asked Rey that. “What just happened?”

She looked up at him as she smiled. “She got her answers. She’s off to bed now. She knows I’m not one to do “stupid things” so she’s satisfied.”

Ben had wanted to ask who the peculiar woman was exactly after staring at the door for a few seconds, incredulous, but saw Rey yawning.

“I better get inside to eat those biscuits and tea or _then_ she’ll be pissed.”

He nodded, now past his previous shock. “Okay.”

Rey smiled at him again. “Thank you so much for bringing me home, Professor. I’m still not myself one hundred percent but I do know this. So, thank you.”

Ben nodded again as he looked down at her, his hands on his pockets. He felt the night getting colder as the minutes advanced. “No problem.”

She stared at him for a few seconds, not saying anything.

“Is everything–”

Rey suddenly extended her hand towards him.

Ben looked at it and then at her.

“I’m saying goodbye, Professor.” She explained.

Again, Ben felt stupid.

He was beginning to notice that would happen a lot to him around Rey.

Even if _she_ had been the one who had been belting out song lyrics for an entire hour in the middle of the street and joked about eighty-year-old pirates, she hadn’t looked stupid.

He took her hand and they shook them.

Rey’s hands were getting cold.

For an instant, Ben felt the need to cover it with his other hand.

She had to get inside.

They dropped their hands after a few seconds as he said, “Goodnight, Rey.”

“Goodnight.”

She smiled at him one more time until finally turning around and following the same direction Maz had taken.

He finally took notice of the house.

It was a light brown, small, cozy-looking house, like the ones you see in movies, with two windows on the front, red rooftop and a chimney sticking out.

He also noticed the small garden they had at the front yard.

There were barely any plants and flowers, even if spring had already done its work in the past month, and the leaves scattered around looked all long gone. From his spot alone, he could tell some roots were almost at the stage of no return.

_It’s a sad garden,_ he thought.

Ben saw as Rey got inside the house.

He then turned around towards the opposite direction and left for his cab.

* * *

So, Rey and Ben were friends.

He thought as he looked at her, a few days later, while he had been marking papers and she was wiping out the dust off some books with a little-too-big feather duster by the counter.

Needless to say, Rey had felt awful about the whole drunk episode “she had made him live”, as she had put it. She had explained about Finn and Rose, too, how they had been even drunker than she was (“you know, spilling last week’s breakfast kind of…” she had said and Ben had grimaced), and hadn’t had any idea she had left at all until they had regained consciousness. A very nice bartender had made sure they didn’t die on the spot.

By the time they had managed to reach out to her, she had been at home already, her phone charging.

Ben guessed and _hoped_ , they had learned their lesson for any future circumstance.

It’s not like he was always going to be able to reach Rey…

The following Monday, when they happened to see each other in college, she had also brought a gift.

Ben’s eyes had gone wide both at her approaching him at _that_ place and at the paper bag she had been extending to him.

“For the Saturday events. Maz and I baked it yesterday night. She said “give some to Ben Solo” and I agreed with her.” She had told him as she handed it to him. “Hope you like it.”

Ben hadn’t been able to say anything else as Rey had left as soon as he grabbed her gift.

It was a Battenberg cake.

A British dessert with a distinctive pattern of two pink and yellow squares, with two other squares on top with alternating colors. It had jam and marzipan.

Ben’s shock doubled.

That was one of the British desserts he actually liked.

He had eaten it during his lunch break, a few hours later, after staring at it for a long while. Right after that, he had also found a piece of paper at the bottom of the bag.

It was a cartoon version of Rey, she had her three buns, with a word balloon that read “SORRY”. She was standing on top of a box and had a microphone in one of her hands.

Ben put it in one of his folders.

Rey had interacted with him in the middle of college campus, very briefly but still, and the world hadn’t imploded like he had thought before it would, for some reason.

Apart from her apologies and gifts and him accepting them, Rey didn’t seem to show any excessive embarrassment about the whole thing.

You know, the one you would feel if a teacher figure had seen you and spent a few hours with you while you were drunk out of your mind. 

Because they were friends. And friends helped each other.

She would’ve done the same for him if the situation had been reversed.

Rey wasn’t some sort of “opportunist”. Her actions and behavior reflected that. If she had accepted his help, it was because she would do the same for him.

She would also willingly help him, because she cared, even at some extent, just like he did.

Friends.

They were friends.

It was as simple as that, and Ben had to accept it.

“Hey, there.”

He quickly looked up at Rey’s voice.

“Hey. You done with that?” He asked motioning towards the books.

“Yes.” She nodded.

“No spider smushed inside a cookbook this time?” He remembered a few weeks ago Rey had found one. She had let it fall to the ground and killed it with her boot.

“Spiders have been cleared.”

He nodded. “By the way, I think I might’ve caught the Easter egg on _Insomnia_. I really think now that it was the same dagger the father had used in the last book.”

Rey nodded. “Same shape.”

When her eyes didn’t meet his, he knew something was up.

She _loved_ talking about Easter eggs in books.

He frowned. “Is… something wrong?”

Her eyes were fixed on the floor.

“Rey?”

“I was thinking about my parents.”

There she was, right to the point.

And, well, that had also caught him off guard.

She hadn’t mentioned them before to him.

“What about them?” He asked as he was now completely turned on his seat towards her direction.

She sat down on the other couch, facing him.

“I’m adopted.”

He looked at her and blinked.

“Okay.” He said.

“Maz is my adoptive mother.” She continued, “She’s been so for four years now.”

He nodded. “I kind of understood so.” He quickly added as he gestured with his hands, “Not the fact that it’s been four years, that– I didn’t know that. How could I?”

_What?_

Thankfully, Rey smiled at him.

“Yeah. I was sixteen when it happened.” Her expression shifted then. “Before that, I had lived with a man called Unkar Plutt from age ten to fifteen. He sold cars in a junkyard. That place felt like a desert. Nothing much, really. I lived there with him. That’s also the place where I learned about cars. Unkar didn’t teach me, though. He never really liked me, to be honest. I kind of just got the hang of it by the years.” Her gaze went from Ben to the wall next to him. “I would draw when I would get bored, too. When I wasn’t bored, also. The car parts that were always lying around, but mostly the stars and everything and anything I saw floating in the sky.”

Ben looked at Rey as she retold.

She was actually telling him about her past.

The desert.

He certainly hadn’t expected that to happen when he got there an hour ago.

However, he found himself listening attentively.

“My parents, I don’t really remember them. I was five when they died. Car crash. I was in school when it happened.” She pursed her lip. “Since I didn’t have any near relatives, besides some neglectful grandfather who never cared about me or my father, and was more like just somehow… _inserted_ into my life for no reason at all, I went into the system for five years. My dad didn’t even use my grandfather’s last name so I wasn’t registered with it either. I didn’t even know about that man until I was older and had gone through so much stuff already.” She scowled. “Still, I can’t pretend that I didn’t come from there.”

_Bloodlines_ , Ben suddenly thought, he knew a thing or two about that.

More like _a lot_.

It had driven a big portion of his life.

He felt like there was more to it, obviously, but Rey seemed to stop herself.

“I think about my parents. I remember their faces, barely. My mum holding me in her arms.” She shook her head, but suddenly smiled, fondly. “There’s one particular thing from her that did stick with me until now, though.”

“What is it?” He asked, curious.

Her smile got bigger as she pointed at her hair. She had an updo, this time.

“She _loved_ doing my hair. All the hairstyles she thought possible, even if they looked crazy, she didn’t care. We didn’t care. I never forgot how to do them and got to learn more after.”

He guessed, then, her mother had taught her the three buns ones, among some of them.

Some of them were crazy, alright, but they suited her.

He felt that was something her mother had started for Rey, sure, but now she had finished it.

And it was hers, now. No one else’s. And she had learned to do her own thing.

Ben stared at her and she looked down at her hands. “You went to my house the other day and met Maz. I figured I would tell you who she was. She’s been the absolute greatest. Almost like an angel, Jesus, I was _sixteen_ , practically an adult in adopting terms.”

“A few years after she took me in, I decided to get the coffee shop job to help her out. I had to convince her. My job here now is also to keep on helping her.”

In order to tell him about Maz, she also had to mention her parents…

He shook his head. “Rey, if you felt that was something too personal or didn’t want to share–”

“No. I did. I wanted to share it.” She quickly said, as if knowing exactly what he meant by that.

He believed her.

They were in silence for a few minutes. Rey was no longer looking at her hands, but ahead.

A thought that had been in Ben’s mind came back to him and he just shared it. “My grandmother. She liked different hairstyles, too.”

Rey’s eyes fell on him. “Really?”

He had never once mentioned anybody from his family.

He wasn’t doing it now just because Rey had mentioned hers.

Ben just… felt like it.

“Really. I never met her, she died very young.” He cleared his throat. “I saw pictures, though. She always had a different style in every single one of them. I thought they looked nice.”

Rey smiled at that. “What was her name?”

“Padmé.” He replied.

She nodded, taking it in.

“She looked really pretty in the pictures.” He said, in thought, as he remembered her grandmother’s long hair, soft-looking eyes and gentle smile.

His mother looked so much like her.

She had also been a really important Senator. Almost got the US presidency, in fact, but he wasn’t going to tell Rey that.

“I bet she was.”

Ben looked back at her as the bell suddenly jingled.

They both looked at the door.

It was Poe Dameron, Rey’s boss.

He extended his arms in the air like he was about to take flight.

“Guess who just sold twenty fucking cooking books!”

* * *

As Rey and Poe were looking over some bookmarks, Ben got a text from Phasma.

_I’m coming tomorrow, Solo!_

Ben remembered her text from several weeks ago saying she was coming soon to London. Earlier in the week, she had reconfirmed.

Another text came in.

_You better abandon your cave at least for the day._

His gaze fell on Rey’s blue bag that she had left laying by his own bag.

It seemed someone else had been able to get him out of it, his cave, too. At least for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rey opening up to Ben and he can no longer deny they are friends ;)


	8. eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! Chapter 8 is here :)  
> Thank you so much for all the reads and love ❤️ I never thought my lil fic would reach this amount of people. I love writing Ben and Rey, so I promise I’ll keep giving it my best! 
> 
> Ben’s oldest friend is coming to town, how will that go down?

“I aced it!”

Rey held up proudly her exam to Maz.

Ben had been buying some books from the shop as he had decided to start some new ones. Rey’s cry of happiness coming from outside made him turn around.

He looked at the two women through the bookshop windows.

Rey had been _ecstatic_ all morning as she had just received her marked paper from one of her classes, which Ben couldn’t really seem to grasp its name and didn’t really have too much (any, really) knowledge of.

But she had been so excited, he had checked it out and asked her questions about it.

She told him Maz was going to come over for a bit to bring her some lunch.

Ben wasn’t sure if he was ready to face her adoptive mother after just a few days of her seeing him, because, _yes_ , he was still a little bit wary about it. So, he had stayed inside doing his business when Rey went out to meet her.

_I promise I’m not, like, following your daughter around or something like that._

That was definitely not the case.

He looked as Maz finished reading the papers and waited for the imminent big hug Rey was probably going to give her, or vice versa, just by seeing the happy expressions on their faces.

However, that didn’t happen.

Maz grabbed Rey’s hands, affectionally so, and she did the same in return, as they shook them. He could tell her mother was telling her something and Rey was nodding with a grin on her face. 

Ben quickly turned around as Rey started waving Maz goodbye, a small bag now in her hands.

The bell jingled while he made his way to the counter with the books he had selected.

He looked up at Rey’s smiley face as she waited for him.

“Did she understand what it was about?” He asked.

She shook her head while grinning. “Nope. Not a thing.” She looked down at her container. “Do you like scones?”

He did.

* * *

His students were discussing about destiny.

The Greek heroes were always being influenced by their Gods. Almost every, not to say _all_ , of their path would be discussed and decided by a bigger form from above and they just had to take it.

“They are never in possession of their own destinies. It’s like they don’t even know what’s going on with themselves.” Somebody had said.

“That’s for most classics like Homer. As we know, in modern times, Don Quixote was able to choose his own destiny. He didn’t have any family behind; we don’t know anything about his family. He chose to be a walking knight. He’s a self-made character. Genes take a big part in the narrative of the destiny. He’s a “son” of discourses.” Ben said as the class took notes.

He found it almost ironic, having discussions about this whole thing in class, after the things that had happened with Rey in the last few days.

And with himself.

He was not about to fucking compare anything about Don Quixote with things happening in his personal life, so he quickly brushed it off.

After some more explanations, Ben made the class read out loud passages from the currently assigned book, in turns.

After Rose Tico’s turn, he stole a quick glance at her and Finn.

After all the weeks that had passed, he didn’t seem to notice any particular _different_ behaviors directed at him from them.

That made him think maybe Rey hadn’t told them about their new friendship.

Which he wasn’t too sure if he was _really_ glad about or maybe a bit upset.

Upset, because, well, he wasn’t too sure why.

It just seemed that, despite his previous thoughts and assumptions, Finn and Rose were the only close friends Rey actually had, or at least considered to be. The times she had mentioned to him doing some type of activity or any mention regarding her life, it was always just the two of them.

It actually made Ben curious, since Rey was really outgoing, matured and just overall a person he didn’t really think people would dislike. She even had a good relationship with her employer and the other few co-workers he had seen occasionally.

Like back-room guy. He trusted Rey enough to wake him up when his shift started.

Ben’s forming dark cloud started dissipating a bit after a thought occurred to him.

_She doesn’t seem to let too many people in, despite her outgoing nature. But she had let_ him _in?_

At least at some extent, right? She did tell him something as personal as her family matters, after all.

When another student started reading, he looked back at Rey’s friends.

_Was he on his way to be_ someone _like them for her too?_

Ben suddenly felt sick at himself.

Why in the hell did the fact that, for some reason, Rey wouldn’t open up to too many people but a few, and it seemed like that included him, make him feel somewhat good?

When he put it that way, it sounded awful.

Especially because she probably had not-so-pleasant reasons for it.

Just… like he did.

However, he realized, it wasn’t that he was glad Rey didn’t have too many friends, at all.

It was that he was glad _he_ was one of them.

His head was going to explode.

“Continue, Rey…mond.”

Hi blinked.

His eyes went wide.

_Fuck_ , _fuck, fuck, fuck._

_What?_

He felt as the entire class looked at him, naturally.

“There isn’t a Raymond here, Professor Solo.”

Finn was the one who said it after a few seconds of silence.

Ben looked up.

“Sorry _.” Fuck, fuck, fuck this shit. Whose fucking name starts with R? Quick, quick, quick. Right!_ “I meant Rhodes.”

A boy named Rhodes started reading out loud.

He might have saved it in front of his students, but _he_ knew what he had done.

He shook his head.

* * *

Ben was on his phone as his friends went to get their drinks.

His thumb had hovered over the “Accept” option for the past ten minutes.

He stared.

Phasma and Hux were coming back to their table at the bar they had gone to, in Soho, so he took that as an opportunity to just press it once and for all.

He quickly put his phone back in his pocket.

_Done_.

“I swear to _hell_ , Hux, this one right here might as well cost a hundred pounds. It’s so good!”

Phasma said as they approached their table. Hux was looking at his glass like it had slime inside of it instead of alcohol.

“What did you buy him?” Ben asked her as she put his beer down.

He was always careful with his alcohol consumption, especially when he had to take his medicine. So, he figured a beer this time would be okay.

“They say two shots of that and you’re out, my friend.” His friend pointed at Hux’s glass.

“I think you’re just taking the piss out of me right now.” The ginger-head was lifting the drink, examining it.

“Would never do that, mate.”

Hux gulped down the shot without any more thoughts and he quickly put the glass down as if it was made of fire.

His face _also_ looked like he just swallowed a ball of fire.

“ _Fucking wanker_!”

Phasma tossed her head, cackling as Hux entire self was physically in pain. Ben could no longer distinguish his hair from his face.

Ben’s hand actually went to cover his own mouth.

“Jesus Christ, I think I just drunk fucking fuel. _Fuck_.” He said as he drank the glass of water they had also brought.

“Phasma, I think that might’ve just cured him from his heartbreak.” Ben said, taking a sip of his beer.

Phasma laughed as Hux said, “Oh, definitely. That might have just emotionally hurt me ten thousand times more than Susan.”

She stared at him in disbelief, “Her name was _Susan_?”

Hux nodded, frowning. “Yeah, why?”

She shook her head as she took her drink and looked away. “Nothing.”

Ben snorted.

Phasma pointed at him, frantically. “Solo just showed signs of laughter, Hux! I told you I’m the greatest ever.”

“I didn’t laugh.”

“Close to. Still counts. I’ll take what I can get.”

Hux nodded as he rubbed his forehead. “True that.”

Ben shook his head and shrugged.

“So how is it going with you, Solo? You know, apart from your classes, your books, arranging your couches at home and stopping Hux from jumping off cliffs.” Phasma asked him.

Hux scowled at her. “I was _not_ going to jump of a cliff.”

She rolled her eyes. “It’s an expression.”

“How is that an– okay, whatever.” Hux stopped and just kept drinking his water.

He shook his head at his friends, yet again. “Nothing much, really. What you said.”

_I made a new friend. She’s ten years younger than all of us._

He mentally told himself to shut it.

She sighed. “Okay. I’m not even going to ask about dates or girlfriends since that’s just downright _preposterous_ , right?”

He nodded in agreement. “You got that right.”

“What about you? Got dates or girlfriends?” Hux asked her.

Phasma smiled. “Of course, I’m not a loser like you two. Just kidding. But not kidding. I started seeing a woman from my church reunions.”

Hux’s eyes went wide. “From your _what_?”

Phasma laughed out loud again.

Hux shook his head. “You’re impossible.”

“I’m kidding, obviously. A friend introduced me to her a few months ago and we hit it off. We’ve been dating for a month now and things are going pretty well. Her name is Korr.” She said, smiling again.

Ben knew that smile. His friend was truly happy.

“That’s great, Phas.” Ben said as he offered her his hand. They high fived.

“Yeah, it is.” Hux high fived her too. “You’ll have to bring her too one day so you can boast about it properly.”

“Oh, you can count on that, my friend.”

* * *

They had spent the next hours talking and drinking at the bar.

Phasma was doing well at her job, with her clinic; so was Hux and so was Ben. No problems there, it seemed. They were all still living in their own apartments and money wasn’t really too much of an issue. That was a relief for the three of them.

His Nottingham-based friend told them more about her girlfriend and how much they both loved dogs, blue dresses, pistachio ice cream and science fiction movies.

“Just wait for me for a year and maybe I’ll tell you she’s my soulmate.” She had said.

Ben had wanted to say “soulmates” didn’t exist, but just bit his tongue.

They had ordered a few more drinks and Phasma had drunk the same “fuel” Hux had before.

She had grimaced for a few seconds and then went on with her business.

Hux’s jaw had almost hit the ground as she had guffawed at his expression.

Ben also ordered a few more beers.

Maybe a bit too many.

Because he had started to feel his head and just his entire body in general a bit too loose.

“Solo.” Phasma had whispered at him suddenly as she nudged him with her elbow. “There’s a not-blonde-like me pretty girl who has been painfully staring at you for the last twenty minutes as if she would climb you like a tree without hesitation.”

Ben frowned and turned around on his seat without any bit of subtlety.

He could hear Phasma face-palming herself as he looked around.

He spotted the woman by the bar who smiled at him as their gazes met.

She was, indeed, blonde.

He turned back to his friend.

Phasma blinked at him.

“What?” He asked.

She shook her head at him. “I’m clearly at fault here. I don’t learn my lesson.”

He wasn’t too sure what she had meant by that but just shrugged it off.

“Do you think that girl likes lawyers?” Hux asked.

A few beers more and Ben was officially self-pronounced as dizzy.

Phasma and Hux were singing ABBA next to him, so that was another level he wasn’t going to reach. Not like he knew any ABBA songs but, once again, cultural reference.

_What was it with people and bursting into songs every time they were drunk?_ He thought.

They just kept repeating the phrase “gimme, gimme a man after midnight.” Ironically.

His mind instantly flew to Rey the other day and her singing spree.

She definitely had had more coordination and lyric comprehension than his two friends right there.

Come again, she was Rey.

He actually snorted as he remembered her crazy dancing too, from that night, and the goddamn pirate joke she kept on repeating.

He also thought about the Battenberg cake she had given him that next Monday. It had been delicious.

Now that he thought about it, the joke was actually, really funny.

Ben extended his arm towards Phasma as he shook her shoulder to call for her.

“Phas.” He slurred.

“Yeah?” She asked as Hux put his head on her other shoulder.

Ben looked at his friends. “What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday?”

She grinned. “What did he say?”

“Aye ‘maighty.”

Both Phasma and Hux _burst_ into scandalous laughter as he covered his mouth with his hand.

They had laughed at Rey’s bad joke.

Ben took his phone out of his pocket. The deed took him longer than usual, for reasons.

_I have to tell Rey they laughed at her joke. I wonder if she likes ABBA too._

He quickly unlocked his device and went through his contact list until his actions hit him.

There weren’t any R’s on his contacts.

He didn’t have Rey’s number.

But most importantly, he had wanted to _call_ her, right now?

And to tell her and ask her _that_ out of all things?

Ben let his phone fall on the table as he looked at it like it was acid.

His friends were just stopping their laughter as Phasma said, “Solo, I can’t be-lieve you just said that!”

Neither could he.

“I think there… wa-as some clown juice in his beer!” Hux said as Phasma grinned at him.

They stared humming clown music and Ben couldn’t help but feel too identified with it.

The three friends left the bar at almost three AM. More sobered up Phasma and Hux were going to his apartment since she had crashed there for the night, while Ben went his separate way home.

“Text the word “Alive” as soon as you get there.” He had told his friends and they expected him to do the same.

He had collapsed on his bed right after sending the text and receiving theirs.

* * *

Ben didn’t have classes until late in the afternoon so he had been able to sleep past seven AM. He felt gratitude towards somebody above when he woke up without a headache that next morning.

His hungover episodes were odd. At times he would literally feel like complete shit _all_ day. But mostly he would be okay. As if nothing had happened the night before.

Thanks to him feeling okay, he had accompanied Phasma all morning for some shopping in downtown London. The woman loved shopping there, one of the few things she liked about the city. They had later grabbed lunch at a restaurant nearby.

She had bought him a beanie as a joke.

“There’s a big chance I will never wear that, you know.” Ben said truthfully as he pointed at the yellow bag sitting by his feet.

“I know. You just can’t help but let those raven locks out in the open.” She said as she motioned towards his black hair.

Ben shrugged and they kept on eating and talking about Phasma’s new dog.

She was going to visit some friends in Chelsea before going back to Nottingham so they said their goodbyes before Ben left to college.

“Solo. Don’t worry too much, okay?” She had said to him before they parted ways.

He nodded. He wasn’t too sure if her friend was referring to something in particular or just a general advice for his life.

Still, he took it.

* * *

That next Friday, Ben was at the bookshop in the afternoon, reading one of the new books he bought two days ago.

As he flipped to the next page, he realized a sex scene was coming up.

Ben usually didn’t mind reading those in public, especially if the thing wasn’t really explicit. This one definitely wasn’t. However, as he shifted on the couch in the bookshop, he didn’t feel as comfortable as he might have thought, getting to the last lines.

_Her tanned legs wrapped around his pale back as the room felt warmer by the passing minutes. His hands and lips roamed through every single part of her exposed skin for his dark eyes only. Her dark hair sprawled all over._

_They had wanted to do this for so long._

_The feeling was carved in the way they both held each other so tightly, and in the way she didn’t care her cracked voice would yell out the name of the man she had adored, the minute he had disagreed with her on one of the believes she had always held on to the most._

_Because she questioned him too._

_She moaned against his shoulder as he thrusted harder, making her whimper in–_

Especially when Rey suddenly appeared by the door.

The bell jingled.

He closed the book like it had just cursed him and put it away.

_Why did you–_

“Professor Solo! Hey!” He heard Rey calling as soon as she stepped foot inside. She was putting away her headphones inside her bag.

Ben turned to look at her and waved. Awkwardly, for some reason. “Hey.”

“I was surprised you didn’t come yesterday.” She said as she placed her bag behind the counter, like sometimes she would do.

_Well, me too, when I had intended to call you that night. That had certainly surprised me._

“Poe wanted to ask you something about a Non-fiction book he found in the shelves.”

Ben wasn’t exactly too fond of smiley-friendly-Poe the few times he had met him, but he could always answer something about a book. “He’s coming today?”

“Nope. Said his ex-girlfriend called him up for something important. Wouldn’t tell me more than that.” She shrugged.

Ben frowned, confused. “Ex-girlfriend…”

Rey gave a soft smile, nodding. “Right. I was confused too for a moment. He realized right after they broke up.”

“Oh. I see.” He nodded.

He saw as Rey started walking towards him. “Also, I had wanted to show you this book I found in the backroom.” Her hands were on her face as she said, “I took it home to clean it, though, and forgot to bring it.”

Without thinking, Ben just blurted out, “I was out with Phasma yesterday.”

After the words had left his mouth was when he realized, and looked up at Rey who was now standing in front of him.

She blinked. “Phasma?”

He shook his head. “Sorry. She’s a friend of mine.”

_Rey doesn’t know Phasma, you can’t just say names like that._

She nodded. “Oh.” A pause. “Did you have fun?”

He nodded too. “I did, yes.”

She was probably taken aback at him speaking about what he had been up to. He rarely ever did that.

Just like when he mentioned her grandma.

He kept talking. “She doesn’t live here in London. Came to visit for a few. We went out the other night too with another friend of ours.”

For some reason now, words just started spilling out of him.

“We’re pretty much her family. Her grandmother died five years ago. His parents hadn’t contacted her in a long time.” He blinked several times. “Despite all of those things, she has managed to go on and live the life she decided for herself. She seems to also have found someone good for her, someone who she’s sure will be there for her.”

Ben found himself talking about his closest friend to Rey.

And she was listening.

“She did? That’s really great.”

He could see the honesty in Rey’s eyes as he went on.

“It is.”

Rey grinned, amused, suddenly. “Ha! Who would’ve thought? Professor Solo going out to get some booze with his friends just a few days after I did.”

He shook his head. “It wasn’t timed on purpose, I promise.”

She laughed as she sat on the opposite couch. “You had never mentioned them to me. What are their names again? Phasma and the other friend?”

“Phasma and Hux.” He told her. “Well, Hux is his last name. He threatened to get me deported like twelve years ago if I ever dared say his actual name out loud.”

That caused another wave of laughter from Rey. “Oh my God.” She covered her mouth with her hands. “He actually _said_ it like that?”

“He did. He has no filter. I didn’t know him too well back then but the… seriousness in his tone made me question things.” He said remembering Hux’s I-am-all-business demeanor.

She grinned and then her mouth was an O. “Twelve years, wow! You’ve been friends for a long time.”

“I’ve known Phasma for longer, though.” He looked up at the ceiling, remembering. “We met when we were fourteen. Sixteen years ago.”

“ _Sixteen_! Wow, I was four–”

Rey’s words slowly died in her mouth as she suddenly looked away from him.

Ben’s eyes were on her now.

He had definitely heard her.

A few seconds passed until she spoke again, interested, “And what did the friends do?”

He shrugged. “Talking, drinking.” He scratched his chin. “We don’t move as much as we used to, really.”

Rey snorted loudly at that. “Oh, come _on_! You’re making it sound like you’re all of age!”

“I certainly don’t do the same things as people like you, Rey.” He said as he grabbed his book back to put it in his bag.

_Why is the zipper being problematic now?_

“People like me?”

Ben looked up at her tone.

She was slightly frowning and her smile was absent now.

He gestured with his hand, like it was obvious. “You know, you, young people, kids.”

He finished packing his book and his gaze fell on Rey again.

The frown on her face hadn’t gone away.

In fact, she looked upset.

_Fuck_ , did he just–

_Did I just say that?_

Rey quickly stood up and made her way towards behind the counter.

He followed her with his gaze. He was well aware of his eyes doing so, as she opened a small notebook and started writing in it.

“If there’s anything you’d like to buy or ask for, Mike is right outside.”

It was then when Ben realized Rey’s shift didn’t start until two hours later.

He also realized he knew most of her working schedule by now.

She grabbed her bag from the floor, her keychain jingling as she did so, and left the library as fast as she had arrived.


	9. nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! Chapter 9 here.
> 
> As always, thank you sooo much for reading, leaving kudos and comments! It means a lot seeing you liking the story so far ❤️  
> Dear Ben screwed up last chapter, haha. It happens. Right. 😉

Ben sat down on his couch and stared ahead. Head resting above his clasped hands on top of his knees, as his foot tapped against the floor.

Several were the minutes that passed as he was replaying his latest encounter with Rey in his mind.

_“I certainly don’t do the same things like people like you, Rey.”_

_“People like me?”_

_“You know, you, young people, kids.”_

Ben had done it. He thought.

He had actually managed to maintain a month-old friendship without screwing it up by saying some dumb shit.

_“Hey, don’t you think you’re talking too much and too loudly?”_

_“I’m not really into clubbing.”_

_“I’m sorry I’m staring I just don’t know what you want me to say.”_

_“…”_

_“You know, you, young people, kids.”_

He had said the latter this time.

Why had he even said that? He certainly didn’t think of Rey as a kid. She had proved to be more mature than a lot of the thirty-year-old or older people Ben knew from work or had seen in other places.

She most definitely wasn’t eager to badmouth her classmates because one of them got divorced twice. Or, like, whine nonstop about the death of a character who had _actually_ already completed their arc!

She had an eager mind, she analyzed, she discussed, she expressed, she was straightforward as far as he could tell, she had her own ideals and beliefs, she didn’t change them because of someone else, unless she considered it rightly so, she had ambitions and she was actively making use of her own abilities.

She probably had lived and endured life more than most people had at his age. She had to in order to survive, literally.

So why the _fuck_ had he said that?!

It had happened so fast, though. The words had just left his mouth as if he had spat them.

Ben felt his stomach twisting.

She really seemed upset.

_Well, what did you expect? Nobody likes being called a kid._

Especially by a friend. And an older one at that.

He had made his friend upset.

Ben felt for a moment that maybe he had been overreacting, maybe she wasn’t too upset, it’s not like he had told her that she was a fool or something like that. But then took it back.

_Who are you to say what should or should not offend someone?_

For all he knew, being told she was a child was probably one of the things Rey hated the most.

His head fell on his hands and he groaned loudly.

He hated this. He hated the thought of Rey being upset at him, even if maybe it wasn’t actually that big of a deal.

But most of all, he realized, he hated the fact that she was upset, in general, even if it was just a little, and it had been his fault.

The last time he had made one of his friends upset, Phasma and Hux, had been a few years ago when he had forgotten Hux’s birthday. In his defense, he had had a very bad fight with his father over the phone just the night before.

After that, they knew him too much to know he didn’t mean wrong.

At least most of the time.

He had also made Rey upset when the whole situation with the painting happened. Even if it hadn’t been intentionally and they didn’t know each other back then.

But he did now, and even if they had cleared it up, the thought of it wasn’t a pleasant one at all.

Ben took a deep breath.

He suddenly stood up from his couch, letting his legs guide him to his bedroom, ignoring the well-known churning in the pit of his stomach. Opening the door, he went straight to his desk and grabbed a pen and a piece of paper from it.

The ink spilled a little on his hand as he opened the cap.

* * *

On Saturday afternoon, his father called. Ben had picked up the second time it rang.

They greeted each other and talked for some minutes.

“Your mother took me to a vegetarian convention yesterday.” Han shared. “Those were one of the worst ten minutes of my life.”

“I’m sure the vegetarians are glad, dad.” Ben said as he put down his glass of water.

“They probably are.”

“Is mom a vegetarian now?”

“She’s trying. So far, she’s been succeeding. I’ve always known that woman has more strength than ten Cessna Citations X+.”

“I have no idea what type of plane that is.”

“Top speed of 717 mph or 1153 km/h. Son, if she owned that, she would crash by yours every day.”

“Okay, don’t ever tell her that thing exists.”

“Roger that.”

Han told him to take care of himself.

Ben said he would.

Then he said it back.

Han also said he would.

Then they hung up and Ben went to keep writing.

* * *

He slept late that next night.

He still set his alarm.

* * *

Ben looked around as he stood outside.

He felt stupid but not as stupid as he had felt right after talking to Rey that last time in the bookshop. So that meant he could endure it.

He waited as he looked at his shoes.

The sun was up all in its glory that morning after days of cloudy skies and heavy drizzle.

It also wasn’t as cold as other times.

It was almost too ironic for Ben to take it.

He craned his neck when he noticed somebody walking towards his direction at a far distance.

He waited.

They got closer.

It was just a tall blonde-haired boy with his dog.

Ben sighed.

_Where are you?_

And right behind them was Rey.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

The grip on the envelope he was carrying behind his back tightened as he watched Rey approaching his spot. She had her hair down this time, a book in her hands and seemed to have all her full attention in it, her eyes roaming all over it.

“Be careful, you’re going to crash into something.” He muttered as he saw her advancing.

The boy and the dog were walking way slower than Rey, literally, and Ben could almost feel the imminent moment when she was going to end up bumping into the blonde boy’s back. Almost like those cheesy moments in romance (or thriller) books and movies when the girl and the boy would accidentally crash into one another, preferably one of them would be holding a book, and then they would meet in the floor, grab their things, he would grab _her_ things to help, then look into each other’s eyes, fall in love and end up getting married, or at least having some sort of unconventional proposal at some casual place with a ring included.

And a dog, owned by the boy, being the one carrying said ring.

Ben felt his stomach twisting.

Rey kept making her way, her eyes still on her book, when suddenly, almost as in slow-motion for Ben, she dodged the boy and his dog and walked right passed them.

The boy pulled out a phone from his pocket and just went on with his pet.

Well, it seemed Rey wasn’t going to get her book meet-cute that day.

He followed her with his eyes until she was near him enough to notice the book she had been reading was one from his list.

It was a poem book.

Seriously, the irony of it all was going to kill him.

Rey’s gaze lifted up and met his.

_Stop gripping the fucking envelope._

“Wha–?”

“Rey!”

_Where is Phasma to facepalm herself when she can?_

He let out her name as if he had been holding it in his tongue for hours and had just been able to speak.

This was starting good.

She blinked, also surprised at his outburst. “Yes?”

_Fuck it, go straight to the point, Ben._

“I’m sorry.”

She looked at him. She wasn’t smiling.

“What for?”

He cleared his throat. “The other day. I– I’m stupid.” He said, matter-of-factly.

_No doubt of that._

“Okay–”

“I shouldn’t have said that.” He interrupted and shook his head. “I don’t think you’re a kid. I don’t even know why I said it, to be honest.”

She nodded. “Okay.”

Her face remained expressionless.

He sighed. “In fact, as I’m perfectly recalling right now, what I said might not be hundred percent true.” He scratched the back of his neck with his free hand. He looked away. “My friends. My thirty-year-old friends. They sang all night while they were drunk. Badly. Very, very bad singing. We weren’t even at a karaoke like you were. Also, I think you have way better lyric comprehension than they do, actually.”

Worst of all, they both liked hard rock. So the headache was unavoidable.

“What did they sing?” She asked.

He looked down at her, unsure. “Mostly ABBA. And Van Halen.”

She huffed. “ _That_ is some combination.”

He nodded.

“I bet that gave you a headache.”

“It did.”

Rey’s lips curled up a bit.

Ben cleared his throat, again. Did he need some water? “My point is–” He shook his head as he pursed his lip. “I was wrong for saying that and I didn’t mean it. Then. I do mean it now. What I’m saying.”

Rey looked at him.

He suddenly felt as if he had a flesh-eating bug on his face.

“Did you know who Van Halen were?” She suddenly asked, narrowing her eyes at him.

“Yes, my–” _My dad liked them._ “I’m familiar with it.” He said instead.

She nodded. “Because you just mentioned two music groups in one sentence and you don’t listen to music.” She then added, “Unless cultural reference is involved.”

“No. I do know those two because of my friends.” He clarified.

Rey nodded again.

They stared at each other.

Rey’s eyes looked way much brighter than usual when the sunlight hit them. He was sure his were always the same shade of, basically, dark brown. Not like he really cared now.

She sighed and looked down at the now closed book in her hands. “I’m sorry I left like that the other day. But being called a kid, it’s just–”

Ben shook his head, frantically. “You don’t have to explain yourself. I get it.”

Rey’s eyes flew to meet his. “You do?” Her tone incredulous.

He nodded, frowning. “Of course I do. Nobody likes being called that. Especially when you clearly aren’t one.”

She blinked.

“Right.”

“Right.” He nodded again.

Rey opened her mouth but then looked at the bookshop. “Want to get in?” She held up her book. “I was just finishing this and I _swear_ , Professor, one of them is just not clicking to me.” She shook her head.

Ben looked at the book. “One of the poems?”

“Yep. I need to hear your thoughts ASAP.” She said to him while nodding frantically.

He examined her face with his eyes, silently. She looked as always, again. Maybe he was forgiven.

He could take that.

“Sure. Let’s go.”

Rey smiled. “Okay.”

Ben followed Rey as she entered the bookshop.

He folded his envelope and put it in his back pocket as he went inside too.

* * *

Calling Rey “a kid” had definitely been a mistake.

But doing so just a few days before her twenty-first birthday might have been even worse for timing.

Again, that hadn’t been intentional.

Ben had gone early to the bookshop as he held the envelope in his hands.

Rey was by the counter and she had a little bag with balloons on top of it. A small container with what looked like cake inside stood next to it, with a small colorful birthday hat.

_Right, no doubt it was her day._

She had her head down and Ben could tell she was drawing in her notebook.

Probably for a class or something, he knew she had to go to college in the afternoon.

And, as he predicted, Finn and Rose showed up in his line of vision, both wearing birthday hats of their own.

Rey looked up at her friends and smiled.

Ben stayed in his place as he watched them.

The two friends were both handing her a new bag. Like everything else that was on that counter, colorful, and some blue tissue paper coming out of it.

Rey walked over to them and grabbed her bag as they were chanting her name like she was about to score the winning goal for her team. She liked soccer (“ _it’s football_!”) so he used that reference in his mind.

She opened it and pulled out a black phone case with the picture of a rocket ship on the back.

“Guys! It’s so _cool_!” She said as she held it in her hands and beamed at it. “I really, really needed a new one! And the rocket ship!” She laughed as she admired at the cartoon ship. She looked up at them, behind her eyelashes. “If it glows in the dark, I’ll lose it.”

They were so close to the door and talking so loudly it was almost impossible not to hear and understand them clearly.

“It does!” The replied at the same time.

“Great!” She grinned at her friends.

Ben looked down at the small envelope.

_Oh, well._

She grabbed both Finn and Rose’s hands in her own as she smiled fondly at them. “Thank you guys so much.”

“You’re welcome, love.” Rose said as Finn swung their joined hands.

Rey grinned again as they eventually let go of each other. “You guys really need to get going.”

Finn frowned as he shook his head. “I can’t believe we _both_ have classes on the morning of your birthday.”

“I know, but we’ll see each other later.” Rey offered.

“We’ve gotta get some cake, Rey! You can’t deprive us of tasting Maz’s works of art.” Rose pointed at her.

“No need to worry. You’ll get that cake, I promise.”

“Right. But it’s for you, silly, above everybody else. Don’t forget it.” Rose pointed even harder at Rey.

He could see the taller girl friend rolling her eyes, but still smiling. “Yes. I know. Never forgetting that.”

“Okay.” Rose seemed satisfied.

Ben barely had any time to step aside, while almost tripping on his feet in the process, as both Finn and Rose were suddenly out of the bookshop.

Barely, that was correct, because they had managed to see him standing there.

Like a dumbass.

“Professor Solo?”

They both asked him at the same time.

_I have to turn around, right? Like, that’s something I actually have to do now._

Ben shut his eyes tightly, opened them and turned around as he put the envelope in his back pocket.

He looked at them.

They looked at him.

“Finn, Rose.” He nodded as if this was one of his classes.

Like a dumbass, again.

“Hey.” The boy said faintly.

Rose looked at both of them simultaneously. Him and Finn, obviously.

She tugged on Finn’s sleeve.

“Let’s go. We have class.” She muttered loud enough for Ben to hear.

Finn’s confused face was all he responded to her.

Rose tugged harder.

“We have class.” She insisted, louder this time.

Finn looked at her, almost dumbfounded.

And then Rose _dragged_ him out.

Ben’s eyes widened at the scene unfolding in front of his eyes as Rose took hold of Finn’s jacket sleeve and they both, or more like _she_ , started walking away from the bookshop and from him.

Ben blinked several times until the figures of both his students, and their birthday hats, were completely out of sight.

Well, it seemed Rose Tico was punctual to all her classes, not only his.

He turned around back to the bookshop.

Rey was still by the counter, continuing with her drawing.

Ben gulped down.

_Get inside, it’s just Rey._

It would still amaze him how she had become “just Rey” in his life. Not in the sense of her having small significance or something like that, but as someone who he was accustomed to.

Someone he was comfortable with.

He saw her smiling down at her work.

Ben tapped on the door. That was his first time doing so.

It was, after all, a public shop.

Rey looked up from whatever she was doing and instantly locked eyes with Ben through the window.

He saw her eyes widened and then she waved at him to come in, while moving around her things on the counter.

He nodded and went inside the shop.

“Good morning, Professor.” She smiled at him as he approached where she was.

Ben noticed her hands resting on top of her closed notebook.

He cleared his throat.

_Be cool, be cool, be cool._

“Happy birthday.” He blurted out.

Rey was looking wide-eyed again as the words had left his mouth.

_Wait, wait, wait, wait. No! She probably doesn’t know that you know–_

“How did you know?” She gaped at him, genuine confusion in her whole face.

_Well, if I hadn’t known previously, I would’ve by now since you and your friends were so loud, they probably heard you all the way to the bus stop at like four hundred yards away._

So, Ben confessed.

“Wait. Don’t freak out. I know you never told me. I’m not a weirdo, I swear.” He shook his arms frantically and then stopped when he realized how stupid he must’ve looked. “Sorry. I meant to say, I accidentally heard you and your boss talking about it a few days ago while you were arranging the bookmarks.” He explained.

Rey frowned.

Ben continued, already feeling some heat creeping into his neck. “When he asked you about what book you would like to take as a gift.”

Damn it, he was feeling embarrassed.

_Rey, please–_

“Oh, right! Right, right, right.” She said out loud as she pointed frantically. “I remember. Wow, I had no idea you had heard us.”

“Well, he doesn’t usually speak in quiet tones.” Ben remembered the times Poe had had to shut himself up on a same day because he would, sometimes, forget he was in a literal library. And one that _he_ owned, on top of everything.

“Solid point.” She nodded.

Ben nodded.

Rey smiled. “Anyway, thank you.”

He motioned towards the gifts. “I assume those are yours.”

“Mine indeed.” She pointed at the container and the bag with balloons. “These are from Maz. She knows I love cake and pink balloons. There’s a collection car inside.” She then pointed at the one he had seen Finn and Rose give to her. “This cool phone case is from Rose and Finn. Actually, they were just here like… a few minutes after you arrived.”

He nodded and cleared his throat. “We met outside.”

She smiled and nodded.

“Poe already gave me the book yesterday. It’s a graphic novel. I’ll lend it to you as soon as I’m done with it.”

Ben frowned, remembering. “I think I’ve only read like one graphic novel, ever.”

Rey gasped. “No, Professor. You’ve gotta read this one! Now I’ll read it even faster so you don’t waste any more time.”

He snorted and shook his head. “No way, Rey. You have to read it at your own pace. Don’t think about me. Sure, you can lend it to me when you’re finished.”

He would never ask somebody to hurry with a reading because of him. Unless, sure, they were his students who had deadlines. And Hux, that man took longer than humanly acceptable to finish books that weren’t about law and cats.

Ben looked back at Rey and noticed her suppressing a smile.

“What is it?”

She shook his head, now unable to hide her smile. “I think it’s the first time since I’ve known you that I’ve seen you come close to laughing.”

_Well, that certainly caught him off guard._

Rey’s eyes widened as she suddenly shook her head, frantically. “Sorry, sorry. Forget that I said that.”

She looked down at the cash register as she pressed some buttons.

But he had heard it.

He looked away. “It’s fine. My two friends point that out too when it happens.”

Rey looked back at him. “They do?”

He nodded, pursing his lip. “Well, can’t say that I blame them. I take it they like when I express happiness through my features. I guess that’s something good.”

She grinned. “Of course, it is!”

Ben had never been somebody who would smile a lot. Even while being genuinely, incandescently happy.

Okay, maybe at times like those he would, but it had been way too long since that had happened.

“Smiling is nice. I know _I_ tend to do it a lot. Though, it’s also okay if people don’t do it often.” Rey said. “I think it makes it even more special when it actually happens. Like it actually lights up a room.”

“Most students would disagree with you.” He said matter-of-factly. “Or other people, really. In general.”

“Well, they don’t know Professor Ben Solo like I do, in this case.”

She smiled at him. Almost like proudly.

Ben shifted in his spot.

He cleared his throat.

“I got you something.” He said as he reached for his back pocket.

Rey’s eyes went big, for the fourth time.

“For me?”

It seemed he just kept on surprising her today. He felt insecure again.

_Just give it to her._

Ben pulled out the white envelope from his pocket and proceeded to extend it to Rey.

She looked down at it and up at him.

“What is it?” She asked, curiousness all over her face.

He motioned with his chin. “Open it.”

Rey grabbed the envelope, with uncharacteristic caution, and then smiled at him. “You really, really, shouldn’t have worried.”

He waved lightly with his hand. It was okay.

She grinned down at the gift in her hands and then back at him.

“I’m going to open it.” She announced.

He nodded. “Okay.”

Rey’s hands went to the part of the envelope which had been glued together and opened it. Slowly, she reached inside and pulled out two pieces of paper.

Well, for Ben it could’ve been just two pieces of paper.

For Rey, it seemed, it was so much more than that.

“Oh my God.”

The envelope fell down as she stared at the gift she was now holding in one hand.

He looked at her gaping face.

She stayed like that for some good seconds.

“Re–”

“Oh my _God_.”

Ben closed his mouth.

Rey’s seemingly shock expression changed as she closed her mouth too, looked at him and then opened it again to say, or more like shriek, “You bought me tickets to see _Ariana Grande_?!”

Well, apparently, he had, Ben thought.

That night, almost a week ago, when he had been out his friends, he had opened a tab on his phone with the online ticket shop. It had taken him some good minutes until he had finally accepted the order.

But he had done it.

He had checked the confirmation mail a few hours later while on his third beer, the thought hitting him, but it had been done.

And Rey’s following reaction, he soon found out, made it totally worth it.

“Oh my God! Oh my God, I can’t believe it!” She screamed against her hand as she bounced on her feet, staring at the two black colored tickets. “I had never ever seen her before! I was aware there were some tickets left since the concert is in a few days, but I didn’t even think about buy– oh my God!”

She shrieked in happiness.

In that moment, he felt it.

He actually felt that uncontrollable twitching at the corners of his mouth.

He wanted to.

Until Rey stopped bouncing.

Her hand dropped.

“I can’t accept this.” She suddenly said, shaking her head.

She looked at him.

“What?” Ben immediately asked, dumbfounded.

“This.” She looked at the tickets. “It’s _too_ much, I couldn’t possibly–”

Oh, he knew where this was going. Phasma had done it to him before. In completely different and totally unrelated situations, but a similar reaction nonetheless.

“No. Rey. It’s fine. Just take them.” He said, waving her off.

“But–”

Sure, the tickets hadn’t been exactly what you would consider _cheap_ , but the truth was that money wasn’t really an issue for him, so the pounds that left his back account didn’t really affect him. At all. In fact, it had been a while since he had wasted cash on anybody else but himself. And it was a birthday present.

He had only bought really lame birthday presents for Phasma and Hux in the past years, because he never knew what to get them, and sometimes he would send some English souvenirs for his parents that they claimed they loved.

However, the look on Rey’s face made him quickly realized she wasn’t just going to brush it off.

And it also made him feel kind of weird.

_Had it been too much?_

So, he made something up on the spot.

“They were Phasma’s,” He blurted out and Rey looked at him again, “but she won’t be able to go, at the end. So, she gave them to me to sell them or something. I remembered you like that singer so I thought I would just give them to you.”

The apparent worry didn’t get erased from her face as she said eventually, “But… are you sure she’s fine with it? I mean she might’ve wanted the money back...”

Ben shook his head. “Nah.” He said as casual as he could muster. “Don’t worry. She said it was okay.”

Rey looked down at the tickets, a mix of worry and what seemed like hope in her eyes. “Are you sure?”

He nodded. “Positive.”

_Well, well, he didn’t know he had any acting abilities at all._

That was the second lie he had ever told Rey.

The first one being when he went to the bookshop right after the upsetting phone call with his mother. Right before their friendship started.

Rey looked between him and the tickets for a few seconds.

And then she beamed.

“Okay!” She said excitedly as she bounced again and admired the tickets.

_Phew._

“Thank you, thank you, thank you, so much!” She said again, her smile invading her whole face.

He nodded.

And then Rey was too close to him.

Closer than she had ever been. Even more so than when they would read from the same book for a while, at the same time.

Because her lips collided against his cheek for what felt like a split second.

And then she was back to bouncing and saying how excited she was.

Ben stared at her.

“I guess also “thank you so much” to Phasma.” She grinned at him. “We don’t know each other but she just contributed _big time_ to this awesome gift.”

“I’ll make sure to tell her.”

“Please do.” She smiled and started reading out loud the information on the ticket to him.

He listened to her retelling of all her favorite Ariana Grande songs while his mind succeeded in pushing back a thought that had come to him for just a few seconds. Almost as fast as a shooting star.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, oh man, what’s going on here, Ben?


	10. ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo, chapter 10 here!
> 
> I'm sorry it took me two weeks to post this one. Last week was a really hard one for me regarding personal matters, but things are better now ❤️
> 
> We're all pretty much in quarantine all around the world at the moment, so reading and writing about our favorite space wizards is a good distraction ❤️ Take care everybody!
> 
> Ben apologized to Rey last chapter and gave her a really special birthday gift 😉
> 
> Thank you so, so much for all the love and enjoy!

Ben left the bookshop feeling his cheeks warmer than they should probably be.

_I really just can’t seem to shut up these days, now, can I?_

_Just forget about it, it’s not a big deal._

After giving her the gift, he had stayed for a while discussing the recent poem book she had read, while Rey would have spontaneously outbursts of happiness because of her tickets and telling Ben how she just couldn’t wait to tell Rose they were going to see Ariana Grande, and about Maz’s birthday cakes.

It was still difficult for Ben to forget about Maz and Rey’s Battenberg cake. It just had been something else.

“She _loves_ baking so much, it would’ve been a crime if she didn’t end up opening her own bakery. It’s near our house.” Rey told him. “I usually don’t do much on the day of my actual birthday, especially since exams week is always nearby and I take every free time I have to study. But she _has_ to bake, she says. Finn and Rose also always crash even if it’s for just an hour to eat with us and joke about how _old_ I am getting, even though I was born, like, only five months before Rose, and Finn is just one year older than us.”

“They usually take me out to eat some other day after. And they always get the people at the restaurants to sing to me, which I don’t understand how they manage since you can only get the workers to do it on the actual _day_ of your birthday.” She frowned in confusion. “Anyway, they do it because it’s, like, one of the few things that _actually_ makes me cringe real bad, so they enjoy it.”

Rey winced. “I feel like I’m making them sound like assholes, I swear they’re good people.”

Ben understood. Phasma loved making fun of both him and Hux.

And after that, he had to open his mouth.

He remembered when he was high school, in one of those books from English class where they taught you about other English-speaking countries, reading about some British tradition that consisted in giving “humps” to the birthday person.

So he asked her about it.

Rey chocked. “ _Humps_?”

“You know, like,” He could feel how his cheeks were starting to act up, “it said there that the other people at the party or somewhere, would grab the birthday person by their arms and legs and start giving them… _humps_ or something like that. Fuck.” He shook his head while his hand flew to his face.

On top of it, he had cursed.

And Rey laughed.

And laughed.

Until she was as red as the flannel shirt she was wearing at the moment and trying to catch her breath.

And Ben’s face was covered with his hand, still shaking his head in disbelief at himself.

“I’m sorry! Oh my God, I’m sorry! Yes, yes, I know what you’re talking about.” She said in between laughs and tears in her eyes. “There’s that tradition and that’s what it’s called.”

He dropped his hand and stared at her.

She looked up at him. “Oh my God. Okay. Okay. Okay. I’m calmed now, I promise.” She said and as soon as the word “promise” left her mouth, another fit of laughter followed right after. “I’m sorry!”

He pursed his lip and looked away.

However, he hadn’t felt annoyed.

Like at all.

Embarrassed? Yes.

“Ah! Jesus! Sorry, okay, enough!” She told him and herself, making a dramatic movement with her hand. She grinned as she regained control. “Sorry, it’s just that I hadn’t heard about that in _so_ long and I really tend to forget us Brits use the word “hump” for lifting and carrying things too since I don’t really use it.”

She giggled and continued.

“So, hearing you saying it sounded way funnier, I’m sorry.”

He cleared his throat as he muttered loud enough. “It’s okay. I just said that out of nowhere.”

She smiled. “It’s okay that you ask. In fact, Rose and I tried to do it to Finn one time when he turned eighteen, and guess what.”

He looked at her, red cheeks. “What?”

“We did it perfectly!” She laughed. “You’ll be surprised by how strong Rose is!”

Ben completely pushed away the sexual connotations that had been previously brought up as he heard Rey then.

However, as he was walking away from the bookshop after saying goodbye to Rey, he remembered and got all flushed again.

_Why are you like this? You’re a thirty-year-old man, for crying out loud, why are you getting all flustered about an accidental sexual innuendo?_

Rey had giggled again, because apparently his embarrassment had been shown on the outside as cleared as he had felt it as she muttered, “God. How cute.”

He heard it.

After changing the subject, Rey had promised she would get some of her birthday cake for him.

Ben didn’t even try to hide his gratitude.

He shook his head as he closed his apartment door and went to take a shower.

* * *

“I’m one hundred percent sure Molly would beat Penelope in a fight.”

“Penelope waited twenty years for her slow-ass husband, she can take anything.”

“What’s she gonna do with that? Make Molly die of boredom?”

The class was over and Ben listened as some of his students left the room discussing who would beat the other in a fight, James Joyce’s Molly or Homer’s Penelope, for some reason. Something in the prior class explanation had made them have that thought, apparently.

_Well_ , at least they were engaging in some type of discourse… he thought to himself.

He stared at the back of the two students until they left.

Ben shook his head and grabbed one of the folders from his pile.

Exams were coming up and he had to prepare the ones for his classes.

He sighed. For him, that was as stressful as answering them.

Grabbing a pen, he started writing down all the topics that were coming to his mind that he could include in the written exam before he could forget later. Ben always tried to be as organized as possible, keeping all the material he would dictate in class in case something happened, but that still wouldn’t stop him from making even more backup.

He remembered Phasma’s colored coded system to organize things. She had been the one to introduce him to the wonders of colored post-its. He would use them for work, mostly, but also for his personal readings.

Recently, to separate books that he would later lend to Rey.

He had already lent her some from the college library and even one of his own that he hadn’t found anywhere else and hadn’t added on the growing list, and she would always return them save and sound.

When he definitely wouldn’t trust someone to have his books, he trusted Rey.

Ben wasn’t too sure of the power of thinking about someone or something would make _said_ someone or something suddenly materialize in front of him.

But he was starting to doubt now, because the _someone_ he had just been thinking of was there. In his classroom.

Rey.

Ben was wide-eyed as he stared at a smiling Rey, standing in front of his desk, holding something behind her back.

Her hair was in just one bun that day, like she had done it in a hurry. Still, she looked nice.

Ben cleared his throat.

He looked past her for a moment to see, at least, four students still hanging by the class but too engaged in their own things to even care about giving a look at their grumpy professor and his new visitor.

Then he said, looking up at her, “Rey.”

She grinned. “Professor.”

“What brings you here?” He frowned slightly, confused as he remembered, “Finn and Rose are not in this class.”

He definitely had seen Finn and Rose a few days after Rey’s birthday encounter outside the shop. As always, they didn’t seem to act any different with him or give him odd looks or something along those lines that Ben couldn’t help but imagine previously.

He had also seen Rey again at the bookshop. She told him they had done exactly what she said they would for her birthday: cake at her house with Maz and the two of her friends. As she had promised, she had brought him a piece of the red velvet cake Maz had done for her. She had made Ben try it right there and laughed at the hopeless expression of defeat in his face as he tasted the _ridiculously_ good dessert Rey had given him.

“I’m taking you to Maz’s shop one day! You just can’t go on not trying all of her pastries.”

Ben had silently accepted her offer, no longer feeling too much fear regarding the woman.

They hadn’t “taken” one another anywhere yet, but he was definitely down for that one.

Rey had also gone to the concert with Rose as she said she would.

Needless to say, Ben had never seen somebody smile at him (not like it was directed _to_ him, but still) that much in his entire life as she retold everything that had happened and how “beautiful, stunning, wicked, absolute queen, brilliant” her favorite pop singer had been live.

“I was gobsmacked.” She had said, her eyes dreamy. “It’s amazing how she didn’t even look real being there in person! I swear, famous people come from the stars. Oh _God_ , and her singing? It was madness!”

“Look at all the pictures I took!” She had quickly left the counter to stand next to him and showed him her phone. She looked at him as she explained. “My camera is not _that_ bad, but I swear she would look good even if I had taken them with a potato.” Her finger started sliding across the screen as more pictures popped.

Ben noticed there was a video of Rey, he had caught her face in between all the lights, probably filmed by Rose, but she skipped it.

He hadn’t understood most of what she had meant but he had to admit to himself he felt really glad to see Rey excited and happy like that.

And part of him knew that it was partially because _he_ had contributed to make that possible. For a moment, he almost felt like telling her it had actually been him who bought the tickets and that Phasma probably didn’t even know who Ariana Grande was.

He had shrugged off the thought. He always liked seeing his friends happy, even if he wouldn’t say it out loud.

“Yeah, I know Finn and Rose aren’t in this class. I came to see you.” She said now, casually, as she motioned towards him with her chin.

“How come? Is something going on?” He asked, suddenly alert. Rey dropping by one of his class definitely wasn’t _a_ thing, them meeting in college really, so he instantly wondered.

She shook her hand. “No, no. Everything’s okay. I just got out of a class nearby and thought I would drop by.” She pointed at the door with the same hand that wasn’t behind her back.

Ben nodded, slowly. “Okay.”

The remaining students left the class as some of them looked back at Rey and Ben.

He could swear they gave them odd looks.

It was definitely not weird to see a student talking to a professor period, but seeing a student seeming to willingly talk to _him_ might’ve been strange for them.

Rey didn’t seem to mind them.

She cleared her throat. “I have something for you.”

“Rey, I don’t think Maz will be always pleased to have her business products being handed free to me.” He said unsure as the thought came to his mind.

She shook her head. “No, it’s not cake.” She frowned. “And, hey! She was completely okay with me giving you those. Besides, she knows you’re my friend.” Rey smirked then. “ _And_ I already told her you will be going to the bakery one day.”

He nodded. “Alright, alright.”

“And buying ten orders of Battenberg cake.”

“ _That_ I did not say.”

Rey laughed as she looked down. “Anyway, it’s nothing related to desserts.” Her eyes met his again. “You ready?”

Ben looked at her arm that was still hiding behind her back and nodded. “Okay.”

And then Rey pulled her arm in front of her body, as she tried to control the grin on her face, now to his full line of vision, and Ben’s eyes immediately went wide at the scene.

At the presented object.

It was a sword.

Ben stood up from his seat as he looked down at the seemingly handmade katana-looking sword Rey was holding in both her hands now. The round blade had a nice shade of the color blue, while the hilt had been also carefully painted to resemble shiny metal. The grey and black hilt also included a looking type of activator as to turn the weapon on and off.

It was… amazing.

“Rey… you made this?” Ben asked, his eyes glued to the sword.

“Yes. I did it. In my sculpture class.” He could hear the smile in her tone.

_Fuck_. Ben was in _awe_.

He looked up at her and pointed at the sword. “You did this with plaster?”

She nodded, smiling. “Yes.”

He gaped at her and his gaze went back to the sword.

Suddenly, a thousand thoughts came to his mind. Knights fighting with them, against one another, united with each other against a greatest and cruelest creature who could also take hold of a similar weapon.

In some other land, somewhere really far away from where they were currently placed.

“Can– may I hold it, please?” He asked her.

“Of course!” Rey took hold of the hilt with one hand and extended her arm to Ben.

Slowly, suddenly very scared to do any damage to it, even if he knew Rey would’ve made sure it was steady enough to pass it around, he grabbed it.

His hand made slight contact with Rey’s and he frowned.

“Wait. Are you cold? Was it too cold outside?” He looked out the window for a second to see the cloudy day.

Rey shrugged it off. “It’s fine. The air conditioner was just too low at the class I was just in.”

“But it’s been a while since you left the place… let me– wait a second.” Ben carefully placed the sword on top of his desk as he proceeded to crouch down, opening his bag that was hanging on the back of his chair. After roaming through some books and folders, he found what he was looking for at the bottom and pulled it out.

He extended it to Rey as he straightened himself. “Here.”

She blinked. “What?”

Ben shook the black sweater he was holding in his hand. “The sweater, take it. At least until your hands stop being cold.”

She stared back at him for a second and slowly grabbed the sweater from his hand.

“Thank you.”

Of course, Ben was currently wearing a similar one but he would always bring another, if he had enough space in his bag, in case any coffee spilling accident occurred. Especially when he had class in the morning and his eyes wouldn’t cooperate to stay fully open. It had happened enough times before to make him _that_ type of person who would bring “twos” of something.

Rey, careful, just like he was being with her sword, started putting on the sweater on top of her white shirt and black overalls, which ended up being so big on her that it almost ended where her knees were located.

Ben nodded as she gave him a little thumbs-up after successfully rolling the sleeves a bit, and his attention went back to Rey’s object.

Wow.

He lowered the weapon down to the level of his hip, holding the hilt, like he had just imagined his two-second-made-up knight doing, admiring it.

He had never seen a sword like that. It was like it had taken pieces of other types of swords, just a like a new story, and had ended up being its completely own one, living and existing on its own. He looked at the little details Rey had added, for example, like an indeed looking activator button as well as other parts that made the sword look even more three-dimensional.

Carefully and with slow pace, Ben moved around the sword, staring at the light blue blade.

Rey was grinning, looking at him. “Now, imagine if the blade glowed and it made sounds.”

And Ben did.

And he could picture it almost perfectly.

Minus the “almost” part.

It was like he could almost see it.

Rey’s creation was… magical.

He shook his head, almost in disbelief, staring at the sword. “Rey. This is amazing.”

“Thank you. I’m glad you say that, because it’s yours.”

Ben’s eyes flew to find Rey’s. He frowned. “What?”

She nodded with that smile of hers and motioned her hands towards her sword. “It’s yours. I’m giving it to you.”

He looked down at it for a second and then back at her.

“But, I don’t– why?”

She grinned now looking down at her sweater-covered hands for a second. “Well, I was really, really happy because of your birthday gift. Like, I swear, I feel like I haven’t even said enough how much I loved it, even though I know I speak too much sometimes. I even got to bring Rose along with me.” She shook her head. “So… I was in class and we had to do something, I started it a few weeks ago and well–”

She cleared her throat as Ben looked at her.

He could feel the expression he had while looking at the magical sword, mirrored the one he had on now.

She smiled at him. “I remembered how much you love science fiction and everything related to it and all the characters and scenarios you’ve told me about, so… I don’t know, I guess that came into my mind at the end and I tried to materialize it.” She pointed at the sword. “It’s like a prototype because I really imagined it glowing and making sounds but… I wanted it to show it to you like this too.”

“In its beginning.” He added.

“Yes.”

Ben felt his throat closing, he had to swallow. But in a good way.

_Wow, he wasn’t even making sense to himself._

There was absolutely not denying it, he _loved_ the present. It had been so long since he had used that word to refer to his immediate feeling towards something.

Maybe except for the book he had discovered in the bookshop that time he met Rey.

That beginning.

Ben felt a thousand thoughts coming, running and spiraling through his head. What’s new. But this time, he was feeling a little bit more in control of them. Because he was sure, and he was grateful, and thankful.

And he was happy.

Nobody had ever given him a gift like that.

Precious. He avoided that word like the fucking plague, but it was the only one that was highlighted through all the other ones dancing around in his tired and messy head.

He looked at Rey, as he could only let himself say, “Thank you so much, Rey.”

_Damn_ , he wished his voice had sounded normal to her ears.

He couldn’t possibly deny her the gift. He couldn’t do that to her, and he certainly couldn’t bring to do that to himself either.

She smiled, brightly. “You’re welcome.”

“This sword…” He started, in thought, fascinated.

Rey nodded.

“Saber?” She asked, wondering too.

Ben’s mind was running.

He knew.

So, he finished. “Lightsaber.”

She grinned in agreement.

Ben moved the lightsaber by the hilt, imagining the glow and sound Rey had talked about that its blade would produce.

He could see it, thanks to her.

He could feel it.

His eyes fell on Rey’s star shaped keychain.

Ben motioned towards it with his chin. “What’s its story?”

She looked down at her strap. “My keychain?” She pointed at it.

“Yes. I’ve wondered for a while, actually.”

She smiled down at the metal object and then back at Ben. “Not a big one, really. I bought it like ten years ago before going to Plutt’s, near the foster home. It’s been with me ever since. My first ever purchase with some pocket money.”

He nodded.

“I just really love the stars.”

He knew. Rey loved the stars.

They looked at each other until Ben’s eyes fell again to his gift.

He sighed, not caring that she would hear him.

It was worth sighing for.

“Oh, and Ben?” Rey asked.

Ben looked up.

She had a small container in her hands. “I _did_ bring you some of Maz’s biscuits….” She said a little bit sheepishly. “It’s not cake, though!”

Again.

He could feel it.

So, a little smile left his lips.

And Rey beamed at him.

* * *

Ben was at the library.

The college library.

He had needed to borrow some books from the school’s database so he had had no other choice but to stay there all morning, a few days later, and finish preparing some tests that still hadn’t been taken by his students.

He was drinking coffee at almost twelve PM but he didn’t bring himself to care about conventionalisms.

The library had been full of people, mostly students revising while the rest of his co-workers were probably swarming all over their respective faculty longue and he wasn’t too fond of the incessant movement and noise.

However, he had consulted with his Literature counterparts about some topics for the exams. He remembered the not-so-subtle shock in their faces when he had gone to them first, considering he usually (never) did that. They had also asked him some things about the approaching he was taking, and Ben had explained a little bit of the methodology he had been using this time during his classes and that wanted to integrate in these exams.

Needless to say, the talking had been very productive for all of them, at least he thought so.

Ben took a sip of his coffee as he collected the last copies he had printed out and made his way back to his usual desk.

It had been drizzling a bit outside, he noticed as he saw the wet windows.

Carefully putting all the pages inside his folder, he closed it and finally put it all away inside his bag.

He started making his way to the exit.

It was the day he didn’t have class until the afternoon so he had enough time to go home and make something for lunch. Maybe even pass by the bookshop…

_No_. Rey didn’t have a shift at the moment. And with the exams her schedule had probably moved a little bit from the usual.

It’s not like he couldn’t go without Rey being there, but he didn’t really have anything else to do and if she wasn’t going to be there…

Ben stopped in his tracks rather quickly, he swore he almost heard that car brake sound from the cartoons he watched as a kid, as he almost bumped _again_ with someone at the library entrance.

He looked down to apologize and make a run for it like the last time.

But he couldn’t.

It was Rose Tico, holding books looking confused at him.

_Shit._

Ben straightened himself as he nodded at her. “Miss Tico. I’m sorry.”

Rose nodded back in return. “Professor Solo, good afternoon. It’s okay, don’t you worry.”

“Good afternoon. Sorry.”

Rose, it seemed, didn’t seem to be too upset about her stupidly large professor almost crashing into her as she motioned with her hand towards the door. “After you.”

He nodded in gratitude as he held the door open for her. Rose thanked him and they both went out as she walked by first.

Ben closed the door behind him, adjusting his bag on his shoulder and turned around to notice Rose still by the stairs.

“You’ve been there for a while, Professor.” She motioned towards the library.

Ben nodded as he approached her and they started walking down. “Yes. I’ve been finishing some exams.” He cleared his throat. “You were also there for a long time?”

She nodded. “I was. I think I’ve spent most of my school year in there.” She looked up at him. “I would see you occasionally, actually. You would always seat by the Fiction section where I would get most of my books from.”

He frowned. Now that he remembered, he _had_ seen Rose Tico by his favorite spot a few times before. But since he had started going to the bookshop, he obviously hadn’t hanged around there as much.

“Right. That spot is usually really quiet. That’s why I prefer it.” He explained.

“Oh, that’s true.” She nodded.

They kept walking as, it seemed, Rose was also headed towards the campus gates so they were taking the same road. They were getting closer to their destiny.

“Though, I noticed you weren’t going there anymore.” She added, suddenly. “You’ve been hanging around Poe Dameron’s bookshop, right?”

Ben stopped now and looked at Rose.

She smiled as she turned to him. She didn’t seem fazed by it. “Don’t worry, Professor. I know you and Rey are friends.”

He opened his mouth to speak but closed it.

Rose continued as she shrugged. “Rey’s my friend too, she obviously tells us about her life. Also, Finn and I _did_ see you by the bookshop on her birthday, remember?”

Of course he did, he had made a fool out of himself at trying to stupidly hide from them.

He nodded. “I do.”

She shrugged. “See? It’s okay. Just because you’re our teacher doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with her. We don’t find it weird at all.”

Ben blinked. “You don’t?”

She shook her head. “No, not at all. It’s her life, she knows best. Rey always knows best.” She nodded as she suddenly looked in thought. “Especially since that jerk…”

Unkar Plutt? Her grandfather?

He was aware the first had been a bad parent to Rey in the five years she had had to live with him, but she hadn’t exactly told him to which extent. Her grandfather, well, he might have as well be some dark shadow with a big black cloak who shoot lightning from his fingers. From the way she had described him and how she looked while doing so.

Ben could feel his blood starting to boil.

“What did he do to her?” He asked, well aware his voice sounded as heavy as he was starting to feel.

Rose seemed surprised, as she looked back at him.

“Who? Elliott?”

_Who now?_

“Who’s Elliott?” He asked, confusion in his tone.

“Rey’s ex-boyfriend…” Her voice died out as her eyes widened a bit. “Ah, well you know since… uh, never mind.” 

Rose smiled as she brushed it off.

Ben felt inclined to clarify he had meant Rey’s neglectful ex-foster father and her biological grandfather, but he realized maybe it wasn’t a good time to talk about it. All in a hurry in the middle of campus and without Rey.

And something new had just been dropped to him.

Rey’s ex-boyfriend?

He opened his mouth to say something but Rose waved at him.

They were already by the campus gates, he soon realized.

“Sorry, Professor, I have to run. Gotta get started with studying.” She motioned towards the books she had been carrying.

Ben, a little bit disorientated, nodded. “Okay.”

Rose gave a final nod and little smile as a goodbye.

He stood still in his spot staring at Rey’s best friend’s back, who pulled out a phone out of her pocket as she walked away.

_What just happened?_

He blinked and started making his way to his house.

Ben certainly hadn’t expected a run-in with Rose Tico when he went to college that morning, much less for her to acknowledge his friendship with Rey.

_Well, she did go with Rey to a concert which was sponsored by you_. She surely must’ve asked Rey where she had gotten them, apart from things that could come up in conversation at other times.

He had to admit, though, a wave of unexpected and surprising relief came through him when Rose had told him that they were okay with it.

Him and Rey being friends, that is.

Why would he care if her other friends weren’t uncomfortable with him being Rey’s friend, too? It’s not like he knew them outside of class or like he owned them anything, really.

_You know why, dickhead,_ a little voice said in his head.

Because they were important to Rey.

_And you care…_

He walked down the road as he scratched his head in confusion.

_Rey’s ex-boyfriend?_

_Why would Rose bring up her ex-boyfriend?_

_And, Rey had dated someone recently? Is she dating someone now–?_

“Professor Solo!”

Ben turned on his heel at the sudden name call.

It was Rose.

She was running towards him, her phone he had seen her with, in her hand.

When she was close enough, she said while trying to catch her breath, “You have to come with me.”

He frowned, clearly confused. “What’s going on?”

“It’s Rey.”


	11. eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, chapter 11 now!
> 
> I hope everybody is taking care of themselves and their loved ones! These are some rough times, my anxiety certainly has been manifesting. Let's find some comfort in reading and writing ❤️
> 
> Last chapter Rey gave Ben a special gift and Rose got a call about Rey.
> 
> As always, thank you so, so much for all the love, the comments, the kudos and for reading this story ❤️

Ben was sharing a cab with Rose Tico.

He stared ahead as he remembered the same streets he had seen weeks ago, in the middle of the night, while riding then at the backseat with a less-wasted Rey towards the same destination they were currently going to now.

As soon as the words “Rey passed out” came out of Rose’s mouth, they both sprinted (yes, this was the second time in a long while in which Ben had _sprinted_ ) back near campus where a bunch of cabs were surely parked and waiting for passengers.

Well, _fuck_ , he didn’t own a car.

He couldn’t believe he was actually cursing at that fact now.

There were a lot, indeed, and they got in one of them soon enough.

Rose had told him while they had made their way there, that Rey was at Maz’s bakery shop, so that’s how both of them ended up telling the taxi driver the name of the neighborhood as soon as they were inside the vehicle.

Ben had tried not to blush at the piece of information he had revealed to know about, in front of Rose.

However, he couldn’t find it in him to care that much, as he just wanted to get to the bakery as soon as possible.

_Rey had passed out. Rey. Full-of-energy, always-in-control Rey._

Was it normal the amount of panic he was starting to feel in his stomach?

Surely, right? The thought of Rey losing balance and falling down on the floor, having her eyes closed, for some reason, was to Ben as unbelievable as an elephant on a bicycle suddenly bursting through his apartment and stealing his coffee machine.

_Are you really making analogies now, idiot?_

He shook his head as he looked down at his sleeves.

Rose hadn’t said what had been the reason for Rey’s collapse, maybe she hadn’t been told herself. Just to get there soon.

And she had ran to get Ben.

Her phone hadn’t rung again either, Ben noticed, unless she had been texting.

He had looked down at his own phone, mercilessly, and cursing at the goddamn wind that he had never exchanged numbers with Rey.

Maybe she wouldn’t have replied now, because of the circumstances, but at least he could’ve tried to contact her that way.

To show her…

The car suddenly stopped as Ben noticed Rose starting to unbuckle her seat belt and he proceeded to do the same in his seat at the front of the cab.

He pulled out his wallet from his back pocket as fast as he could and payed the driver as Rose had also started taking out her own cash.

“Don’t worry about it.” He told her quickly.

She just nodded.

They both went out at the same pace they had gotten inside their ride, and Ben slung his bag on his shoulder and waited for a second until Rose approached the glass door of a white-painted shop at the very corner of the street they were currently at.

He followed her.

The short girl made her way inside, motioning to him to go that same direction, as she walked past a counter and went through another door, this time a wooden one.

Ben didn’t even notice the other costumers or really took a good look of the establishment he was at, not really thinking about anything else really, as he just trailed right behind Rose who pushed the door opened while he grabbed it and also went through.

His nose also barely registered the smell of fresh bread coming out and maybe some cookies.

They were in a room fool of blue shelves all lined up against the walls and some boxes on the floor, opened and closed, but with a pathway in the middle that allowed them to go on.

This time, now, Ben could hear the sound of muffled voices.

They were coming from that same room they were in.

Rose suddenly turned a corner and stopped right in her tracks.

He followed through, passing past a last shelf still full of boxes.

“What happened?” She asked, clear concern in her tone.

“Rose, thank _God_ , help me, she won’t move!”

“What?!”

“Finn, I _told_ you I’m f–”

Ben, throwing his question, quickly stepped beside Rose who looked back at him as he took the scene before him.

Finn had been leaning his back against the wall but stood up straight in the tiny space as soon as Ben was in their line of vision, his eyes widening in the process.

And beside him, sitting on top of more boxes, was Rey.

She was holding a plastic up on one hand.

Finn blinked. “Professor Solo?”

“Be– What? You’re here?”

The disbelief was palpable in Rey’s question.

Ben saw Rose rolling her eyes at her friends.

“We left college at the same time right when you called me.” She told Finn and then looked down at Rey. “I got scared and asked him to come with me.”

Rey’s eyes locked with Ben’s, who was sure his own pair of eyes were showing all the worry and concern he was feeling inside.

And he wasn’t even trying to hide it.

Even when his students, who also were her friends, were there as well.

Thankfully, she didn’t look like she was going to pass out again, but she certainly looked paler than usual, he could tell.

She was wearing a black sweater and clutching her hands against her stomach.

She was wearing his sweater that he had lend her at the classroom.

Rey looked down; her eyes wide all of a sudden. “I was cold.”

“Rey, what happened? Why did you pass out?” He asked, trying really hard to keep his voice even.

She shook her head, looking at both him and Rose. “I swear it’s nothing.”

“She’s been overworking herself.” Finn blurted out, quickly gaining a death glare from Rey who looked up at him. He waved her off. “I don’t care, Rey. Kill me with your car tools, if you want. But it’s the truth. You passed out since you’ve barely been sleeping because of studying.”

“Ugh, I knew it!” Rose exclaimed and shook her head. “Peanut, we told you to take it easy!” She then gasped. “Last night… did you stay up after we hung up the phone?”

“No.”

“She did.”

“ _Finn_.”

Rey growled at her friend who just shrugged.

Rose shook her head again. “Why didn’t you just go to sleep?! You promised me you would!”

Rey pursed her lip and looked away. “I just felt like I had to revise some more…”

“And just now, were you still revising when you passed out?”

“No...”

“She was.”

“Rey…” Rose’s voice was sad now.

“Her book was on the floor. Thank _goodness_ , she actually fell on her knees so she didn’t hit her head too hard when she hit the ground.” Finn explained. “I was behind the counter and flew over there as soon as I saw her falling down.”

The thought terrified Ben to an extent that surprised him.

“How did you carry her over here?”

“Steve helped me and a costumer who had been near her.”

Rey didn’t even try to argue with her friends as her gaze met Ben’s again, who was just standing there, listening.

He obviously knew they all had exams coming up, he was making some of them after all, so he knew everybody was studying, Rey included.

He just had no idea how much Rey had been apparently pushing herself. After all, whenever they met at the bookshop, she obviously would’ve been doing her job and also talking to him, and casually revising her notes every now and then.

She had been exhausting herself at home and other places.

Ben felt like shit.

He wanted to ask questions too, but immediately noticed the bouncing on Rey’s leg. She still wasn’t feeling totally good.

“Rey, you should get out of there. There’s not enough air.” Ben said a few seconds after silent had fallen in the room.

“I’ve been telling her so for the past fifteen minutes, she won’t listen.” Finn told them.

“No, you guys are right. I have to get back to the shop.” Rey put her cup down on the floor and started standing up from the boxes.

Finn’s hand instantly flew to gently grab her arm as she steadied herself.

Ben watched them.

“Are you _insane_? There’s no way you’re staying there either. You’re going home.” Finn said matter-of-factly as Rose nodded.

Rey shook her head.

“But the bakery, I can’t leave. Maz is still thirty minutes away.” She told him, frowning. “Steve can’t do it all by himself and we’ve already left him alone for almost half an hour.”

“Maz wouldn’t care about this right now, Rey. Just go home.” Rose told her friend who seemed to have no intention of actually leaving the shop.

Ben noticed the look on Rey’s face. He knew. She wouldn’t.

So, he spoke up.

“I’ll watch it.”

As expected, as soon as the words came out of his mouth, three pairs of eyes fell all over him.

Ben had found himself discovering that he had entered some timeline in his life where he simply didn’t stop to think as much as he used to, before saying or suggesting something. He definitely had never before in his life taken care of a bakery, being a library assistant the only job outside of teaching he ever had. So, pretty much, he was volunteering to do something he had no knowledge of, even if maybe it didn’t really require too much skill and science, but still that was something he would’ve never done before.

He simply never just _jumped_ at things.

It was for helping his friend, though, right? He did help his friends. He hated cats and still looked after Hux’s.

_Well, the cat barely even moves._

He looked at Rey’s hazel ones, “You would do that? B-but it’s not…”

However, it seemed Ben’s offer wasn’t actually going to go through, as Rose chimed in and said, “Don’t worry, Finn and I can take care of it. You could help Rey get home.”

_Or, well, that could work, too_ , he thought.

Ben noticed Rey quickly looking back at Rose as the black-haired girl clapped her hands together and stepped aside. “Yep, that’s what we’re doing.” She turned to Ben. “It’s okay, Professor Solo. Finn and I have done this before.”

They both looked from their spot at Finn who blinked. “Uh, I guess–”

Ben could see Finn’s uncertainty. Rey probably would prefer to go with her best friends… “I mean, it really is no problem if I stay here.”

“I guess Rose and I could take her…” Finn added.

Rose turned sharply to Finn as Rey took a step forward. “It’s fine, guys.” She passed by Finn and Rose as she grabbed both their arms for a second and then released them. “Thank you so much.” She told them both as she approached Ben. “Let’s go.”

She motioned towards the direction both him and Rose had gone inside and he looked down at her.

“Can you walk fine on your own?” He asked as she stood beside him.

Rey huffed, amused. “Of course.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

But as soon as he _intended_ to keep on walking, Rey tripped with a box.

Rey. “Shit.”

Rose and Finn. “Rey!”

Ben. “Okay.”

He grabbed her sleeve-covered arm before she could fall on the ground and frowned as their eyes locked.

Rey smiled sheepishly at him.

He raised his eyebrow.

“It was a box.” She said as means of explanation, pointing at said box.

“And there are tons and tons of others of those in our way, so I’m going to help you.”

“Fair enough.”

Rey let Ben take her arm as he also positioned his other hand behind her back without actually touching her, just in case, and they started making their way out of the apparent storage room, Finn and Rose trailing behind while speaking in quite tones.

They quickly passed through the shop and the costumers and went outside, while Finn stayed behind on his way to help the employee.

Rose, Rey and Ben were all standing next to the now closed glass door as Rose waved them off. “Go. Don’t worry about a thing, we got this. If Maz comes here first, we’ll tell her you went home.”

“Thank you so much, Rose, truly.” Rey said affectionally to her friend.

“It’s okay, peanut.” Rose looked at Ben for a second and nodded, then back at Rey. “Get some rest.”

Rey waved her goodbye as Ben nodded back to Rose.

“Let’s go.” He told Rey as soon as the other girl went back inside the shop.

She nodded at him and led the way.

They were silent for the rest of the walk, as Ben didn’t let go of Rey’s arm and she then had grabbed his own one for more support with her other free hand.

While they walked, Ben would sneak glances down at Rey, who kept staring ahead the road, barely even blinking.

His sweater was really big on her that he almost smiled at that, had the circumstance been different. He guessed he found it kind of funny.

He could notice her breathing wasn’t as even as it should be, making Ben’s own breathing also get abnormal.

_Hadn’t they called a doctor? How bad is this really?_

He actually felt the need to slap himself as he remembered his thoughts from earlier. And from a long time, actually. He had been thinking of Rey as someone who was always in control, someone who you just couldn’t possibly think would break down at some moment for some reason. Of course, he never thought of her as some perfect, flawless girl, but he definitely knew she was always, at all times, the stronger one out of them two, even if the things she had gone through in her life probably were heavier than the ones he had lived.

She was still stronger than him, no doubt of that, but even someone as energetic and just… so full of life like Rey could find themselves in a moment of vulnerability.

Rey had definitely shown her vulnerable side to him before, even if they were for brief moments, but she had.

Ben was yet to do that, he thought.

As he held her arm, he didn’t think it would be too difficult to do so now.

The same light brown painted house Ben had seen before came into view soon enough. Still cozy-looking, still with a sad garden with probably what looked like less plants than before, in the front.

They approached the door as Rey released her grip on Ben’s arm to crouch down and lift up the dark blue carpet on the floor.

She held a golden key up as she said. “Maz is as free-spirited as she is a traditionalist.” She explained with a smile.

Ben nodded as he helped her get up again and Rey used the key to open the door.

They both went inside.

Rey made her way towards a blue loveseat sofa that stood in the small living room. She took her shoes off in the process, leaving them out of the carpet, laying on the ground.

She had green ankle socks covering her feet.

Just like with the bakery, Ben’s attention couldn’t bother at the moment to check the inside of Rey’s house as he was still entirely focused on the girl who was now sitting down, looking down at her hands.

He did notice, however, a black picture frame with a photo of a younger looking Rey and Maz, who looked pretty much the same. They were both smiling as Rey had her arm slung around her, shorter than her, mother’s shoulder.

_That must’ve been around the time she got adopted…_

The house smelled nice, and just from the limited view he had now, he could tell it indeed felt cozy.

His eyes flew back to Rey as she also lifted up her gaze at the same time.

“Hey.” She said in a small voice.

“Are you going to tell me what happened now?” He said as he crossed his arms over his chest.

He had bit the question back the whole time, he couldn’t hold it any longer.

She shrugged. “Stress, I guess. What Finn already said back there.” She looked away from him. “I was feeling sleepy before passing out.”

“You always have to be _doing_ something.” He recalled what she had once told him.

She nodded, looking a little surprised he had remembered that.

“Did Finn call a doctor?”

“I told him there was no need.”

“Did you get hurt?”

“Just my knee stung for a bit.” She pointed at her jeans.

“You sure you don’t feel dizzy anymore?”

“Nope.”

_Why was she breathing weirdly just now?_

She looked way calmer now, to be fair, as he stared down at her.

Maybe she just needed to sit down again. She was probably still sleepy.

“Were you scared?”

Their eyes met again as she said, “Yes. I was.”

Ben could feel his own pair of dark eyes softening, because he could feel _himself_ getting that way.

“Why didn’t I know about this?”

She slightly grimaced. “I didn’t want to get you worried.”

“Rey. I–” He cleared his throat as he released his arms. “I see you in the bookshop almost every day. I see you working there for hours and, even then, you’re still revising your textbooks and slides occasionally.” He sighed as he looked at her. “I know it’s not my place at all to even tell you this but… just– just don’t push it, okay? I know you have to work; you have your reasons and it’s something I couldn’t possibly understand fully because I have never experienced or found myself in the need to, really.”

He had worked before while studying, yes, but just for a year, and if he was being honest, in comparison, his need hadn’t really been the same as Rey’s perhaps was…

“But I know you are capable of knowing your own limits and strengths. You obviously also have to study too but just don’t – you could… you could just go… home after you’re done with everything…”

Her cozy and joyous home which smelled like vanilla cookies.

_Don’t stay there to talk to me if you’re tired._

Ben hadn’t finished it, because at this point it was obvious that he was a mess at expressing himself.

But Rey seemed to get it.

Rey, who always seemed to understand him, even if he was speaking gibberish.

Or maybe this time he wasn’t…

“I get what you’re saying. I do. And you don’t have to worry.” She shrugged again. “I like going to the job, I like being there, it’s not like the atmosphere tires me when I don’t have work to do, really. It doesn’t at all.”

Ben stared down at his shoes. How could he tell her that she should just spend her free time away, at least until the exams passed–

“I like you seeing you there.”

He looked up at her.

She did too.

“It’s the only place we meet at. I like discussing books with you. It’s not just fun but also very invigorating. I have read so many new books and learned things too.”

Ben saw her face.

The light wasn’t too bright in the living room, the curtains were closed behind her, but her eyes were as clear as they could get.

Were her freckles always this pronounced?

She shrugged. “But I guess I also understand the whole I-have-to-sleep part. Like I said… passing out _was_ scary.” She shook her head and huffed, her hands flying to cover her cheeks. “Worrying Maz, Finn and Rose, that’s the thing I have _always_ avoided doing, no matter what.” Rey looked at him. “I would hate to worry you too.”

Well, at least she was thinking of herself at some extent now.

She knew he cared.

He shook his head, she needed to sleep.

“Come on, you have to sleep.”

“Okay. I will.”

Rey stayed glued in her place.

He motioned towards a long corridor, which probably led to the bedrooms.

“Come on.”

Her eyes widened as she crossed her arms. “Oh, no, no! My room is a mess!”

He frowned. “You can’t stay in the living room.”

She patted the couch. “I will. The couch is really comfortable.”

“You don’t even have sheets.”

She pointed. “Bottom cabinet.”

Ben turned around at the direction Rey had been pointing to and found a wooden piece of furniture right behind him.

He went to crouch down, leaving his bag on the floor, as he slowly opened the drawer, a grey sheet materializing in front of him. He stood up again, the sheet in his hands as he looked back at Rey.

She smiled sheepishly. “For when I sleep in the living room.”

He gave her a look.

“No. Maz doesn’t know. I _might_ have made her think Finn and Rose like making fortresses...”

Ben shook his head as he just made his way to Rey.

“Careful!”

He stopped in his tracks as he looked down at his shoes, which almost touched the green and brown colored carpet.

“Sorry. It’s really hard to vacuum.”

“It’s okay.”

He proceeded to take off his shoes quickly, leaving them next to Rey’s as he stood on his own socks now. He approached her then and handed the sheets to her.

“Thank you.”

He nodded as he straightened himself. “Okay, uhm,” He motioned with his hand, “cover yourself.”

Rey smiled, amused, as she opened the blanket. “Okay. I’ll cover myself.”

Ben ignored the heat he felt in his cheeks.

She put both her legs up on the couch as she covered them up with the blanket.

Well, covered _one_ up, she left the other out as she lay her head down on top of the pillows by the armrest of the loveseat. She fitted perfectly on it.

“Done.”

Ben huffed.

He approached her again and muttered almost inaudibly as he crouched down, “Seriously.”

His hands took hold of one side of the grey thick blanket as he covered Rey’s leg properly. He arranged the pillows behind her head a bit too.

He looked down at her. “Now.”

She let out a little laugh. “Thank you.”

“Welcome.”

He wondered if she was that type of person who would uncover themselves unconsciously while sleeping.

Maybe Maz nagged her about it and covered her back so she wouldn’t be cold.

Maybe her boyfriend used to do that too.

Their eyes met as Ben stayed beside her.

The question just left his mouth.

“Do Maz, Finn or Rose cover you back while you sleep?”

She made a funny face as she turned to face him. “Maz does. Every once in a while.” Then she shook her head. “Would be hard for Finn _or_ Rose considering they had never seen me sleep. Sleepovers aren’t really our thing.”

They had never seen her sleep before.

_So maybe neither of them were…_

What exactly was he thinking about right now?

Rey waved him off then. “It’s okay. Maz’ll probably be here any minute now.”

Ben grimaced. “I don’t feel comfortable leaving you all by yourself.”

She smiled at him. “You’ve done a lot, already. If Grim Reaper comes, I’ll make sure they never blame you.”

He scowled.

Another laugh. “Alright, bad joke.”

“I guess it is _supposed_ to be attractive.” He said.

“Right?” She grinned.

He shook his head as he looked down at his hands.

They were in silence.

She surely was going to fall asleep now.

Was the room getting darker?

“Ben?”

He looked up at her.

It was the second time she had called him by his first name.

And the second time he hadn’t felt weird about it.

For some reason, he didn’t think he ever would.

“Yes?”

“The people in my painting.” She said. “They were my parents.”

Ben sighed without sound.

“I kind of figured later, actually.”

The three gray figures that met in the middle of the desert. Rey and her parents.

She smiled fondly. “I knew you would. Still wanted to tell you, though.”

Her voice was quieter.

He nodded. “Okay.”

She nodded back.

“Rose wanted to say thank you for the tickets. She probably forgot to do so today with everything.”

“It’s fine.”

Her hands fell on top of each other, the sleeves of his sweater long enough that they covered them.

Her eyes were closed then, only her freckles staring back at Ben.

How come he had never fully noticed them before?

Now that he thought about it… she did have them before, he just never pointed it out, like on the first days he had met her, and then they kind of just disappeared, in a way that also made him forget about them.

How was that possible?

He found himself staring at them.

They were nice.

He rested his head on top of his knees, as he wrapped his arms around his legs and stayed like that.

* * *

Ben went back home in the evening.

Maz had indeed arrived just a few minutes after Rey had fallen asleep.

She had looked calm, as she had probably already talked to Rey’s friends and they told her she was better and had gone home.

It didn’t seize to amaze Ben how much Rey’s adoptive mother, and her friends too, really, seemed to trust him enough to leave him alone with her.

And even give him her phone number.

“This is her new number. She gave the old one to me.” Maz had said, extending a piece of paper to Ben, but stopping midway. “If she doesn’t want you to have it, delete it immediately. If she doesn’t want you to have it and you don’t delete it immediately, I’ll go change her number again myself and put a restraining order. Will that be necessary?”

Ben grabbed the paper. “It won’t.” He said as firmly as he could.

She nodded.

“I saw her writing it down just this morning. I figured it was for Ben Solo.”

He left the house after saying goodbye to Maz and sneaking one last look at Rey, who was sound asleep as her mother arranged her blanket a bit.

He bought some groceries on the way home and took some cash from the ATM.

Ben felt exhausted as he put all the food in place and then he swiftly microwaved some dinner for himself. He ate it in the silence of his apartment while being in the kitchen.

His gaze fell on his living room through the opened door.

Not a single photo frame in sight, not in the walls, nowhere.

He frowned.

Then his eyebrows went up.

Since _when_ did he care about that–

He just grabbed his empty dishes and washed them.

He took a quick shower, put on a T-shirt and some sweatpants and made his way to his bed, grabbing his laptop from his bag.

Some TV show Phasma recommended him was then playing on his screen, and he watched for an entire hour until his eyes started dropping by themselves.

Before closing his laptop, he checked the Netflix trending page and noticed a science fiction movie he really liked and hadn’t watched in a while. He added it to his almost empty list, as he had just recently created an account, so he could watch it at another time.

He saw his light blue sword leaned against his wardrobe, safely located so he wouldn’t trip on it by accident.

The lightsaber, as he and Rey had named it.

He felt like a kid every time he looked at it. The same feeling of excitement and possibilities hitting him.

Also, he added the movie so he wouldn’t forget to tell Rey to watch it. He was almost positive she would love it.

Closing the laptop and putting it away, he got up from his bed, a big yawn coming out of his mouth as he approached his window.

The starry night didn’t go unnoticed to his eyes as he closed down his dark curtains.

Exhaustion was taking a toll on him. The long day he had had draining his energy as he went back to his bed and got under his sheets. His eyes closing as soon as his head hit his soft pillow.

It was the second one he had in the night.

Or the first?

He wasn’t sure.

The dream.

His lips turned upwards.

_His hands roamed. The room was hot._

_As hot as the mess they were making._

_The mess he wanted to make out of her._

_Lord, he wanted to devour her._

_And she tasted so fucking good._

_He moved on top of her as she wrapped her legs around his waist, tanned legs that he grabbed with both his hands as she was moaning his name against his shoulder. Her dark hair was all over his pillow, sprawled out like a little piece of night sky. He certainly felt like in heaven, if it really was above the clouds and moon they saw everyday._

_The soft pillow._

_But not as soft as she was._

_Everything. She was so soft. He felt he had already made another mess out of her soft breasts with his mouth just a while ago. And his head between her thighs, then up her stomach, her neck. He would curse his entire existence if his mouth had missed a spot. Of every goddamn part of her sweet and tiny body. And she wanted more. He wanted to give her more._

_He had already seen this before in his head. It was nothing new. His hot mess would result in him rolling around the moonless sky that was his bed and taking care of his business himself, once his eyes would open again._

_However, this time he didn’t want to open them just yet._

_He was so close to get there. He wasn’t going to let go of the sweet little creature underneath him who was driving him to absolute madness like never before as her nails took care of his back. And of his hair. She had made her own mess there. He wanted her to touch him everywhere too. Little, tiny but still a strong presence. She was as present as the stars above._

_More, she wanted more and she was going to get it._

I’ll give you everything. You’re mine.

_He actually said it, he thought about it, he wasn’t sure, but he sure as hell felt it._

_His mouth was on hers as both of them gasped at the same time, their breaths coming as one as they were. He moved in her, thrusting harder, as her breasts bounced against his chest._

_He took hold of the mattress underneath them, for support._

_He definitely was going to need it._

_And maybe so was she._

_Because her loud moan came out at the same time as his word._

_“Rey!”_

Ben’s dark eyes opened at the speed of light.

He sat up in his bed at that same pace.

He breathed in and out, sweat on his forehead. Everywhere. His white T-shirt was clinging against him.

It was happening, down there, as it should be.

_God fucking damn it._

_Rey kissed my fucking cheek the other day._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, damn.


	12. twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo, chapter 12 here! I hope everybody is doing okay ❤️
> 
> Thank you soooo, so much for all the kudos, comments and for just reading this fic ❤️ It always puts a smile on my face!
> 
> Dear Ben had a, situation, that he definitely has to live with now 😉 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!

Ben stared ahead at his wall. 

Then back down at his arms and up again.

It was now twelve AM.

New day.

Two hours had passed, then.

He had taken a long, long shower and somehow still thought like he needed to take at least five more to get rid of all the dirt he felt.

Maybe he would.

He was sitting by the edge of his bed, legs up, arms resting on top of his knees. His stomach was a mess.

_This can’t be. There’s no fucking way._

He shook his head, slowly.

_It wasn’t her. It couldn’t possibly_ be _her._

He hadn’t _done it_ in a _long_ while, maybe it was just some–

Then why in the world was he thinking about that kiss, all of a sudden?

Rey never did that. She never kissed. He had seen her in more than one occasion showing affection to the most important people in her life, in some pretty happy moments, and not even _once_ had she even hugged them, let alone kissed them.

She had kissed Ben. On the cheek.

_You gave her tickets to see her favorite singer in the world. You saw how ecstatic she was._

Still, what was truly striking down on Ben wasn’t just the reasons she must’ve had to do so, maybe she _did_ kiss after all.

What was absolutely wrecking him was the realization of what _it_ had done to him.

He had brushed it off at the time, not even letting the thought consume him or really stick with him, as he had proceeded to listen to her rambling about the singer, without an ounce of intention of taking his attention away from her.

But now, as he sat all by himself in his room, and the vivid vision of what his own mind had conjured up in his sleep, as present as it could be; along with that actual, real touch, similar to the one he had dreamed of.

And the memory of what her moans had sounded like.

A small one escaped Ben’s mouth now.

He got up off his bed, as if it had just tried to swallow him whole.

_What the fuck, what the fuck, what the_ fuck.

He was sick. He was absolutely sick. 

His hands flew to his tousled hair, grabbing it and sliding down to his face, in complete terror.

_She’s Rey. How could you possibly– how could you even think, let alone do that…_

He shook his head furiously as he sat down on the floor.

_She’s Rey. She’s young, she’s nine years younger than you, she’s a student, she_

_wouldn’t want this–_

She was his friend.

She wouldn’t want this...

Why could he literally taste _dread_ in his mouth?

Ben stared ahead again, his legs sprawled out in front of him, almost touching his bed.

He blinked.

And then just kept staring.

Ben applied the cream as carefully as he could on that red spot that he felt it vibrating on his forehead.

He felt tremendously stupid.

Eventually, maybe around three in the morning, he had actually fallen asleep, while still being on the floor.

The deed had caused him to gradually slid down until he hit his head against the frame of his bedroom door.

The impact made Ben instantly wake up as he groaned in pain, his hand flying to the spot he had hit himself as he could already feel it starting to get red.

He had his pale skin to thank for that.

He got up like the dead man walking he felt and went to his bathroom.

That tiny bruise was the least he could receive for the absolutely insane thing that had happened last night.

Because _it_ was absolutely insane.

Rey.

How could he even _think_ –  
  


  
If she wasn’t going to put a restraining order against him, maybe he would do it himself.

No, under no circumstance she was ever going to find out about that.

That was it.

Just some weeks ago, the thought of her being his friend was crazy enough, her actually giving a damn about him was insane. And how much he had grown to care about her, as well. He had accepted all of that, of course, as he had allowed himself to think there was nothing wrong with any of that and that he had just been an ass all that time.

But this? This was on a whole other level of utter madness.

Rey had never given him any signs of feeling about him _that_ way.

_Why would she?_

She was young, free, smart and beautiful. Was this the first time he had said she was beautiful? Certainly, he knew now for sure that he had always thought so, even if he had never actually said it, and _that_ fact was also starting to torment his brain. He was the last thing she needed. He was the last person she would ever think about in the way he had dreamed about her.

Ben shook his head; he couldn’t let himself remember what his uncontrolled mind had created.

Again, why did the insides of his mouth feel so weird? He needed to brush his teeth again.

So he did.

After he left his bathroom, he still felt miserable.

_I can’t see Rey anymore. Not after this. Even if that dream hadn’t exactly been my fault, I mean, you can’t control your own dreams…_

_Who am I fucking kidding? Of course it was my fault. The stuff we dream, it doesn’t_ just _happen. And this in particular…_

Ben saw the paper with Rey’s number laying on top of his nightstand. He had actually saved her number last night while watching that TV show.

She must’ve still been resting. She probably was going to spend as much time resting as possible, when she wouldn’t be taking her exams. She probably wouldn’t go to her job as much. Even if Maz had to force her, too.

That calmed Ben a bit.

For her and for himself.

* * *

A week had passed and Ben was collecting the last folder full of exams.

_Finally_ , he thought to himself, _they’re done with them and here comes a batch of sleepless nights and coffee obsession for me._

He was used to it, right, but he still couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy at the content in his students faces while leaving the classroom. Come again, the failed papers were surely going to be a headache for those who got them. But, also for him. He wasn’t a teacher who “rejoiced” in the failure of the students, even if some of them did deserve some type of wake-up call. He might’ve been strict but, at the end of the day, it was really just his nature, and people didn’t need a professor who would just let them get away with things. Where was the learning process at?

Anyways, there was also the fact that he absolutely dreaded making recovery exams.

On the other hand, he was getting used to the sleepless nights as of recently, as he hadn’t been able to sleep for more than four hours, sometimes three, for a whole week.

His mind would wander to _her_ , almost unconsciously, as he lay in bed staring at his ceiling. Like a dumbass.

His small bump in the forehead had eventually faded away as he had applied cream every day, the self-embarrassment never going away as he did so.

He grabbed his bag as he left the classroom.

Ben hadn’t seen Rey for that whole week and the dream hadn’t been repeated.

He hadn’t gone anywhere near the bookshop, taking other routes from his home to work and vice versa. He hadn’t seen her on campus either, as he would leave his classroom as soon as all his students were done with their exams. Especially the one class he had with Finn and Rose, who hadn’t been able to exchange any words with him because of the exam routine they all had fallen into. Ben had never felt more grateful for any type of timing before.

She was busy, so was he and it was a good excuse.

He certainly hadn’t called or texted her number at all, too. However, he couldn’t say he hadn’t stared at her saved contact for at least some good fifteen minutes every damn day, sighing afterwards and just tossing aside his phone.

Like a dumbass.

He wondered if Rey had social media. She probably did. He could picture her perfectly having a Twitter account, discussing with “fandom” people about her favorite readings and all the other many things she liked. He hated social media, so he naturally didn’t own anything, but at least that way he could’ve heard about her without actually having to talk to her. Maybe if he created an account with another name…

_No, no, no. That’s shit._

The urge to march up to either Rose or Finn and ask them about how Rey was doing had been completely unbearable. In no way he was able to actually do that, but the thought was enough to make him twist in his seat.

Ben’s hands were on his face as he was sitting down on his couch, just arriving home.

This was fine. How many times before had he agreed with the thought that his absence from Rey’s everyday life couldn’t possibly affect her that much? Enough times was the answer. She probably wouldn’t even notice he hadn’t tried to reach out to her somehow.

This was fine. Like he had said, she didn’t need him.

And he–

He dropped his hands, his gaze falling on the bookshelf that stood right in front of him.

_Anne of Green Gables_ could be read on the spine of the green colored book.

He had bought it. Rey’s favorite book besides the ones from Jane Austen. And he had liked it very much, so much that he had actually ordered the following ones. He had wanted to surprise Rey by telling her he had read them all.

As he stared at the book with what was probably the world’s most pathetic look on his face, he realized maybe he had just been saying and thinking bullshit for a whole week.

And maybe a little longer than that.

* * *

Ben stared at the see-through door.

He truly was the world’s biggest dumbass that ever existed.

He had borrowed a book from the bookstore almost two weeks ago and he was a day past due.

How he had managed to forget about it wasn’t really a wild thing to understand, since he knew exactly why. He hadn’t even finished it. He hadn’t read anything at all in the almost two weeks that had passed since _that_ night.

His concentration had been complete and utter _shit_ , he truly thought of himself as a professional now since he had actually managed to prepare his classes as always.

He had avoided talking to Finn or Rose like the plague. The thought of him, a thirty-year old man, practically running away from twenty-year-olds, was just one of the many absurd things he had found himself doing recently.

From another certain twenty-one-year old, specifically, too. A girl whose mere thought was enough to send shivers down Ben’s spine.

As he felt right now, clutching the godforsaken book in his hand.

_Just get inside, return it, pay and leave._

Rey didn’t have a shift at that time. In fact, he knew she had a class, so there was no way she was going to be there.

Ben exhaled as he finally approached the door and got inside the library.

The bell jingled above his head.

He saw the empty counter as he closed the door behind him as gently as he could. The other employee had been wiping some shelves with the broom and immediately dropped his task to approach Ben.

Subtly, or at least he thought, his eyes roamed through the inside of the bookshop from his standing spot, just in case. As he expected, nobody else was there besides them.

Ben quickly gave the boy the book back, apologizing right after by telling him he was indeed a day past due and payed for the penalty.

“I don’t think Poe would’ve minded, really.” The young boy told him as he took the money from Ben, while also checking on an iPad. “You always return everything on time.”

“Still. I should’ve checked.” He told him, while adjusting his phone in his back pocket.

He nodded without looking at Ben, as he kept scrolling. “Besides, you’re like Rey’s favorite _book_ person, or something. She’s always talking about you and the books you both like.”

Ben literally felt the blood leaving his face as he heard Rey’s co-worker.

_Leave. Now._

“Anyways, thank you very much. I’ll be leaving now.” He said in one breath as he turned on his heels ready to abandon the place.

“Wait, wait! You’re forgetting your wallet.”

He stopped in his tracks and quickly made his way back to the counter. “Shit. Right, sorry.”

The guy was holding his wallet, extending it to him. Ben took it in one swift movement, thanking him one more time and turning to leave fast, once again.

However, in the few seconds it had taken Ben to turn around, grab his wallet and verbalizing his gratitude, he hadn’t noticed the always-so-present jingling of the bell, as well as the sound of the door opening and closing. And, of course, he hadn’t seen the person walking inside as he crashed into them, his feet quick to stabilize himself.

Crash into _her_.

Rey stood wide-eyed, looking up at him as she grabbed onto the sleeves of his black sweater, which he had provided for her as his hands instinctively had gone to grab her forearms so she wouldn’t fall down due to their significantly height and frame difference.

Ben instantly took a step back, Rey stumbling down a bit for the sudden movement.

They stared at each other.

He swallowed, hard.

“Professor Solo?”

“Rey! Thank goodness, you’re here!” The boy behind the counter exclaimed.

Ben kept staring at her as Rey’s eyes left his for a moment to look at her co-worker. “Uh?”

He slung a bag over his shoulder that Ben definitely hadn’t noticed before, he then looking back at the guy as well, and saw him leaving his previous position quickly. The boy walked past them as he approached Rey for a second, smiling at her. “My girlfriend and I owe you one, big time. I promise I’ll cover your shift next week.”

“Yeah, no problem.” She nodded as he gave her a quick thumbs-up.

He left faster than humanly possible, in Ben’s opinion, leaving the two totally alone.

Ben stared at the door, hopeless, for some good seconds until his eyes fell on hers, again.

She was, naturally, already looking at him.

Had she called him “Professor Solo”?

_Maybe she’s not going to ask, I can just say I have to go–_

“Rey–”

“Where have you been?”

Of course. She was Rey. She _was_ going to ask right away.

_Why_ in the world had he almost smiled at that? That was exactly what he didn’t want to happen.

He took a moment to take her in from his place. Her brown hair was down today, she was wearing her denim overalls with a white T-shirt underneath, black ankle boots covering her probably random colored socks. Her blue bag on her back.

Hazel eyes and eyebrows slightly furrowed, waiting for an answer.

He remembered her freckles from the day he saw her falling asleep.

She didn’t look mad, but she certainly didn’t have her usual smile.

He gulped down.

“I’ve been busy.” Was the answer he gave her.

Her expression dropped a bit as she nodded. “I figured. With the exams and everything.”

He nodded too, hopelessly.

Silence fell over them for a moment.

He wasn’t used to this.

Until it was Ben who spoke up again, his thoughts for the past weeks betraying his mouth. “How have you been?”

She blinked as she pursed her lips. “Okay. Good. I’ve rested quite a lot, actually. Maz didn’t let me have it, you know.”

He had figured.

And he knew she wasn’t lying. She indeed looked way more rested.

However, Ben couldn’t help but think that she hadn’t looked any less beautiful back then as she did now.

His eyes fell to her lips for a second, rosy as ever, maybe a little bit more now. As well as her cheeks.

_Okay, fuck, no, this isn’t working._ He had to fucking leave and he had to do it now.

“I-I have to go.” He stuttered, stupidly, as he quickly walked past her, pointing at the door. “I just had to return a book.”

She nodded, turning around to face him.

Ben nodded back.

He didn’t know how or where he actually found the strength to turn around from her, extending his hand to grab the door handle and leave.

But he did.

However, as he twisted the knob, Rey’s words stopped him.

“Why didn’t you call?”

He stopped and so did his breathing.

He slowly turned around to see Rey.

She did look mad now, eyebrows full on furrowed.

“What–?”

“I know Maz gave you my number. She told me she did. That day I passed out and you were with me.” She took a step forward to him. And then another. She opened her mouth and closed it, probably thinking her words. Then she said, “I know you’ve probably been really busy with making the exams and marking and other things, as you know I’ve been busy too,” Her eyes were sad. Her eyes actually looked sad now, “but I just thought– I mean, a text doesn’t really take too much time.”

Of course it didn’t.

She continued as she bit the inside of her cheek, then released it. “I know I’m probably sounding like some– I don’t know, I just don’t get why you didn’t even… I mean, I do get that sometimes you just don’t want to talk and want to be by yourself, do your things, and I completely understand that, I do, but I thought– I mean, seeming that that thing had just happened to me and we are… friends.” She looked up at him, her shoulders dropping.

Ben understood. And he still couldn’t believe how Rey managed to understand him as well.

However, she had no idea what was the reason for this, obviously.

He shook his head. “Rey, I’m sorry.”

She stared at him. “I guess what I’m saying is that I really wanted to hear from you and then you stopped coming here also, even though I am pretty sure this has become a sort of safe space for you and I was _so_ glad, I _am_ so glad, even if I didn’t come as well because of resting. And maybe, most likely, I’m exaggerating, it was just two weeks, but you didn’t reach out at all and I was thinking–”

Rey wasn’t word vomiting. Was she stumbling on her words? Yes, she was. But it wasn’t word vomiting.

What Ben did next, however, could’ve been.

“Rey, you kissed me.”

And there it was. He had said it. It left his mouth just that easily. Heavens, if there was one, knew the thought that been hunting his mind and body.

But this wasn’t going to be easy.

Rey blinked as she instantly stopped talking.

“What?”

There was no turning back now. “You kissed me. On the cheek. When I gave you your birthday present.”

Rey’s frown disappeared as soon as it had shown up, from her face. Confusion wasn’t possible. She remembered.

She blinked several times at him.

_Fuck, I probably look and sound like a crazy person._

But Ben’s rational thinking wasn’t currently properly working.

“I just–” He shook his head, pursing his lips. “I had never seen you doing something like that and I didn’t understand. I don’t understand.”

She shook her head slowly, taking the situation in. “Wh– I, I don’t understand. Was that something bad?”

She looked concerned now, her face dropping, like realizing she had indeed done something bad.

_No, you shouldn’t be concerned at all! It’s my fault!_

“No!” He exclaimed and quickly straightened himself. “Sorry. No. No, Rey. Not at all.” His hand was on his hair. Well, fuck it, he was really coming undone now. A mess. “I think– I mean, I didn’t want to give you the impression that you had to do _that_ in order to thank me or something. In _no_ way, I would ever, ever, force you, consciously or not, to do something you don’t want to do.”

Rey’s eyes dropped from his, down, and then went back to him.

He looked at her, feeling his eyes expressing too much, as he shook his head slowly. “It’s not your fault.”

And then, something inside Rey seemed to click.

She shook her head too, they were doing that a lot, as she held his gaze. “No. It is my fault.”

Ben’s lips slightly parted as he was going to say something, but got trapped in the process. He stayed like that. His eyes dropped a bit as he looked to the side.

Rey looked away all of a sudden, too, visibly gulping down. She was fidgeting with her hands. “I mean, besides, look, it’s not that big of a deal.” She cleared her throat. “In fact, I can do that again.”

At her words, Ben turned his head back, facing Rey again to see what she meant. And had little to no time to notice she had gotten closer to him in a heartbeat, her face inches away from his, as she had placed a hand on his shoulder to support herself, completely startling him.

Because what was obviously, _obviously_ , meant to be a kiss on his cheek, ended up falling right into his lips.

And it had been so fast, so sudden, the look of complete shock she had on her face as she quickly stepped away from him, possibly, surely, mirrored his. The sound of the, now, peck, lingered in the air. And their inhumanly-fast reddened cheeks.

A one-second thing that would’ve been able to formulate a semantic field for the word "kiss" on Ben's head.

And everything was sweet, _sweet_ , soft, dreamy, oh, _shit_ please–

Her freckles…

Ben couldn’t even process the sweet scent of Rey’s previous ghostly but real touch any second longer, because as numb as he felt in his entire being, he also saw her staring at his lips and standing on her tip toes, not leaving space for any doubts in the heart and in the mind, as she grabbed his face and pressed her lips to his.

Much to Ben’s total non-transparent nature, he closed his eyes as soon as Rey’s hands gently took hold of his cheeks, her eyes closed too, and then her lips moving slowly against his.

However, once again, he couldn’t even react and was barely able to register Rey’s sweet and soft lips against his, as well as her nose pressed against his cheek, as she pulled away from him all of a sudden. Ben hearing her gasping in shock as his surprised eyes met hers, her mouth parted too, showing that exact shocked reaction he had guessed she had.

She was looking wide-eyed at him as she slowly dropped her hands from his face, her eyebrows raised as high as they could possibly be.

Her eyes. They looked like they were actually twinkling.

Had it been… like that other night?

Ben blinked at her.

She opened her mouth and closed it. Then opened it again to say–

“Ben.”

His name left her lips.

She shook her head, in clear disbelief. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have–”

Ben didn’t let her finish as he crashed his lips against hers.

He had done so with so much force, almost forgetting for a second how much physically wider and taller than Rey he was, as he had leaned down to her, that they had almost lost balance for a second. But as both his hands grabbed the sides of Rey’s face, pulling her closer to him once and for all, her own hands instantly flew to grab his waist, almost like refusing to let anything separate her from him. Something like falling down to the floor.

Ben felt like his heart was going to fucking explode.

Ben was kissing Rey. Ben Solo was kissing Rey. And she was kissing him back just as eagerly.

Fuck him for ever making fun of sappy movies and novels: this was like fucking flying and reaching across the stars. They were both moonlight and he wanted the light.

Their lips moved in sync, tilting his head as he felt himself pushing closer and closer to her, to the girl who had undoubtedly managed to immerse herself in his entire being. And he had let her.

Her backpack was in the way.

Rey, almost unconsciously but also in sync with Ben’s thoughts, and still refusing to separate herself from him even by an inch, in a swift movement, dropped the backpack she had been carrying on her back to the floor, her hands quickly, so quickly, returning to him, as they placed themselves on his hair this time. Ben’s hands switched places too, allowed now to go to the small of her back, holding her there, bringing her even closer to him.

They moved. Him and Rey. Backwards. Ben thought so at least. He was too lost in their kiss. His tongue was ridiculously everywhere in her and as he felt Rey biting his lip.

Rey’s hands totally and safely secured in Ben’s hair as she touched it and touched it, like she had discovered something she had searched for a long time. His own hands were going up and down, from her back to her waist to her hips, their bodies together as pressed as they could be. The action made Rey sigh audibly against his lips, his and hers finally separating for a second.

Ben barely got all the breath back he needed, as his panting had mirrored hers, hers… _fuck_ , just like he had dreamed it would sound like, when Rey quickly kissed him again. Her arms were around his neck as his also never left her small back.

He had never, in the ten years he had been doing _this_ , ever kissed someone the way he was pretty much devouring Rey’s mouth right now. Licking, tasting, pushing every corner of her sweet mouth.

And in return, he had never been kissed that way before either.

To say he was absolutely loving it, would be the biggest understatement of his life.

She had done it before, surely, he could tell from right now and he knew of the ex-boyfriend. However, somehow, at the same time, Ben, almost a bit egotistically perhaps, felt that maybe she had also never been kissed like that before. The way her mouth was also exploring his, a bit shyly but still so eagerly, making Ben’s insides go crazy, like she was discovering something new. Been kissed by a man for the first time, that’s how Ben wanted to kiss her.

Jesus Christ, he wanted everything. All rational thought and possible denial from Ben completely out of the window.

They were lost together in outer space.

He wanted Rey. He wanted Rey so fucking badly.

If the kisses weren’t enough, and the groan he almost let out if her mouth hadn’t been pressed against his, his desire for her was manifesting too in the form of him lifting her up off the ground a little bit, as he put more force in the kiss and their embrace. Rey’s arms were firmly around his neck, hands tangled in his hair, as she moved with him in the kiss, him silencing the gasp she had let out with his own mouth.

Rey’s total permission was what was making him come even more undone.

Did she want him as much as he did her? Had she wanted him as long as he had wanted her?

Was this okay?

_Fuck, fuck, fuck–_

Ben’s questions couldn’t possibly be answer, as a loud, almost _monstrous_ noise echoed throughout the shop.

Startling them both, Ben and Rey pulled away, the sound of the end of their kiss lingering in the air, still holding each other, however, as both their heads turned towards the door.

Suddenly, Rey’s eyes went wide.

“Fuck.”

Ben turned to her face, still so close to his as her gaze was fixated on the windows.

His eyes fell to her swollen rosy lips, which surely looked just like his did. Her incandescently amazing lips that he had just tasted and tasted.

He wanted them back on his and on every other possible part of his body.

Ben shook his head internally, furiously.

No, no, no, this wasn’t okay. This wasn’t–

The twists inside his stomach that had dissolved while kissing Rey, were coming back to him at full force.

His attention quickly went back to Rey’s startled expression, as the noise clearly coming from right outside the shop kept on going, like something getting smashed and beaten up with a freaking hammer, and then suddenly stopped.

Rey then turned to him. “It’s Poe.”

Ben then mirrored her expression.

And just as they untangled themselves from each other, Ben putting Rey back on the ground, in between not wanting but having to for different reasons, a loud thump was heard and _felt_ against the door. They both looked at it, startled once again, as a box came into view.

And Poe Dameron looking back at them through the very transparent door.

Hopefully not as transparent as Ben felt at the moment. And maybe Rey too.

The three of them stared at each other.

“A little help, guys!” Poe suddenly let out, shaking the box in his hands.

Right, he couldn’t get in.

“Right.”

Ben and Rey said at the same time as both quickly marched up to open the door for Poe. As they got there, almost unconsciously, at least Ben did; both reached out for the knob at the exact same moment, their hands touching in the process.

They quickly turned to the other and Ben could swear he felt his cheeks reddening as fast as Rey’s did too.

_Madness._

Ben pulled away as he let Rey opened the door. One of his hands quickly went to his now messy hair, in an attempt to fix it a little bit as Rey adjusted a fallen strap of her overalls over her shoulder.

“My God, is this thing heavy! I swear at this rate, I’ll have to throw that excuse of a car down a ditch.” Poe’s voice suddenly filled the bookshop, carrying the big box in his arms. “Thanks, Rey. How’s it going, Professor Solo?” He addressed them as he made his way inside towards the counter.

“Poe, hey.”

“Hi.”

They both looked at Poe from their, apparently, glued spots.

And their voices sounded ridiculous.

Well, Ben thought at least his did. To him, Rey’s was just hot.

_I swear, you idiot–_

Poe was opening the box he had arrived with, looking down at it as he nodded, seeming to be completely oblivious of the tense atmosphere surrounding both Ben and Rey. And the heavy make-out session that had just occurred inside his very shop.

“More school textbooks. People really start buying them even on the first weeks of June, nowadays.” He shrugged.

He looked back at them for a split second as they both nodded.

Rey was the first to react as she cleared her throat. “Let me help you with that.”

She looked back at Ben for a second before making her way towards the busy Poe. She stood beside him as he started passing the items to her, her arms quickly filled with the textbooks.

Ben took that as his cue to leave.

He slipped through the door as fast and as subtle as he could.

As he was right outside, he also noticed it.

More like, remembered it, because he surely had realized that had been happening.

_It._

His eyes suddenly went wide as he stepped away from the bookshop door, making sure Poe wouldn’t notice as he quickly took his sweater off him.

It was still some good three-minute walk between the bookshop and his house, so he couldn’t just go around showing his erection to the world like it was nothing, in broad daylight. He wrapped his sweater around his waist, leaving him with a white T-Shirt on.

Had Rey felt it too? She must’ve had for sure; she had been as pressed against him as his own clothes were.

Ben shook his head frantically as he started making his way home.

* * *

Ben arrived at his apartment and immediately took off his pants while he closed the bedroom door, as thoughts filled his mind, ones he was sure he shouldn’t have anymore but was going to let them be for the time being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean, they're kinda cute.


	13. thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy, I hope everybody is staying safe and healthy ❤️
> 
> Thank you so, so, so much for reading this fic, the comments, kudos. Bookmarking it, also. Writing Reylo has truly meant so much to me.
> 
> Speaking of which, they kissed. Goodness.
> 
> Hope you enjoy it 😉

Ben woke up the next day as he stared at the ceiling, blinking several times at it.

His hand went to his hair instantly. It was still damp.

He groaned loudly, even though he wasn’t really surprised. He had, after all, showered for a second time at five AM, just two hours ago and had immediately gotten into bed.

That meant he had slept a total of: two hours.

He had class in the afternoon, _thank hell._

His stomach was in knots and it had woken him up, as he had been tossing around in bed. His hand lazily fell on top of his tummy as he started rubbing it, as if it would make the pain go away.

Ben sat bolt upright _, suddenly, his gaze falling on the wall in front of him._

_He hadn’t let himself think about it in all the hours he had spent wide awake last night, especially at a specific time when he had been… busy taking care of his stupid body reactions._

_He had barely swallowed his dinner._

_I can’t see her anymore. This can’t go on._ The thoughts were mixed with the, oh so sweet, but so dangerous, at the same time, memory of Rey’s lips on his, hitting him like a thousand lightning bolts.

Everything _her_ : her hair, her eyes, her freckles, her hands, her mouth, her small back.

The way her breasts had felt pressed against his chest…

He shook his head furiously.

He had _let_ himself think about all of that freely last night, because it had been even _physically_ impossible for him not to do it.

It had affected him at a rate and magnitude he would’ve never imagined, certainly had never felt before in his life, and right now, as he stared at his empty beige wall, he was absolutely terrified.

_Sure, a guy terrified because he kissed a girl, is exactly what Rey needs,_ a small voice in his head said.

_That_ , among things.

And “things” were a lot.

And Ben hated those things, he wished so badly he could just switch them all off, make them go away.

Those stupid knots. That infuriating doubt.

And the fact that he was wishing so, so hard that he could just _not_ have certain things about himself, was also making him see how badly he actually wanted it.

It.

Her?

This was too much.

His eyes landed on the blue lightsaber, always leaning by his drawer, and something inside him hurt more.

Right in his chest.

His hand flew to that area, against his T-shirt, as he took deep breaths, then his eyes went down to his mattress.

_I can’t, I can’t, I can’t._

Ben closed his eyes, trying to calm his uneven breathing.

He felt smaller than he had ever felt before, as all his insecurities danced around his head, like they were so used to do.

* * *

Three days had passed and Ben hadn’t seen Rey.

He was doing it all over again. Worse now than before, clearly.

Once again, he had avoided going to the bookshop and had managed to go to and leave college without seeing her.

Well, without bumping into her, because he had actually seen her from afar once.

He had been leaving his usual building when he had caught sight of her by a bench nearby, making Ben’s heart going into an almost full stop. Almost pathetically so, he was able to feel his hands starting to sweat, his throat closing down, his head starting to spin. She had her brown hair up in two small buns.

The instant, almost automatic pull to walk up to her, surprised even him.

But he remained in his place.

Her gaze had been glued to her phone, and her presence in Ben’s eyes had been as fast as a flash, because soon enough, she had been surrounded by both her two best friends and other students he didn’t recognize who joined them, all of them laughing and smiling, with papers in their hands.

Exams had started to be handed out and people were getting excited. Others bummed out.

And then he saw her, too, getting up from her seat to greet them, smiling like she would, so easy yet so earned. She surely had done great, he could tell by the happy expression on her face, also directed at her friends. And well, apart from the fact that he knew how hard she had studied in the past month, and how capable and incredibly smart she was.

Ben sighed audibly, not being able to help himself, as he quickly started walking away from the group that had been formed around Rey.

Feeling something inside burn.

Making his fears and insecurities the more prominent, unwillingly so.

_Young, free, smart, beautiful…_

Thankfully, she hadn’t seen him. If it was anything like last time, she probably had wondered where the hell he had been now.

All the way from college to his home, he couldn’t help but think how blind he had been all this time. As all the thoughts filled his head, it was almost laughable how oblivious he had been to his own signs. In the weeks following his first dream about Rey he had thought about it all enough, but still had been unable to accept and admit what was clearly there.

He had been afraid, he was still afraid, but after the huge moment he shared with Rey a few days ago, it was impossible to keep hiding it from himself. It was now so easy as just counting it all down, as if he were checking his freaking grocery shopping list.

Not that it had the same weight or importance at all, but, yes, once again, because of how easy it was to count it all.

The way he had so easily and so quickly warmed up to her in the months they had been friends. He had gone to her workplace right after having that discussion with his mother who had left him numb enough to want to run away for a while. He had landed there. Where she was. How willing he had been all this time to spend time with her, learn about her, talk to her about books and so. About her, about him. How much he had come to care for her.

That night, when she had been drunk and he had just started to see they were actually friends, he had stayed with her willingly and without hesitation, accompanied her there and then to her house. He had viewed it as normal human decency, which it still was, but now he knew it had been more than just that. The way he had actually wanted, even just thinking about it was enough, to take her hands in his because they _looked_ and _were_ cold. Weeks later, again, in his classroom when he felt her cold and gave her his sweater.

He still had the apology cartoon drawing of her saying “sorry” in the drawer of his nightstand. He liked it a lot. Rey’s talent could be shown even in the smallest things like that one.

The way he had trusted her enough to want to talk to her about his family, even if it had just been a small mention. How good it had felt that she had trusted him to tell him about her personal things. He trusted her even with his _books_.

Ben started climbing the stairs to his apartment, as another thought suddenly hit him.

He had called her a kid. He had beaten himself up for it a lot, as he had actually not meant it. At all. She had been upset about it and he had absolutely hated that. And now he knew why, about it all. Of course he knew.

The stupid conjured up thought, it had been brought up because of the way he had, unbeknownst to him at that moment, started to think about Rey. Started to see her in a different way. In the exact way that resulted in him _throwing_ himself at her, wanting her body as close to his as humanly possible. The “you’re a kid” excuse he had made for _himself_.

It all clicked.

Ben stepped inside his apartment, his eyes looking at nothing and nowhere as he closed the door behind him, sliding down against it, to the floor, letting his bag fall beside him.

The concert tickets he had bought for her. Of course they were a birthday present and he still didn’t regret getting them for her. But now he _knew_. There was no need for an explanation there. It could be a normal gift from friend to friend in some other situation, for sure, but he now knew that hadn’t been the case for him with her.

His own happiness when he had seen her being happy and excited about it.

He thought of her in random moments, like while being dizzy with alcohol in a bar with his friends, or in the middle of his freaking class while making his students read out loud.

Her and her every-damn-genre songs.

The way he had _freaked out_ , yes, when she had almost bumped into that literal stranger, handsome blond boy with his dog in the street and how she could’ve had her crashing-into-someone-then-falling-in-love moment. Ben felt pathetic as he thought so now, again, how something he had made up in his own mind had made him that upset.

The humps question. How embarrassed he had been to make a sexual innuendo in front of her.

_The lightsaber._ The one which was still standing in his room, next to him at all times. The one he had absolutely _loved_. Because of how cool, well-done and thought of it was. And also, because it had been Rey’s doing. Because it was from her. Because she had given it to him.

Because he had liked _it_ and that it was from Rey so, _so_ much, and looking at her happy face, he had smiled. Sincerely, happily too, willingly so. For him, but also for her.

He took a deep breath as his head fell on top of his knees.

The ex-boyfriend mention, that now, he admitted, had made him uneasy. Even if it was just a bit. How he had wanted to know soon enough whether or not Rey was currently in a relationship, how close she actually was to either Finn or Rose.

How _relieved_ he had been when he realized she was single and that the latter were just both her good friends.

How _scared_ shitless he had been when he got told she had passed out. How badly he had wanted to take care of her, hold her close, tell her she was going to be okay, he was there, for her, just like how she had been for him, absentmindedly maybe, but still, how she would never, ever have to be alone again…

His head went up as his eyes remained unfocused.

How much he had loved seeing her with his sweater again.

Not to mention that turned-the-world-upside-down dream he had had about her and how much it had made him _feel_.

The kiss. Their kisses. She had kissed his lips by mistake, totally, but then she did it again. _She_ had kissed him first.

How badly, irrationally, he had wanted to kiss her too at that very moment and then he actually did it.

How badly he had wanted to kiss her before too, not sure when exactly, but definitely had wanted to.

The way his heart would beat ten times louder whenever he thought about her, not to mention whenever he saw her or was near her.

Her. Her beautiful smile and face and hair and voice and the way she just… existed.

All the moments that had seemed so little, were actually not. Not at all.

Ben felt stupid once again. How stupid he had been all this time, when it had been so easy to see it, but so hard to realize it.

He was able now, though.

His breath got caught in his throat, making it hard to breathe.

He then remembered the poem he had written.

For her. That time after he had made her upset. One of the times.

Ben shook his head at himself. Maybe, he thought, his anxiety and insecurities played a big part in him not being able to see all of what was coming to him now. Not maybe, they definitely did play part.

He hadn’t been able to give her the poem that day outside the bookshop, when he had been gripping tightly the envelope behind his back.

That’s how insecure and hopeless he was. He couldn’t even bring himself to re-read it now.

That was it. That was, exactly, a big reason why Rey didn’t need him. As if he didn’t already know it before.

She deserved someone who would give her all of the poems, not hide them.

Even if she were to feel the same way towards him as he did to her…

His head was now back covered, on top of his knees, his arms surrounding it as his entire body went numb, both in heart and soul.

* * *

Ben had class that next morning.

And he felt like absolute _death_.

Getting up from bed was always hard. But the past few days had been on a whole other level of difficult he had never reached before in his life. Maybe only in his darker days, when he was younger.

Both pains he had felt certainly weren’t the same, but they still hit him in that same place, physically and emotionally.

He had class with Finn and Rose, and he had been unable to look at them in the face, even more so than before.

_They know_ , he thought. They probably knew. He knew Rey trusted them enough to tell them.

However, the intimate moment they had lived maybe wasn’t one she could easily just share.

Or maybe even… care enough to tell.

He wasn’t too sure of that, knowing Rey, but the unpleasant thought couldn’t help but creep into his mind.

He had spent the last days, whenever he managed to get Rey out of his head, marking papers and had still some few left to check. Luckily, the deadline to hand them out was still a few days away, so he had time to try to get his shit together for more hours enough to finish his work. 

He knew his students were eager to get their papers, however this time he was struggling. Big time.

They would have to wait.

That also delayed the inevitable time he would have to come in direct contact with both of Rey’s friends.

Lord, he was pathetic.

Just the night before, he had once again had a sex dream about her. Much to his utter bewilderment, making him wake up sweating and with a severe erection problem he had to take care of right after as thoughts of her kept coming back to him.

The memory of her lips on his was still as strong as it could possibly be, still making it impossible for him to not have it in the depths of his fucked-up mind, resulting in those type of dreams.

If he had had it bad before, he certainly had it way worse now.

Now that he knew the way she tasted, the way she felt in his arms.

His imagination running wild with the hallucinations he was creating of her.

The number of showers he had taken in the past few weeks had been insane, he actually thought about the water bill for a second.

Ben brushed off his thoughts as he regained focus in the class.

There were still a few weeks left of the semester and he had to finish it properly.

He lifted his gaze to find Finn and Rose talking to each other in hushed tones, as the rest of the class were reading their books.

His eyes instantly went back to his own book, re-reading the same paragraph for the tenth time in the last five minutes.

_The woman left the bank and then_ what _happened?_

He was a mess.

* * *

His mother called him that night after he managed to eat a sandwich and gulp down a bottle of water.

And he actually picked up just after the first two rings, after putting on a black T-shirt and some sweatpants.

“Hey Ben.”

The voice of her mother filled his room as he put it on speaker, his phone laying on top of his stomach, head facing his ceiling. He had dropped a pillow on the floor by accident as he did so.

The thought of his pillows touching the floor always stressed him out, so he quickly picked it up.

“Hello, mom.” He replied, clearing his throat.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.” He shifted back to his position. “You? Dad?”

“We’re okay, son. I’m making your dad accompany me to this dance class on Wednesdays and Fridays, so you can probably guess how much fun I’ve been having these days.”

“Because he absolutely hates it.”

“Yes!” Leia’s laugh was heard from the other side of the line. “Though, we’ve got to give him some credit. He catches up rather fast. So that’s why I don’t really buy that whole “I hate it, get me out of here” shit. Sorry. I meant crap.” 

Ben accommodated his head on his pillow. “I don’t know why but the thought of dad dancing terrifies me.”

“If you decide to get married one day, you’ll definitely see him dancing at your wedding. If not, I’ll make sure the opportunity comes.”

He groaned. “Thanks, mom.”

He could hear her smirking. “You’re very welcome.”

They talked for some more minutes until Leia announced she had to run for emergency grocery shopping. Uncle Luke was visiting them in the States and the man loved barbecues.

It was odd, either of his parents ending the call first, so it struck Ben a little bit when they hung up the phone.

Also, because, well, he wasn’t exactly feeling all that good, and just hearing his mother’s voice had actually calmed him down a little, instead of causing the opposite.

Ben closed his eyes as he clasped both his hands on top of his stomach too.

He was the biggest coward.

He felt like one.

He had refrained himself from thinking about it, but once again, couldn’t help but do it.

Rey was probably, most certainly, wondering about him.

After what had happened between them, there was no doubt she must’ve.

But he couldn’t, he just couldn’t face her. The mere thought was enough to make him want to crawl in his bed and never come out again. The pain in the pit of his stomach could be felt even then.

He knew he would crumble as soon as that happened.

Crumble as in ending up doing or saying something stupid, and he couldn’t do that to her.

Him staying away was the best solution he could come up with for the time being.

His eyes fell on his phone once again.

He unlocked it and went to his contacts list. For the umptieth time in the past three days, like the pathetic idiot he was, he stared at Rey’s saved contact without doing anything.

He then went to the letter P and ringed the only number he had underneath it.

She picked up after a few seconds.

“Solo?”

“Hey Phasma. You busy?”

“Hey there, friend! Not really, just got back from Korr’s.” He heard shifting from the other side. “Didn’t expect to hear from you so soon.”

He frowned. “We saw each other weeks ago.”

“My point exactly.” She said, sounding amused.

Ben grimaced. “Sorry.”

“Pff, don’t apologize, Solo. I know this is you caring about me.” He could hear the smile in her tone, as she probably waved with her hand.

“Right.”

“However,” She started, sounding suspicious all of a sudden “I can’t help but wonder. How come you calling on this Thursday night?”

Ben stayed silent for a while, only hearing the sound of his own breathing.

_It’s just…_

“Solo?”

He sat down in his bed, now holding his phone by his ear.

“Phas. Ask me that again.”

“Ask you what?” He heard the curiosity in her tone.

“What you asked me that day, at the bar.”

Phasma didn’t say anything right away, probably trying to remember and make sense of her friend.

“What I asked you that day? Let’s see…” She mumbled, thinking.

“Well, I remember asking you how you were doing…”

Ben remained silent, once again.

Phasma seemed to understand soon enough. She knew him, after all.

So she asked him.

She cleared her throat. “So, how is it going with you, Solo?”

“I’m in love with a girl.”


	14. fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there, hope everybody is doing okay ❤️
> 
> Thank you SOOOO much for reading, leaving your kudos, comments and for bookmarking this story. It has meant the absolute world to me, as I love, looove writing this ship ❤️
> 
> Hope you enjoy 😊

Ben Solo knew better than to let himself get attached.

And yet, he had let himself fall in love with Rey.

He had done it and there was no denying it now.

“I mean, she _did_ have to stand on her tiptoes in order to kiss you. In my opinion, that takes effort and most importantly–”

“You’re not helping me right now, Phasma.”

“– _wanting_.”

Phasma stopped as he threatened to hang up the phone.

She listened to him going on and on about all the things he had had bottled up inside of him for weeks now, telling his best friend everything he had discovered regarding his feelings for Rey.

Leaving out the part, of course, that in his dreams, he would be fucking Rey.

In different places of his home. To put it bluntly.

He still felt shivers every time the thought merely crossed his mind.

He didn’t wait for any advice from Phasma, as he hadn’t called her for it. He just really, really needed to say what had been trapped in his throat.

Ben already knew.

And, even if it had been just a little bit, he actually felt better after speaking and saying it out loud.

She would make it very clear that she had been listening to his retelling and confessions, leaving sounds of understanding in between sentences.

Sure, she couldn’t help but say the previous statement.

Phasma proceeded to tell him about work and how close she was to selling her car.

“I shall finally be able to get rid of that old piece of rubbish!”

He knew of someone else who had to get rid of his own old piece of garbage. Whose loud sounds had served as an alarm for him and Rey that other day at the bookshop…

_You need to_ stop.

After talking for a few more minutes, Phasma decided to end her call letting Ben know that she _did_ know who Ariana Grande was.

“Never assume someone else’s music choices, Solo!”

He told her he wouldn’t.

Then they hung up.

He went on for the rest of the night feeling his heart a little less heavy.

Until he went to bed and the darkness of his room engulfed him.

And how, after so many years, he felt as lonely as he hadn’t felt in a long while.

_This is how it is._

He tossed around, adjusting his only pillow several times until he finally fell asleep.

Of course, not before having Rey in his mind the whole time, thinking about her smile and hazel eyes, brighter when it would be sunny outside. And then, once again, in his dreams, less innocent, but still her and her.

* * *

A few days later, Ben had handed out the exams to his class.

He had managed to finish marking them just in time to deliver them before the deadline he had set.

Faces of content, surprise and, thankfully, very few of disappointment were all over his classroom.

Rose Tico had done excellent, to say the least, getting the best grade out of everybody. Ben had given her exam without meeting her eyes, unlike how he had allowed to before, and she had quickly left his spot to examine her paper.

It had been the same with Finn, who also got a very good grade.

He didn’t miss, however, their tones of happiness while checking each other’s papers.

A strange feeling of content came to him too, seeing the pair so happy, they deserved it, after all.

He cleared his throat.

As there were still some weeks left of college, besides the exam, Ben had also given them another assignment that would help boost their grades if necessary, before he had returned the tests. In addition, it had once again been an exercise to check on their writing skills and their improvements.

He had asked them to send them all online, as he was sure his folders were about to collapse with all the papers he had had to save.

By night, the assignments started coming in. After having some dinner, he decided to start checking some out as he didn’t have anything else to do for the time being.

He couldn’t finish the movie he had forced himself to watch and he didn’t even remember how the actor had gotten from Seattle to Lima so quickly.

He closed his Netflix tab and went to check his mail.

Downloading the Word documents, he started reading some.

Ben scratched his cheek. _Well, this certainly is an improvement._

Around eleven PM, a new mail came through.

He had just finished marking another assignment, when he went to check his inbox.

Finn had just sent his work.

Ben couldn’t help but open that one as it arrived.

Dragging his finger across the touchpad, he selected his mail and opened it.

Frowning, Ben noticed Finn had sent him an entire folder, instead of just one document, which read “Ben”.

_My name?_

_Ah, maybe he saved it as that as his teacher’s name._

Ben quickly clicked on the folder as it started downloading.

To his surprise, because he hadn’t noticed before, the image icon appeared on his screen as it was getting downloaded.

_He sent… pictures?_

Okay, it was safe to say it had been the wrong file.

As they all downloaded onto his computer, Ben clicked on the first picture that had been listed.

It opened.

And his own face stared back at him.

Ben’s eyes widened, instantly.

Staring back at him, was a scanned painting of no one else but himself, he was pretty sure. His face, almost _exactly_ like the one he would see every day on his mirror, was displayed all over his laptop screen.

Gaping at it, in clear shock, Ben took the image in.

It _was_ him, there was no doubt of that. His hair was black, falling in soft waves by both sides of his face. His skin as pale as his own, matched with the seemingly sad but still attentive looking eyes. His face structure, his nose, his eyebrows, his moles, the pink mouth it had.

It wasn’t a full body painting, but still showed a little bit of the attire he was wearing. All black. Almost like a tunic, with a hooded cape that fell just behind his shoulders, as if it had just been pulled down.

His face, it seemed, was the main focus of the painting.

Ben couldn’t believe what he was about to admit.

But the whole thing gave him the impression that he had been portrayed as some sort of prince.

A dark prince, a sad looking one, but with a defiance behind him, still.

He had been able to see all of that with just one picture.

That’s how _good_ it was.

Despite the fact that he was the main protagonist of it.

_Me? Really?_

Ben quickly opened another picture.

And once again, it was him.

This one seemed a bit different. It showed half his profile, still in his black attire but without a hood now, pale skin, black hair that looked like it was shining, pink mouth, his eyes now looked different. His entire posture looked different too.

Still sad, more confident though, but still careful.

And with a scar that ran across the right side of his face.

Even the scar looked beautiful.

This was definitely a prince, or a knight, a good one or a bad one he wasn’t sure, but it _literally_ screamed that.

The whole thing took his breath away.

Ben rubbed his eyes and then opened them again. It definitely wasn’t a hallucination.

He noticed a new mail came in but ignored it as he opened a last picture.

Now, this one totally left him in shambles.

The dark prince was staring right ahead this time. His black hair disheveled, he no longer looked sad or distressed as he had previously been.

This one was determined, it was a man in a mission, maybe in the realest one of all.

His eyes were wide opened, his scar was gone, he had a cut on his lip and another one on his left cheek, like he had just been fighting.

But still, he looked sure, he could even dare to say that he looked almost at _peace_.

Around him, the color blue and black surrounding the space, almost as if he was in the middle of a constellation of stars, but even so, the focus was on _him_.

He was another star, bigger, among them.

He seemed to no longer be wearing his black tunics from the past pictures, this time, it looked like he simply had a black sweater on, showing a bit of his neck.

The dark prince was human in all of those, but in this one, he looked more alive than ever.

Almost like a succession of events, time, feelings and spaces.

Ben was speechless.

He went from image to image, still unable to believe his eyes.

The paintings were _amazing_.

And then it hit him.

It couldn’t have been Finn. Why in the world would Finn draw him?

_I mean, of course, the boy could’ve been good at drawing too_ , he thought, even if he hadn’t seen him doing it before, but Ben would be deluding himself if he didn’t take into account someone else whom he knew could draw this _good_ and had spent some time with him enough to be able to capture him this way.

Or in any way.

Someone he had let get as close to him as nobody else before.

The same girl who wouldn’t leave his own mind.

The same girl who was the only one who had managed to get a reaction like this out of Ben before.

Rey.

He suddenly felt numb again. Once again.

_Rey drew me. Rey actually took time of her life and drew me, like this. Like a prince. In a way I had never ever even_ think _of picturing myself._

Ben pushed away the laptop and then instantly put it back in his lap.

He remembered other drawings from Rey. This was her doing, it was definitely hers.

For a moment, Ben felt his heart jumping, and not in the awful way he had for the past few days.

Good, hopeful, like coming home.

But then quickly shut it down.

_No, no, no, this can’t be, Ben Solo, this can’t be._

_She knows of your issues, even if you hadn’t told her straight up, she knows you’re just a sad person–_

But why did he feel like the paintings weren’t, like, accusing him of something?

He had actually been portrayed so beautifully, and by that he didn’t just mean his physique, but in general, the whole vibe. It was so… human.

Like everything she was.

Like she would understand.

There it was again, that hopeful voice in the back of his mind.

_This can’t be._

Ben went back to his inbox and saw the new mail that had come in.

It was from Finn.

He opened it in a heartbeat, the apologies quickly being noticed on the redacted paragraphs and an actual Word document was attached this time.

**I’m truly sorry, Professor Solo. Please just ignored the first mail I sent you. I made a mistake–**

Well, too late now, he had already saw it all.

Ben remembered Rey telling him Finn had a shitty computer and his files would often get mixed up, like another time he had also sent him the wrong thing.

So he knew then, it hadn’t been on purpose.

Had Rey sent them to his friend?

Still, nothing could erase the fact that he had already seen it.

And it had already sent a new wave of feelings cursing through him, like waves crashing against the wreckage of an old, but still standing on its feet, starship.

Ben didn’t delete the pictures, even though they weren’t supposed to be seen by him. He just couldn’t. So he left them in his computer without giving them another glance.

He already suspected, about Rey, how _couldn’t_ he?

But this… this was new and it could say a lot.

The implications.

He knew how much drawing and painting meant to Rey. Those were some of the few things that had gotten her through the dark parts he knew of her childhood, and now, they were also part of her everyday life, her way of starting to earn a living.

He did push his laptop away this time, gently, beside him, as he lay down on his bed.

Staring at his well-known-by-now ceiling.

_This is how it’s going to be, Ben?_

It was.

It had to.

It didn’t stop the pain he felt on his heart, though.

If anything, he could feel himself falling deeper and deeper.

He groaned loudly in exasperation, as he stuffed his face against a pillow.

* * *

The next day, Ben made his way home.

Once again, he had slept close to only three hours and he felt more as a human disaster as one could possibly feel.

His legs dragged him across the street as he thought about the cup of coffee he was bound to prepare and drink as soon as he set foot in his apartment.

It was safe right now. Going in this direction.

He almost snorted at the “safe” word his brain had used.

But he thought it was rather appropriate, nonetheless, he was, after all, scared shitless of his own feelings.

And potentially, of hers too.

So he walked and walked.

He passed by the library, at normal speed.

He knew Rey wouldn’t be there at this hour.

He remembered the first two pictures. He certainly matched with the whole sad-looking feature at the moment, but for sure not with the magnificent tone she had given it.

Ben was nowhere near being magnificent.

That’s what he thought. No, that’s what he was sure of.

He walked, as his eyes fell down to the sleeves of his black sweater.

He didn’t know another one would soon come to his line of vision.

And surely, as he neared his apartment building, he didn’t know a voice would call out his name.

That voice.

He stopped right in his tracks.

“Ben.”

She stopped too.

Ben’s eyes stayed fixated on his sleeves, as soon enough the same black ankle boots appeared.

And as he lifted his gaze, her face appeared as well.

Right in front of him.

The face he had come to _pine_ about like never before.

He blinked at her, almost like he had to make sure she was actually real.

And she was.

She was so real when his name left her lips again.

“Ben.”

And then they locked eyes.

She looked nervous, the same expression she had had right after she had kissed him first.

As his eyes dropped a bit, he noticed she was holding his black sweater in her arms.

“Rey.”

“This is yours.”

They both said at the same time.

Ben looked at the sweater she was extending to him. He gently took it from her hands.

“Thanks.” He said.

She nodded.

And then he immediately said, almost like breathing, “You don’t have a shift right now.”

Had she followed him?

She had been there… after all.

She shook her head. “No. I don’t.”

_Why are you here, then?_

He knew why–

“Ben, I can explain.”

He stared at her.

She was biting her lip.

“Rey–”

“It was a mistake! Those files weren’t supposed to be sent to you. I swear.” She shook her head, as she looked him in the eyes. “I promise it wasn’t on purpose.”

He stayed silent as she continued.

She cleared her throat.

“I– I passed them onto my computer because I was afraid they were going to get ruined in my notebook.” She cleared her throat again. “They, well… they ended up in Finn’s computer and he sent them by mistake.”

Something inside Ben snapped.

Rey’s clear nervousness was making him feel like a trainwreck.

“He pressed your name to send the mail to you and somehow the folder got selected…”

And he blurted out, “It’s okay.”

Rey blinked. “What?”

“It’s okay.”

She did it again. “Ben, I–”

“Listen,” He gestured with his hands, “It’s better if I just pretend I didn’t see them. Right? If it helps you feel less embarrassed. Don’t be embarrassed. I swear it’s fine.”

She frowned.

“Wha–”

“Anyways, it’s not like it’s the first time someone has sent me something by mistake via e-mail. One time a girl student sent me by mistake a “fanfiction” about two characters from an anime she watched.” He explained, shaking his head and waving of with his hand. “Things happen by mistake.”

_Somebody come and get this crazy man–_

Rey didn’t look nervous anymore.

She was _confused_.

They stayed in silent for what Ben thought, had to be the longest seconds of his entire life.

They stared at each other as Rey started shaking her head, slowly.

“Why would you do that?”

He blinked. “What do you mean?”

She closed her mouth then opened it again. Her voice wasn’t as high as normal. Not a whisper, but close. “Why would you pretend that?”

His heart stopped, barely.

He was still alive to speak.

“Because you were embarrassed and it was a mistake–”

“Why do you keep saying that?!”

Her face turned into a frown, her voice higher now.

“Wh–”

“Why do you keep saying it was a mistake?”

Ben gulped down.

He was smart enough to understand they weren’t talking about the paintings anymore.

“Because… it was.”

It came out more like a question than anything.

Rey’s lips parted a bit.

Ben nearly forgot they were in the middle of the street.

But nobody was passing by.

“Was it?”

She asked again.

And Ben stayed silent, unable to.

Her face showing an expression he couldn’t decipher, but certainly not one that indicated she was anywhere being happy.

And once again, something inside Ben hurt deeply. More than before.

And then she spoke.

“You said that I kissed you on the cheek, that day, on my birthday.” Her tone sounding firm.

Ben nodded, lamely.

“You wanted to know why. You said you didn’t understand. You just went and said that it had been your fault, as if maybe I had _forced_ myself to kiss you.”

He opened his mouth to say something but Rey continued.

She looked down for a moment. “I told you it wasn’t your fault…” She looked back at him, nodding slowly, “and then I did lie and said it wasn’t that big of a deal.”

Ben froze in his place.

She looked sure as she said, “I got scared but the truth is that it was. It was a big deal. For me.” Her eyes looked sad then, making Ben’s heart drop, “I’m not big on giving physical demonstrations of affection to people. I’ve never been, even more so later with the… shield I had to build for myself. Not that much with Maz, not with Finn and Rose and certainly not with _other_ people from outside.”

His lips parted. He was sure he looked like an idiot.

But he listened to what was making his entire being feel numb.

She cleared her throat, her eyes meeting his. “That day, I kissed you. Because I wanted to. Because you made me feel _so_ happy I didn’t even remember my shield.” She shrugged her shoulders. They dropped. “Or maybe I did, but I just didn’t care about it. Because I wanted to be close to you.”

Ben couldn’t breathe.

But he could hold on.

She took a sharp breath. “I can’t believe you didn’t see the signs.”

She was talking about _her_ signs.

Rey shook her head, dropping her eyes, her tone suddenly amused. “Ben, the first time I saw you I thought I was going to die.”

He frowned.

“And no, not in the way you think.”

Not in the way he was used to.

She _did_ know him by now.

She went on as she pursed her lip. “It’s not every day that I feel numb just by looking at somebody. And that’s what happened to me when I saw you... I didn’t expect _you_. So I instantly went and said what I had gone to say.”

Ben was speechless.

And Rey was so much braver than him, as if he didn’t know that already, confessing.

She huffed. “I didn’t see it until that night, though, a month ago, when you took care of me when I was drunk. I realized right there, after we went to my house.” Her eyes met his. “Some people say that when you’re pissed you feel like kissing everybody, so I thought that maybe that was what was happening to me. Even though I had been inebriated before and had never felt that way.

“The next morning hit me like a truck. When I was sober and I realized that the feeling hadn’t gone away.”

His eyes roamed all over her face.

How badly. How badly he just wanted to pull her closer right now–

“That same day, on my birthday, I wasn’t sure about the tickets because of the money you or your friend had spent on them.” She shook her head. “But what truly made me feel uneasy, or well, _sad_ , was that– I thought, for a moment, that maybe, _just_ maybe… you liked me back.” She exhaled, shakily, looking up at him. “But I quickly thought that it was impossible, and well, just went on.”

Her hazel eyes were twinkling now.

She was looking at him like _that_.

Hope.

She had already looked at him like that before. At night, at the bookshop, at college, at her house. He just hadn’t seen it. Even though she had been right there.

And it completely broke Ben’s heart.

“So… the other day, when you kissed me–”

“Rey, I can’t.”

She stopped.

His eyes dropped.

_This is how it is._

“What?”

“I’m sorry but I can’t do this.”

The look on Rey’s face, as it dropped, was one he wished he never had to see.

And he was causing it.

But there was no stopping his mouth now.

He shook his head, grimacing. “I– I can’t do this to you. I’m not good for you. I’m, I’m not.”

The pain in his chest was extending to his stomach. Always there. Because he knew how much this hurt him, not only physically.

Rey shook her head, her voice dropping. “What?” Disbelief. He could hear her shaking her head, and almost like a whisper, “But I thought you– I was _so_ sure you felt the same–”

_I do. I wouldn’t be surprised if I liked you more than you like me._

“It’s not about that.” At all. He managed to say, feeling his throat closing. He cleared it. He couldn’t look her in the eyes anymore. But he knew she was staring at him. “There’s so much things you don’t know… about me. About it all. I just don’t know how–”

_If I can’t even speak right now, how could I ever be good enough for you?_

“What do you mean?”

Her voice was uneven.

But she still stood on her ground.

So he said what had been trapped inside for a while.

“Do you remember my friend Phasma?”

Allowing his eyes to look at her for a moment, he noticed Rey was taken aback by his sudden question.

“Of course I do.” She replied, confusion in her tone.

“I talked to her recently. Rey.” He looked away. “She’s going to make a new life. She will never ever have to turn back on all the things that hurt her. There’s nothing for her in that past that will do her any good now. She’ll never have to hold on to something that isn’t there anymore. Her family didn’t want her and just tossed her away, apart from her grandmother. She doesn’t need them.”

He shook his head.

“I really wonder if there’s families out there which can just go on without ever disappointing each other. It should be easy to try to understand one another if _love_ , or I don’t know, those kinds of things are involved. Isn’t it supposed to be strong enough? Do they even _try_? Why is it that people mostly get messed up in life because of things that happened with their parents? We are our own persons. We’re supposed to be. Why do we have to carry their shit with us? Why should we be held responsible of the shit _they_ did?”

They were silent for a whole minute.

Yes, he counted.

Ben noticed his breathing wasn’t acting normal.

_What just happened?_

“Well, some of us will never know that.”

He turned to her at the sound of her voice.

She continued as she looked down at the floor. “Some of us will never know if our parents would’ve done that.”

Rey’s eyes lifted up to meet his, a frown on her face. “I don’t know what happened between your friend and her family, but I can tell it was awful and even unforgivable. No parent should _ever_ turn their back on their child.” She paused. “However, that doesn’t mean all families are like that. That doesn’t mean things can’t be resolved or rebuild. Some families didn’t even get a chance to _be_. Some were just… ripped apart by other external forces, not because they wanted to. Sometimes holding on–”

He stared at her.

“Sometimes the only alive “family” you have left is some bloody obscure figure whose sole existence made you think– made you think at some point, that you were supposed to be like them. But no, you are not. You are your own person. Your strength, your _power_ , your ideals, everything. It’s yours and yours only. Even if you end up being a nobody in between these names! There’s nothing wrong with that.”

He agreed with her on that, he totally did.

Lamely, he said, “Of course.”

“But sometimes,” She went on, “you feel like something is just… missing from you. Even if you already have people in your life who fill it up with their support, laughter and love. And you don’t know _what_ or _why_ it is like that or what to do with it.” She shook her head, frantically. “And the only thing you’ve ever known that has always been missing from you… is them. Those two gray figures whose faces you barely even remember. So, you want to hold on to that. To fill that void.”

_To find that belonging_ , he guessed she had wanted to add.

Rey’s voice was shaky now.

His legs didn’t feel as steady, as he shifted in his spot.

What had he done?

“Rey–”

“I don’t expect you to understand this, Ben.” She said as tears were now forming in her hazel eyes. “I hate that I just made this about myself, but… it’s what I feel. I’ll never get to be angry at them, I’ll never get to be disappointed at them. I’ll never know if they were going to fuck me up by being shitty parents. I’ll never know if they would’ve tried their best. People get the chance to live that, even if it fucking sucks, even if it can destroy you, but I didn’t and never will. We didn’t choose this!”

He looked at her.

“There’s people like your friend who can get themselves back up. It’s possible. I believe I would’ve been able to do the same if they had ever done me wrong in my present life.”

He knew she could. If there was anybody in this whole fucking city who could endure it, it would certainly be Rey.

She had already lost so much.

Yet here she was.

“Having them near but not being able to change what happened… it’s fucking awful, Rey.”

Ben was sure he wasn’t talking about Phasma’s family now.

And it seemed Rey didn’t think so either.

However, she didn’t ask him further.

“I know they aren’t here anymore. I get that, I do, of course I do, and it’s terrible.” He shook his head and he felt his voice cracking too. “But what you seek– maybe it’s not like that, it’s not…”

_Maybe it’s not behind you, but ahead. And you just haven’t realized. You just haven’t or won’t see it._

Ben’s words got stuck in his throat.

He was an absolute mess at this. Why couldn’t he just fucking _speak_? And his head was starting to spin.

Not to mention the godforsaken churning in his stomach.

They had never screamed at each other, neither of them had notably raised their voices once. But it still felt like they had taken out all the air around them just with their words.

It was hitting him, then, why he had brought up this topic right at this moment, when she had been confessing her feelings for him.

The things that would torment him the most, the things that would cause his anxiety to go to extreme levels.

The things that couldn’t let him breathe, that made him worry.

Those which separated him from Rey.

Those voices in his head, the ghosts from his past.

He had brought tears in her beautiful eyes, that she wiped away just then.

He wasn’t worth it.

Ben hadn’t even let her finish, because he knew he would crumble right there and then.

He had fucked up.

Ben saw it in her eyes, right now, she wanted to ask him. Why did he think like that. What had happened to him.

But he also saw the hurt in them.

And still, she asked him, “Why did you say “it’s not about that”? What did that mean?”

Ben shut his mouth.

_That was_ when he decided to stay quiet.

She wanted him to say it, she wanted him to say he wanted her too. Even after what had just been discussed. She still wanted to know that.

_This isn’t okay._

She wanted him to say he wanted her too. Or to let her go.

He knew she could take it. She was strong enough to.

Maybe ending it this way was the better way. Her hating him.

Ben didn’t say anything.

Rey nodded, pursing her lip.

“Noted.” She said and then, “I won’t show up in front of you like this again, Ben Solo. Don’t worry.”

Rey turned around, walking away, her hair bouncing against her shoulders. Just like that day after the rain.

And this time, Ben knew she was running away from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know :)))  
> I'm sorry. Stay tuned.


	15. fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooooo, here’s chapter 15!
> 
> Hope everybody is staying safe and healthy ❤️  
> Writing, concentrating, it has been pretty hard these days, but here we are! 
> 
> As always, THANK YOU so, so, so much for all the kudos, comments, bookmarks and just for reading this fic. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy 😉
> 
> P.S. I wanted to share with you the [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6Tk1DF2rppO5ZXzwmHlkzZ?si=7v9hpiUsRlmTLoqTSbYfIg) I made for this fic, which also has helped me while writing ❤️ Hope you like it!

  


Ben was writing down furiously while his students read the last short novel assigned for the class of the semester.

  


Furiously, yes, because he had to let it be shown how _focused_ and concentrated he was on his task and that his mind wasn’t actually roaming around. That he shouldn’t be bothered.

  


And that he wasn’t going to be taking questions for the time being unless it was absolutely necessary.

  


He checked the time on his phone from the corner of his eye when the screen lit up with a new message from his operator, and continued writing.

  


He had been writing the alphabet back and forth, in different fonts and sizes in a piece of paper that he took from his folder, for the last fifteen minutes, since he didn’t have anything else to write about.

  


Scary, right.

  


“Professor Solo?” Someone asked from what appeared to be the last rows.

  


“Mmmh.” He hummed in response, refusing to make his eyes leave the paper in question.

  


“May I go to the bathroom?”

  


“I believe there’s only two minutes left of class.” He said in a robotic manner.

_I’m concentrating, people._

  


“Oh, right. Okay. Sorry.”

  


Silence again.

  


Only the sound of Ben’s pen crashing against the paper could be heard.

**H I J K L M N**

_Okay, this is beyond psychotic._

  


Ben dropped the pen and just grabbed a book from his drawer and pretended to read.

  


Two minutes later he announced the end of the class and the students started packing their things. Bathroom boy included.

  


Ben also started putting together all of his possessions as quickly as he could without looking crazier than he usually did.

  


Or at least he tried to.

  


Folder, another folder, notebook, book number one, number two, number three…

  


He put them all inside his bag and zipped it.

  


However, it seemed, Ben’s escaping skills were starting to fail, as he, apparently, had encountered someone who had managed to match his speed.

  


Pretty much cornering him, as he had only been able to take one step away from his desk.

  


It was inevitable, he thought. He had known it would probably happen eventually.

  


He just wished it didn’t.

  


“Professor Solo.”

  


“Finn.”

  


They both said at the same time.

  


Ben stopped right on his tracks as he manifested the boy’s name in the air, Finn standing right in front of him.

  


A million thoughts had run through Ben’s mind just the night before, when he knew with whom he had class the very next morning.

  


Meaning that day.

  


Right now.

  


However, he didn’t imagine "embarrassment" would be the word he would use to describe Finn, or Rose’s, expression when he would face either of them.

  


“Yes, Finn?” He asked, praying, yes, his voice didn’t sound as miserable as he felt.

  


He looked at him as the boy scratched the back of his neck, looking abashed.

  


“I came to apologize. Since, you know, the other day. What I sent.” He said without fully completing his sentences.

  


But, of course, Ben knew what he meant.

  


“It was a mistake. I never, ever, ever, _ever_ meant to send those files to you, I swear.” He cleared his throat as he looked at Ben. “My laptop isn’t exactly the finest piece of technology anyone could have.”

  


The amount of “evers” didn’t exactly make Ben’s stomach feel much at ease.

  


At all, really.

  


He gulped down.

  


“I swear it really wasn’t supposed to–”

  


“It’s okay, Finn. I got your actual assignment moments later.”

  


Ben interrupted him as his student seemed to have the intention to keep on explaining himself.

  


“Oh. Okay.” His eyes went wide, as if he were waiting for Ben to show some other reaction besides the blank one he was giving him. The one that was taking incredibly amounts of strength to muster. He didn’t. “Okay. Well, I… I still wanted to explain and apologize, though.”

  


“It’s fine.”

  


Finn nodded slowly, unsure.

  


Was he waiting for something else?

  


Some kind of mention of maybe–?

  


“I’ll send the documents to all the class back in two days. You don’t have to worry. Yours was already checked.” Ben said as he adjusted the strap of his bag over his shoulder.

  


All the other students were already gone, he noticed.

  


He couldn’t see Rose Tico, not even waiting by the door.

  


The boy nodded again, still looking at Ben, as if waiting.

  


His professor raised his eyebrow.

  


“Alright. Uhm, thanks.” Finn cleared his throat.

  


Ben _intended_ to move one foot to walk away, but Finn’s next words glued him to his spot.

  


“Still, though, you know, I guess I also wanted you make sure it was all right since the pictures weren’t _precisely_ , not really, not at all, made by me.”

  


Ben’s gaze fell down.

  


And immediately went back up.

  


Finn’s face showed complete _oblivion_.

  


And it still did as he said, “I swear I had never, _ever_ , in my life seen Rey that absolutely _petrified_.” He let out a little laugh. So easy. “She wanted to burn the laptop down. Not gonna lie, so did I, after all they were _her_ drawings. Even if my computer is that stupid, I should’ve still been more careful.”

  


Ben didn’t say anything as he felt his whole body freezing.

  


It was June, even in London it would feel warmer.

  


But he hadn’t felt like that in days.

  


He actually hadn’t felt like that in years. However, the past few months–

  


And it hit him.

  


Finn didn’t know.

  


He didn’t know and he was just casually talking about–

  


Ben had to leave. Now.

  


He cleared his throat, fully aware how pathetic his voice sounded as he quickly said, “It’s okay, Finn. She, uhm, already talked to me about it.”

  


“Rey did?” He raised his eyebrows and then his eyes grew bigger. _Shit_. “But what–”

  


“Yes. It’s fine.” He looked down at his phone. “I really have to go now. I might have checked your assignment but I still have others left.”

  


Finn gave Ben a quick wary look as his eyes went down and then up, back to his face. Still, he nodded. “Okay, Professor.”

  


Ben only nodded as a goodbye and proceeded to exit the classroom, leaving Finn behind.

  


It was when he was already down the corridor, away from the boy, that he realized he hadn’t even turned on his phone screen when he had “checked” the hour.

  


_Well,_ fuck it _, I’m sure he’ll find out soon enough._

* * *

  


Ben arrived home as he had made his way there directly.

  


And it was halfway there when he had started to feel his vision getting darker.

  


The dots.

  


As soon as he closed his apartment door behind his back, he knew.

  


He managed to find the couch in his living room, as his body stumbled numbly against it, hands reaching and his bag falling on the floor in the process with a loud thump from all the books he had been carrying around.

  


Ben sat down, his head, which felt very misplaced, quickly falling down on the palms of his hands, his eyes shut.

  


They felt cold against his sweaty forehead, the all so familiar prickling sensation coursing right through them. His chest was tightening. Everything was pressing.

  


He breathed. In and out. In and out.

  


One time, two times, three times, four times…

  


He wanted to sink in the blue couch.

_Calm down, calm the fuck down, you can’t do this now, not now, not ever, please…_

  


He had nowhere else to go this time. That was all he had.

  


That apartment which, every passing day, had felt smaller and smaller.

  


He finally didn’t feel like he fit in there anymore, the growing tension inside of him was taking just too much space.

  


Ben shook his head, furiously.

  


He hated this. He absolutely hated this. He hadn’t had an episode like it in a long while. Not even the last one had felt this bad…

  


This heart-wrenching.

  


After a few minutes of trying to control his breathing, he decided to go for one of his resorts.

  


What other option did he have?

_Think about yourself physically. Think about the way your body is physically behaving. From head to toe. Step by step. Down-up, up-down. Is it in harmony or is it conflicted? Emotionally…_

  


Emotionally?

  


He was a mess.

  


His heart had been broken enough times before in his life, but never this way. Just the mention of someone else’s name had been enough to mess him up before too, and still, this was different.

  


This was a different type of hurt that Ben had never experienced before, ever, and it felt as terrifying as it was painful.

  


“Feet, legs, knees, hands, head, to hell.” He said out loud, his voice sounding hoarse to his own ears.

  


He was the only one listening. The only one near. No one but him.

  


However, he gave it a chance.

  


He mentally wandered through every part of his body, focusing hard enough. On himself.

  


Yes, he was hurting. Yes, he felt like somebody had come with a sledgehammer and just swung the damn thing around his brain without a care, but he had to _calm_ himself _down_.

_You’re going to be okay. You have to calm down. You have to if you want your legs to work properly to get to the kitchen and drink that goddamn water with sugar._

  


Tips for low blood pressure episodes. Leia had given him enough when he had been a kid.

  


Ben wiped the sweat off his forehead, his eyes still closed, him still focused on not letting his beginning-of-a-panic attack get any further.

  


He even went as far as letting his mind go through happy thoughts. Those that Leia would always tell him to have anytime he felt like the air was fading away from the room.

  


Back then, when he was just that long-haired boy who wanted to dress up like his dad, he would think about laughing with her mother while reading a comic book tucked in bed, or about the trips with his father to aviation museums and cookie dough ice cream afterwards.

  


His most recent happy memories were also the ones causing heartache right now.

  


However, he knew, that feeling he couldn’t really dare to name at the moment, had never only one side to it. It was never just sad.

  


So he focused on how he had felt in those memories.

  


And it was bright. It was light.

  


Light in that darkness he had immersed himself in, years ago. One that had allowed him to breath properly and freely after a while. Because he actually could, even if it had been just for a moment, before he had ended it all with a cruel stroke.

  


That didn’t erase the light. The light in him. It just couldn’t.

  


It was too powerful. He felt it, as if it were touching his chest against his thick armor, wanting to heal him. His face, his hand, his hair…

  


And Ben managed to get to the water with sugar.

  


And the dots weren’t as prominent anymore.

  


He was breathing.

  


* * *

  


Ben hung up the phone and tossed it aside as his back collapsed against his bed.

  


He had just called up Hux and they were meeting in an hour at some bar.

  


“You sound like shit and my flat looks like shit right now. It just might drive you mad.” His gingerhead friend had told him so they agreed to just go out.

  


His own apartment wasn’t exactly the most comfortable place to be either at the moment.

  


Just a few minutes after ringing Hux, his father had called him.

  


And Ben had picked up on the third and most likely final try from Han.

  


“There you are. Too much work these days I presume?” His father’s voice had filled his, once silent, bedroom.

_You could say that._

  


“You could say that.”

  


Han proceeded to talk about his past week and even mentioned Uncle Luke’s visit.

  


To “their” house.

  


It was safe to guess; Han and Leia were living together again.

  


The thought didn’t bother Ben as much as he thought it would, after all, he had seen it coming from a long time ago, just hadn’t actually voiced it.

  


Even after all those years since their separation, at most times, the two of them had done very little to even try to _show_ some kind of attempt to stop being in contact, even for more than just a few weeks.

  


Almost every year they would visit him in London, they would come together.

  


They both would bicker. A lot. But they would also laugh a lot, too.

  


However, some other part in Ben did ache a little at the thought of the current situation his parents were in. For some reason.

  


Dismissing it completely was the choice he had made.

  


Han’s words were fading away in his ears, gradually, as the memories of a last conversation started creeping up in his reluctant mind.

_“Why is it that people mostly get messed up in life because of things that happened with their parents? We are our own persons. We’re supposed to be. Why do we have to carry their shit with us? Why should we be held responsible of the shit_ they _did?”_

  


And the very person who had made him say and feel that way, was just on the other side of the receiving line at the moment.

  


And he was now casually talking to him about the proper way to grill steak.

  


And most times, even if he hadn’t realized it, he would find himself actually paying attention and being interested in the trivial things said person would tell him.

  


Because he cared.

  


“You probably have developed the British way to do certain things, but I tell you, son, there’s nothing like actual–”

_You can’t change what happened, but you can move ahead._

  


Because they were near.

  


And _he_ had _let_ them be near.

  


Him. His own person.

  


How could he see the other side of his own words so simply right now?

  


It was never simple; it had never been.

  


And it was never going to be.

  


But he could try.

  


“Dad.”

  


Han’s voice had stopped just a few seconds before Ben had spoken up.

  


He had noticed just now.

  


“Ben, is everything okay?”

  


He looked ahead, at his beige wall.

  


Then down at his sleeves.

  


He shook his head, even if Han couldn’t see him.

  


Pursing his lip. “Not really.” He managed.

  


Han didn’t say anything, Ben only hearing his father’s breathing.

  


“Tell me.”

  


His voice sounded calm and patient, just like it would mostly sound these days, like it definitely didn’t sound like too much when he was younger.

  


He shook his head again. “I don’t really– I can’t…”

  


Han waited as Ben struggled to get the words out.

  


He couldn’t say it.

  


It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t simple.

  


And his father understood.

  


So he just told him, “Do you want to stay on the line with me without saying anything?”

  


Ben looked up a bit.

  


“I’m up for it if you are.” Han added.

_“I’ll never know if they would’ve tried their best.”_

  


There it was, his heart stung.

  


But he took it as he shut his eyes.

  


“Please.”

  


He could almost see Han nodding.

  


“It’s okay.”

  


And so, Han and Ben Solo stayed like that.

  


* * *

  


“So not only did you sound like shit, but you also look like it. You okay?”

  


Hux had told him the second he had arrived at their meeting spot.

  


His friend, ever-so-tactless.

  


To be fair, though, he wasn’t lying.

  


“Mmmh.” Was Ben’s response as he took the beer Hux had already ordered for him.

  


His friend looked at him as he slowly nodded. “I see.”

  


While on his third beer, Ben realized that maybe it hadn’t been such a good idea to go out. He had picked a black sweater from his arsenal inside his closet, put on some black pants and had gone out. Yes, he had almost forgotten his goddamn shoes, as the cold floor from the hallway went right through his socks. He had gone back inside for them.

  


Hux had attempted at conversation at first, but now they were both in a long silence as he understood his friend just wasn’t able to go on with it.

  


Was he just wasting his time even trying right now?

  


Until his friend spoke again.

  


“You know, mate. I’m always sure you have a thousand and a half words all raveled in your head. You might not be able to _say_ them, but…” He gave him a knowing look.

  


Ben stared at him, putting away his half-empty beer.

  


“You know.”

  


And he did.

  


Of course he did.

  


That was how he found himself going back home after finally exchanging some words with his friend “You better never forget about me, Solo!”.

  


Taking a quick shower, Ben didn’t even bother with dinner as he arranged the clothes he had worn that day, throwing them in the dirty laundry just outside his bedroom.

  


As he sat down by his desk, opening his laptop and turning it on, he noticed the perfectly folded black sweater that had been laying right next to his books for the past days.

  


The embarrassing amount of times he had sniffed and just pressed his nose against it after coming back home with it, was something he was also forcing himself to not think about.

  


It was slowly starting to smell like his cologne again and the thought was as depressing as it could get.

  


Forcing his hands to stay away from it, he focused on his laptop as he ignored the new mails popping up on the screen.

  


He knew what he had to do.

  


Not also a want, but a need, he had been pushing aside in his head for a while.

  


Maybe even in his heart too.

  


Ben’s mind started filling up with all the possibilities that someone could face when a new blank page would show up before one’s eyes.

  


The words that someone would have trapped inside, begging to come out in a, sometimes, most times, desperate attempt to feel something bigger, because they just couldn’t afford what there’s on the outside.

  


Something one just can’t find floating in the air.

  


But one could make it appear.

  


And so, Ben thought about the infinite. The far away. The beyond what someone could see.

  


And he typed and typed, his fingers against the keyboard, filling the silence. Something again filling that silence.

  


The ideas, the scenarios, the people. They were all there and Ben was finally allowing them to come out in the open.

  


To keep him company maybe, for now, but who knew what they could do later.

  


And he had the picture lividly in his mind. Because he had already seen them before.

  


He knew what he wanted.

  


And at least on the paper he could have it.

  


Someone else could have it.

  


And it was going to be okay.

  


* * *

  


“Hey mom.”

  


“My son.” He could hear her smile. “Not too busy today?”

  


He knew she was asking because he had actually picked up the phone after only two rings.

  


Ben was having a break. His back hurt and his eyes actually went wide at the sudden guttural groan that had left his mouth as he had stood up, the image of a very Han Solo doing the exact same gestures every single time they would get up after finishing dinner at some restaurant when in London.

  


He had shuddered at the thought and immediately went to make some coffee.

  


He had written (and deleted _and_ deleted) so much, for an unknown number of hours, that a new day had made its way inside his bedroom window and his whole apartment.

  


It was now night and he actually allowed himself to have something to eat after taking another shower.

  


Putting on a sweater, Leia’s number had shown up on his phone screen and he had grabbed his phone as soon as he could.

  


“Not at the moment, no.”

  


He took a seat by his kitchen table, holding the phone to his ear.

  


“Oh, that’s good, Ben. School’s ending soon, though, right? The UK still has the same vacation system as us. I’m guessing.” He could hear the teasing in her tone.

  


Ben could also picture Leia perfectly right now. She would be sitting in her bedroom, specifically the same old gray armchair she loved so much but was so comfortable she still kept around, by her bed, and she would have a cup of tea placed on top of her little table.

  


Yes, _she_ would be the one drinking the tea.

  


He would always picture where his parents would be, he realized, every time they talked.

  


It brought him some type of tranquility.

  


He sighed.

  


“Your dad told me you guys talked a few days ago.” She said suddenly after telling Ben about her day since he had asked. Leia wasn’t using her usual careful tone, but rather like she was actually expecting Ben to answer and not to blow up. For some reason, he found himself preferring it like that. “Well, not talking, really.”

  


“Right.”

  


A pause. “Is everything okay, son?”

_Yes and no._

  


It could never be just one, right? Life was like that, that much he had always known.

  


“It’s fine, mom. You don’t have to worry.”

  


Silence.

  


She was probably going to just take his word.

  


Except she didn’t.

  


“Okay. But are _you_ worried?”

  


“What?”

  


“You say I don’t have to worry. Fine. But are _you_ worried? Is something bothering you?”

  


He shook his head, closing his eyes. “I’ve been writing. I actually must have sanity in order to do that, I think.” He thought. “At least some of it.”

  


Her smile again. “I’m glad you’re writing.”

  


He bit his lip.

  


“But you and I both know you’re always full of rational thinking. And sometimes too much of that can’t be good.”

  


She had said so. Knowingly.

  


Damn it, sometimes he wished his mother wasn’t so smart.

  


But only sometimes.

  


Maybe right now he was starting to be glad she was.

  


Among moments.

  


His gaze fell on the piece of paper laying by his own mug of half empty coffee, his free hand roaming around near it.

  


“What’s going on, Ben?”

  


He looked around his empty kitchen.

  


“Silence and writing are good. Of course. But sometimes talking can also be good, you know?”

  


He guessed so.

_Fuck it, right? It doesn’t get worse than this._

  


His finger fiddled with the folded piece of paper. 

  


“Yes, mom. You’re right. Maybe too much sanity can’t be good all the time.” He cleared his throat. “I certainly lost it at some point.”

  


“You did?”

  


“Mmmh.”

  


“And how so, son?”

  


Silence.

  


“Ben?”

  


His voice was failing him. It felt like a knot had formed inside his throat.

  


Oh, so they weren’t only exclusive to his stomach, after all.

  


“I am worried.”

  


He was sure his voice had reached the level of sounding as pathetic as it could be, in just a small lapse of days.

  


But he couldn’t find himself to really care right now.

  


Leia let him continue.

  


He knew she was listening and that she would keep on doing so.

_It doesn’t get worse than this._

  


“I’m worried because I really thought I was fine, mom.” He shook his head slowly as he shrugged, well aware he was physically alone. “I really did. And then I realized fine wasn’t that. Fine isn’t even that good of a word. I actually hate it, mom. It was light. What I actually wanted to feel was light, not _fine_.”

  


“Okay.”

  


“I fell in love with a girl. A twenty-one-year-old girl from my school.”

  


He sucked in a shaky breath. 

  


“Ben–”

  


Oh God, he was so in love with Rey it hurt.

  


Just the thought of a pair of fucking eyes and freckles and a voice and a _mind_ , a beautiful mind, had never hurt him that much.

  


So he told his mother just that.

  


And that was what made him so worried.

  


Not because she had completely messed up with the calculations he had made for his own life, but he was actually worried at how _crazy_ he was about her and how much he thought, no, how _sure_ he was he wasn’t good for her.

  


And how he had fucked it all up.

  


That he was way too far gone and there was not returning now.

  


He had unfolded the piece of paper, as he had spilled and spilled all those previous words to his mother.

  


The poem.

  


The poem he had written for Rey, way before he had even realized how he really felt about her.

  


It was _so_ bad since he never, ever wrote those and had done it so messily in just a heartbeat of a moment.

  


But he had still done it.

  


  


_It wasn’t lightning_

_It was the light_

_It was everything that was right._

_It was a voice, a melodic sound_

_A hand pulling away from the only-dark._

_It was the awakening, the same feeling_

_The loneliness we were given._

_Alone together at last, destinies matched_

_Fingers touching in the darkest night._

_As solid as it could,_

_with sweet heart and mind_

_For she who loved the stars._

_  
_

Ben’s eyes were suddenly glued to the last line.

  


Numbly grabbing the pencil, he had also brought with him, he slowly erased a word.

  


And put other two instead.

  


He remembered staring at the starry night sky just a few minutes ago from his bedroom.

  


Were they mocking him again?

  


He was too far gone now, anyways, right?

  


  


_For my lover who loved the stars._


	16. sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooooooooo! Chapter 16 is here!  
> Okay, yeah, it’s been a month since I updated. I had no other excuse but the fact that I started a new semester (online) and it’s been crazy. It also got really hard to write, as well, for personal reasons, and I mostly spent my free time tweeting and rewatching my old favorite TV show. Ha. 
> 
> But here it is! I promise, I PROMISE, I WILL finish this story. You can count on that.
> 
> I had the chapter ready more than a week ago, but decided to wait to post it. I might not be from the States, but racial injustice and police brutality are topics that involve ALL of us, all around the world. It happens in the USA, it happens in a small country in South America, too. I’ve been trying to be as vocal as I can not only on social media, but to my people over here as well about the Black Lives Matter movement, everything it means and involves, and the importance of being anti-racist. And I’ll continue on doing so.
> 
> I decided to just leave this chapter posted so you guys can read it whenever you want. 
> 
> Quick recap: Ben and Rey pretty much fell apart after a gone-wrong encounter and Ben is going through it. He started writing, and a poem that didn’t get to be delivered, was revealed. 
> 
> THANK YOU so much, as always, for reading the fic and leaving your kudos, comments, bookmarks! It means the whole world <3 
> 
> Enjoy!

Ben Solo was home.

In between witty lines and dialogues, words, long and short phrases with as much meaning and thought as possible, smushed together, something definitely was coming up. Something that he had had stuck inside for a long time and had just now let _be_.

The amount of times he had had to connect and disconnect his charger from his computer was sort of proof of that.

On his desk, his bed, couch, he would rotate from those places.

It was safe to say, it was the first time, in almost five years, that he had taken a few days off work, calling in sick.

He hadn’t really been sick… not technically, at least.

But he had preferred to use that excuse.

Nobody needed to know he had been on the biggest writing spree of his life ever.

“On a journey of artistic and personal discovery” which required much more time and attention than normal.

He had instantly cringed at the probable phrase one could use to describe what was happening to him at the moment.

“Sorry. Got the flu.”

Yes… that was better.

He had advanced a lot with his classes previously, thankfully, so he knew his students weren’t going to meet their demises without him being physically there.

And classes were ending soon.

Ending.

Ben shook his head as he poured himself more coffee.

The imminent fear he had felt at the sight of a blank page, had been something that he had had to face several times. Mostly when he would start a new chapter and suddenly his brain would go into a frenzy.

Later, the words would just appear, as if they wouldn’t go first through his head, but just directly to his typing fingers.

Most of the time, they made sense.

It was always like that, that process, and to this day, he barely understood it.

But just went with it every single time.

Thankfully, _thankfully_ , there hadn’t been any signs of a possible breakdown in the past few days. Having been able to control himself, on the same spot, while being all alone in his apartment, had definitely been something of great significance, making him feel more secure. At least a little bit.

He had cleaned up most of his apartment, when the words just _wouldn’t_ come out, as a form of distraction. When his main character just wouldn’t move from the spot he had last left him in.

Accommodating books on his shelf, on his desk… he swore he could see his own reflection on the floor at some point after mopping all around his living room.

Okay, that might’ve been the coffee in his system acting up.

He had sat down for a bit after that.

His phone had rung a few times in the past days, him picking it up for a limited amount of times.

To just let the people in his life, know that he, indeed, was still alive and would just continue on writing.

One of them had been Phasma, who had even tried for FaceTime when he had been on his way to the grocery shop.

Yes, he still did human-like procedures.

“Hux told me you looked like shit the last time you guys saw each other. I had to confirm it.” Phasma told him as soon as Ben had pressed the green button on his phone screen, making a stop on the empty sidewalk. Her friend’s eyes were back on his face after scanning him for a few seconds, Ben already regretting accepting the call as soon as his finger had come in contact with the screen.

He dragged the word _fuck_ inside his head until his friend spoke again.

“However, according to my Solometer, I don’t think you even reach the number ten of shit-looking.”

“Uh, thanks.”

“ _However_ , you do look like the last time you slept was at least three days ago. Am I wrong?”

“You are not. I’ve been writing.”

Writing could never make him feel miserable, even if at times he wouldn’t exactly be writing about shiny, happy things.

“Hux also told me he kind of suggested you to do that.” She groaned as she brought a hand up to her damp looking hair. She probably had just gotten home. “Oh, God, Solo, _please_ tell me Hux isn’t, like, the muse for this writing spree you have embarked yourself on.”

Ben reassured her his other friend was _not_ , indeed, his muse, before she could start shivering in fear. He had, however, helped him realize he needed to write and he was grateful for that.

Phasma thanked him and they talked some more.

He had proceeded to tell her the only topic that could be brought up was the writing process, and that only. Other things weren’t to be discussed.

She had agreed after a long pause, clearly holding something back but finally deciding to respect her friend’s wishes.

After some minutes of questions and answers, and Phasma also telling him about what she had been up to, like “finally selling the bloody car”, they both ended the call.

Even if he wouldn’t say, or show it much really, he really appreciated his friends checking up on him every once in a while. He would check up on them too, in maybe more subtle ways, but ways still.

Ben resumed his walk and soon made it to the grocery store.

He was seriously considering buying even bigger amounts of food than usual so he wouldn’t have to leave his cave for things like that for at least two weeks.

His cashier would probably throw a concerned look his way at the unholy number of bags of coffee he was planning on buying.

He was aware, however, that he had to be logical in a war-like situation when it came to grocery shopping. _You don’t need that much toilet paper, Karen._

Okay, his mind was slipping now. Even if he was right.

The cold temperature inside the establishment soon hit him as he set foot there, already searching with his eyes for an available shopping cart.

He remembered one time a little kid had been taking one out and had immediately left it in its place as soon as he had seen Ben standing behind him, waiting for him to be done.

It was safe to say, his height could sometimes intimidate people.

“Shut _up_ , Solo, chicks these days dig pale, unusually long guys who will have children looking just like that too.” Phasma had said once to him, in a mix of an American and British accent. “By the way, I just semi-quoted a Netflix show. Let me add it to your notes so you can add it to your list once you make an account.”

He hadn’t been sure of that statement as he had handed his phone to his friend.

He still wasn’t sure of that now…

Ben brushed any pointless thoughts from his mind as he approached the perfectly lined up carts.

This time, however, there wasn’t a kid in front of him.

Light brown hair, falling down free just below the shoulders, came to his line of vision, their back facing him as they struggled to take out one of the carts.

Ben stopped right in his tracks.

“Ah, fuck.” He heard them saying, heard her saying? It was a girl; he could tell better now.

She was petite, her head barely seeming to reach a little below his shoulders.

The way she was standing up, leaning against the cart, putting her force and undivided attention in getting it out. Because she _was_ going to get it out of there. That one specifically.

Ben didn’t even take one step closer as she got the cart she had wanted, at last.

She had made a happy sound as she took her cart, steading it and finally facing Ben.

He stood there as the woman’s eyes met his for a second, frowning at him right after and just rolling away.

_Well,_ _Phasma, not everybody seems to like pale, unusually long._

Grabbing a cart for himself, he went to the first aisle.

He had looked down at her shopping cart for a second, though, right before she had faced him at all.

The girl’s bag had been purple.

Ben had taken a step back.

* * *

The next day, Ben wrote some more.

And more and more.

Until he actually got a headache and had to step away for a bit.

He actually slept for a few hours, collapsing on his sofa as he had made sure he wouldn’t place his laptop somewhere he would end up absentmindedly kicking with his own feet, or something along those lines, and just about destroying the display screen.

The thought of those random colored lines all over his laptop was enough to make him shiver.

He had accidentally broken enough phone screens to last him a lifetime.

After waking up and taking a shower, Ben had intended to keep on writing as he lay down on his bed, back against the headboard, being so close to ending yet another chapter more.

That feeling of being near to conclude a chapter always felt like a small victory.

He had indeed intended to keep on writing.

However, his finger (yes, his own limb) had pressed over the Downloads folder, instead of the Documents one.

Clearly a mistake, he had every intention to go back to the right folder.

Once again, _intended_ to do that.

His limb seemed to have other plans.

_Right, blame your own body parts for the things you do._

He wasn’t really thinking, anyway, as he stayed in Downloads, scrolling down just a little bit.

To find the folder he had been unable to delete.

The one that had remained untouched and unseen for almost two weeks now.

The one he hadn’t dared to check again.

He thought as his finger, his limb, hovered over it. As well as his brain.

Definitely not needed to mention any other part or organ.

He sighed loudly and lightly rubbed his eye, as he adjusted himself in his spot.

He cleared his throat for his non-existence audience.

_There’s no point now, right?_

The only person he could end up hurting was himself now, right? So there was on that.

So he opened the folder.

There they were. Sitting soundly on his screen.

The four images that he had loved so much.

He sighed.

And then instantly frowned.

_Four?_

Ben quickly left his lying down position to sit upright, knocking down on the floor some pillows he had put under his arm.

He didn’t even care this time.

Four? They were three. Last time there had been three.

He had thought about them enough to be sure.

He stared at it as if it were an ad probably infected with virus and he had to make sure to press the right button so he wouldn’t give out his personal information and location to organ traffickers.

Maybe not the best analogy, but he got the feeling.

So, of course, because nothing was like it used to be, Ben pressed it without giving it any more second thoughts.

He instantly regretted it.

Since the pain he was feeling inside, right now, was nowhere being near to the one he had felt the previous time, in that same spot he was currently at.

Well, he couldn’t exactly call it regret, even if it did hurt…

Because it was _beautiful_.

Wide-eyed, Ben stared at the also-scanned painting that was now displayed on his screen.

He definitely hadn’t seen this one. He hadn’t seen it the last time. Had it been there?

He checked the download date as fast as he could.

It had indeed been there.

He went back to the picture.

The prince. The dark prince. There he was again, the realest one of all. The peaceful one, the one in between a constellation of stars.

The more alive one.

And he wasn’t alone.

Maybe he had never been, not even in the ones where he looked darker.

But this time, one could see it directly.

_Her._

_Us._

Standing face to face, was the dark prince, looking down at the shorter-in-height figure who looked up at him. With light in her eyes, the brown-haired girl dressed in white tunics, with a few bruises here and there, like his, gave him a bright smile that he was returning just as eagerly.

Just as happily.

Freckles.

There was light in his eyes too, as they were locked with hers.

Ben was certain he had also looked like that, he also looked like that, at the real-life version of brown-haired, freckled, white-dressed girl, even if he hadn’t realized until later on. With the stars in his eyes, so transparently, so real.

Maybe the girl hadn’t always been there with the dark prince, in the darkest moments of his life, but she had found him at last.

That was for sure.

A thought suddenly hit Ben, like a ton of bricks, his hand colliding against his mouth.

She was her. The lonely scavenger he had imagined.

The one he had helped come to life all these past days.

The one who had been in his fallen dark prince’s body and soul.

There she was, displayed on a screen, right in front of him.

Better than he could have ever imagined her.

Rey had beat him to it.

Maybe she had awakened before him. No surprise there.

Ben suddenly felt like the world was slowing down around him. Even in the loneliness of his bedroom, he felt like everything wasn’t going as fast as it always would be.

As if he had suddenly entered the cover image of an indie pop band (seriously, he was getting terrible at analogies), his head felt like it was spinning in a blurry daze, his eyes only being able to focus in certain things around him.

So, Ben looked at the picture.

He stared at it for an, unknown to him, amount of time until he managed to look up again, his eyes leaving the screen to try to find some peace.

But things weren’t going accorded to plan, as his wandering eyes fell directly into it, to his left.

By his drawer.

His throat felt like it was closing down.

To mention the pain in his stomach was pretty much pointless.

The lightsaber.

Their lightsaber.

Leaning, existing, shining along.

It was light, and it was right next to him.

However, this time, the knot dissolved faster than it had ever done before.

And then, right there, Ben remembered Leia.

_“There’s light inside of you, Ben. There has always been and there always will be.”_

_Ben hadn’t been able to stop her from commenting just before they ended the call, as he had felt tears threatening to come out of his eyes._

_She breathed, her tone lighter all of a sudden, almost amused. “Ben, you know, I always liked dark princes better than some vanilla good boy.”_

_Ben’s eyebrows went up so high, they almost met his hair._

_“Son, if you write a book, please,_ please _, make sure to focus on the fucked-up, definitely-not-fine brooding dark prince who wants the light. I’m sick and tired of seeing the definitely-not-a-saint princess get together with_ vanilla _boy.”_

And Ben was tired too.

So he pushed his laptop away in his bed as he stood up, almost tripping with the fallen pillows that he had not bothered to pick up, not even now, as he quickly made his way to his wardrobe, getting out and putting on the first sweater and jeans he had found lying there.

_Fuck_ , almost tripping _again_ with his pillows, he grabbed his shoes from under his bed, as he briefly sat down to put them on.

Once they were on, he _sprinted_ out of his bedroom.

Spotting his phone by his kitchen table, he quickly took it, among things, as he turned it back on, waiting for the screen to lit up.

_Oh, what am I doing, mother?_

He didn’t have a plan, he certainly didn’t.

Rational thinking? Or what he had always thought that meant. He was way past it now.

He just needed to _go_.

Maybe it was as simple as this, after all.

And this time, no mental breakdown nor panic attack was occurring.

This time, he was sure _why_.

He sprinted again, yes, to the door, quickly grabbing the knob with his free hand and twisting it with full force, feeling like in a movie.

Except for the fact that he had completely forgotten it was locked, and had pretty much almost twisted his own wrist as the knob didn’t even budge.

Waving his hand in the air, silently with an open mouth, and then, “Ah, _fuck_!”

He yelled.

Calmer now, he turned around to grab, in his own private walk of shame, the stupid key that was always in the shelf from his living room.

Taking it with him, he finally opened the door, however quickly once again because he hadn’t forgotten, couldn’t, and stepped outside.

Almost stepped _into_.

Because right there, was Rey, in the middle of the hallway of his apartment building.

Wide-eyed, like she had definitely heard the passionate _fuck_ he had professed to his empty audience.

And wide-eyed now too, probably, because a crazy-looking man who had just _flown_ out of his apartment door, was staring at her in complete shock.

And so, they stared at each other.

And, of course, she was the first to speak up.

Her eyes not leaving his, barely blinking, and confirming to Ben that he was not, in fact, imagining her, “You told me you lived at a block of flats and this was the only one close to the bookshop.”

Ben stood there.

“I also saw you walking this way the other day. From the bookshop. You’re not very… hard to recognize.”

_She is here. She is here right now, in my hallway. She is_ here _._

Was this that fucking fate thing he had gotten tired of reading about?

“This flat was the only one without a name on the list downstairs.” She shrugged. “Didn’t take rocket science.”

Breathless.

She sounded like it, and he sure felt like it.

All confidence and determination he had felt just a few _seconds_ ago, almost-sprained-wrist and everything, out of the window.

He gulped down.

_God, no, no, please, no, this is happening again, I can’t just fucking speak–_

She looked away, as her eyes had lingered in his a few more seconds, but now seeming to be unable to. _No_. Clearing her throat, “I- I know I said I wouldn’t show up to you again, and I intend on keeping that, it’s just that I found out you hadn’t been going to the university, they said you were sick and I–” Cleared it again, “I didn’t know if maybe you had– could have– where–”

“And then I heard you just now…”

Rey shook her head, Ben’s eyes following her every movement.

“Oh God.” Some sort of realization, suddenly hitting her.

Shaky breaths. Ben.

“Anyway, I see now you’re fine. I– I won’t do this again.” She waved her hand as she shifted on her spot with every intention to just leave, run away again, her eyes briefly meeting his again, showing everything and nothing at the same time, until they fell down.

Down to Ben’s hand.

The one that had been holding his phone.

Phone, which had Rey’s name on full display thanks to the lit-up screen, as he had searched for her saved contact.

With every intention on calling her.

He looked down at it too, his eyes widening as he realized.

Their gazes met this time, pure confusion all over Rey’s.

_Well, he had been caught._

Ben wasn’t too sure if he really cared anymore, at this point.

He didn’t.

Rey pointed at his phone. “Why do you–”

There was no holding back now, fuck all those times he had taken _forever_ to say something to her, at times not even saying anything at all. At least not everything he had wanted to say.

_Fuck that, fuck all of that._

He finally exhaled.

“I’m not fine.”

He shook his head, slowly.

“That’s not true. I’m not fine, Rey.”

She stopped in her tracks, still facing him, but the stern look she had had in her features all that time, dropping just a bit.

_God, she is beautiful._

She had one single bun on top of her head.

Clearly taken aback.

“What?”

He kept shaking his head, as he pursed his lower lip, refusing to ever let his gaze fall down from hers again.

_So you’re just going to say it._

Yes.

“I’m not fine.” He stopped his head. “These past few weeks have been absolute hell. Like many other times in my life, maybe even worse.”

She was frowning now, however anger wouldn’t have been exactly it.

“What? Why? Are you oka– I mean, have you been feeling unwell? Are you really too sick?”

She was full on Rey now. He knew her too much to know. Worried about someone she cared about.

Or used to care about?

Still, _worried_.

With her eyes, she scanned his face, glued to her standing spot still.

_Your happy eyes._

“It’s not… that.” He shook his head.

Silence.

She tilted her head, slightly, like the questions she had had in her head for a while, maybe the whole time she had known him, but had never straight up asked him, were resurfacing right this very second.

Ben looked down.

Maybe this wasn’t going to be as simple as he previously thought a few minutes ago.

Or–

“I’m not fine and I have anxiety.”

Ben finished.

And Rey was looking.

And he was looking at her now, too, not holding back.

It was really happening.

“Diagnosed anxiety disorder.” He cleared his throat. “At fifteen years old. Probably, most likely, had had it my whole life, though.”

He clutched his phone in his hand.

“I guess when someone is a kid, one would call it _being shy_ or _quiet_. So, it’s hard to tell.” He scratched his cheek.

They were in the middle of the hallway. Anybody could easily just walk in.

But he didn’t care.

_Ah, no, fuck it, you know what, this isn’t their business._

The only person he cared about at the moment was Rey.

And so, Ben grabbed Rey’s forearms covered by her flannel shirt sleeves, as gently but as quickly as he could, pulling her inside his apartment.

Startled, because he just didn’t _do_ that, she only reacted once she was already inside, facing him while Ben closed the door behind him.

He actually felt that tickling sensation in his hands, and other parts, after touching her, but pushed it aside for a moment.

She frowned. “Ben, what do you think you–”

“I worry _too_ much, Rey.” Ben nodded. “Too much. Even about things one should probably not really worry about. But I do get worried.”

He would’ve stopped there. He always did that.

He continued.

“These… days I’ve been worried at a whole other level, about things that I had never been worried about before, ever, not really.” Gulping down, “My mind… is too loud, way too loud, and the fact that my parents weren’t the ones making it _make_ noise, for maybe the first time ever, completely destabilized me. I’m not _used_ to that.”

His eyes threatened to fall down. “It’s never just my voice, Rey. I wish it was. I wish I could only hear my own voice.” He actually took a step closer. “Because if it was my voice the only one I would hear, Rey– if it was only mine–”

He looked at her.

_If it was only mine, I would’ve taken you home with me the other day. And the other one before that, too._

_Wait, wait, wait you still haven’t told her–_

He stopped himself.

To let her know something else first.

He could swear, however, that he saw something in Rey’s eyes for a moment at his intended approach. Even if she wasn’t letting her guard down, even with her eyes and her whole face. And he understood that.

It had been so brief, so small, but he had _dreamed_ about her looking at him like that again.

He had to say it, though. Or else, it wouldn’t be right.

Even if it ruined everything.

“Rey, I blamed my parents.” And he went on, “I blamed them for me being the way I was. The way I am. And I hated, _hated_ the idea of the past and holding on to it and not being able to see forward, to not find something forward… To not let me get attached to things.

“I blamed them for my anxiety. The yelling, the blaming each other, the misunderstanding, the just not _being_ there because of their busy lives and miscomprehension. Between them and with me. They made a big house in some supposed-to-be pretty neighborhood, with super-cool-parents, feel like a broken box of matches. Everything. I think them letting me literally _leave_ them and the country and just… home, was the first time I truly felt like they completely understood me. For the first time ever.”

He took a shaky breath.

_Please, please, voice, don’t fail me now._

“I had my friend and then made another one here and years went and went on and on and I didn’t get close to anybody else, not really, and even if my parents and I made _peace_ because I, too, came to understand things about my anxiety and about them, I still felt like I couldn’t– I couldn’t go back, because even going back there, physically, would feel like going back to the past and I _didn’t_ want that– I never wanted to feel that way again.”

Even now, he still had the godforsaken stomach knots, even now he still felt like he just couldn’t _breathe_ at times. Like his apartment was also a box of matches sometimes. The tiny black dots, and the headache and the buzzing in his ears and the _worrying_ and the feeling like he just wasn’t good enough in certain moments, no matter how much he tried. The not being able to _speak_. The having to count down. And how everything had been so much worse while being a kid. At least he thought so.

Going back there, to his past, would simply destroy him.

So he told her all of that.

His meds, which he had taken not too long ago, were sitting on top of his coffee table by the living room, him pointing at them directly for Rey to see, without any layer to hide them.

She had looked at them.

She had been _looking_ all this time Ben had been talking.

Swallowing hard.

“That’s why– that’s why I said what I said the other day. And even on the day we met.”

He searched for her eyes.

He shook his head, slowly, feeling _so_ much. He just knew his eyes were reflecting that.

And here it went.

“That’s why I’ve always wanted to say to you that… maybe the belonging you seek is not behind you, Rey. It’s ahead.”

He had wanted to say that to her since the first day he ever laid eyes on her. Even when he hadn’t been head-over-heels for her.

The day he became aware that Rey existed.

Their beginning.

Remembering her words, “I don’t have confidence, most of the time. Certainly, not security either. I– I try to. But if you’ve… found some _one_ , Rey… if there’s a hand there that wants to…”

_That wants to hold you and never let you go, and never let you be alone again._

Because it doesn’t want to be alone again either.

_I want to hold on to_ you _._

Me.

And this time, Ben stopped, not for himself, but for her, because she hadn’t said anything yet and he couldn’t just _drop_ that…

It was slowly hitting him how she was actually in his apartment now. In his space, the only place where he ever felt calmer and completely connected with himself.

Besides what the bookshop had also become for him too.

It took everything in him to control his thoughts.

He understood her now. Maybe for a while, really. He understood her reasons and her way of thinking, and it had managed to _change_ something in his own way of seeing certain things too. He hadn’t stopped thinking about it, all the time they had known each other, especially since their last conversation.

So he told her that too.

However, Ben wasn’t stupid. He knew. He knew the next part wasn’t going to be easy.

For the first time since they had met each other, Rey remained silent.

She was looking, yes, but now she was looking everywhere, probably, most likely, taking in everything that Ben had just told her.

His stomach was a knotted mess, but it was also the first time he was glad about it.

Because he had spoken and was waiting.

And not because he had kept it all inside.

And that was _good_.

_Rey_ , however, and what she would think or say, was what was making his body feel numb.

And even so, he understood.

And then she opened her mouth, looking at his side.

Ben’s focus had never been clearer and so pointed.

He watched her.

“Was I– was I what made noise in your head… these days?”

Ben stood there.

“What?” He asked, almost dumbfounded.

_Almost_ , yeah right, he was giving himself too much credit.

Dumbfounded.

She still hadn’t looked at him.

“You said that your parents weren’t the ones that made it make noise in your head, these days. And that that _destabilized_ you.” 

Right, he had said that.

“Was I the one who did it this time?”

_Oh, shit, wait, why did that sound like–_

So he rushed. “Wait, no, Rey, it… involved you but I didn’t mean it like that–”

Yes, he had been completely hurt because of what had happened with her, but the worry had mostly been because of the _way_ he felt about her and how he didn’t think he would be–

Good.

And the insecurities, and the ghosts, and the pain. The physical one.

“No, I– I just wanted to– to make sure… if I hadn’t done something…”

He shook his head, pursing his lips. “You didn’t. Rey. In no way did I mean to say you did something bad to me.”

“Okay.”

Had he basically just told her–

Or not.

She had always understood him, _always_ , even when maybe he hadn’t deserved it. Even when he didn’t think it could be possible. Even when she hadn’t known his full story.

He was sure he had covered some crucial parts, at least, for now.

She could see the meaning behind his words, she always could, not only about books but everything else, and now about his history, his mental health issues, his current life.

One was missing, still.

The one that involved her.

Involved them.

_Should I just give her the–_

“Why didn’t you– why didn’t you tell me all of this before?”

Her voice was almost unrecognizable in Ben’s ears.

He tried. “I just… I didn’t know how. I couldn’t.”

His own voice was almost unrecognizable too.

Silence.

_I have to let her know I understand._

He cleared his throat, looking down for a second at his hand. “Rey, I understand if you… if you want to leave now, or if you want to think…”

It had been too much.

_She has always understood._

So, Ben’s heart stopped when she nodded.

And what came after.

She finally looked him in the eyes.

Briefly.

“I shall do that.”

It barely registered in Ben’s mind.

Only when the door closed, making noise in all of the apartment, was that he realized how he had instinctively stepped aside, letting Rey make her way out of his home, without another word spoken.

Ben stayed in the same spot for at least ten minutes.

Unable to feel anymore the paper he had been clutching in his hand all this time, next to his phone.

And the blue colored pen with star designs he had bought several weeks ago.

And it felt like hours, they probably were, and Ben knew that he had spent too much time, wasting it, in worrying rather than in being alive.

_Devastated._

And that was now manifesting.

Had it really been that simple after all?

After a while, he opened the door.

He needed the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned. I mean it. Hehe.


	17. seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooooo! Chapter 17!
> 
> I know, another month has passed, but here it is! IT WILL BE COMPLETED!
> 
> Thank you so much for all the love ❤️ Every single read, comment and kudo you leave means the entire world.
> 
> Recap: Ben finally told Rey the entire truth about himself and his feelings for her, still, some things were left unsaid as Rey left the apartment.
> 
> Enjoy! 😉

And there was Rey.

Ben swung the door open, making an abrupt stop while his hand collided against the doorframe, as his eyes instantly met hers.

They both blinked at each other.

And then Ben blinked again.

And then Rey spoke.

“I stood outside and I think ten minutes passed and I wanted to come back in again but I realized that would’ve been stupid, maybe even childish, so I went to Maz’s to get some cake.”

She said it all in one breath.

He, on the other hand, didn’t have any breath left in him.

“That also gave me more time to think on the way there and then back here.” She cleared her throat, her eyes wandering now. “May I come in?”

Ben nodded.

“Thanks.”

He stepped aside to let her in.

She was indeed carrying one of Maz’s bags he was so familiar with by now.

Ben closed the door behind him, once again, half aware of his actions, as his hands remained behind his back.

He stared at Rey who turned around to face him.

“It’s Battenberg. She baked it yesterday when she thought I was still at work, but I saw her through the door when I got home early. She didn’t see me.”

Ben didn’t even have to force himself to speak at this point.

“Why didn’t she want you to see?”

“Because she knew it would remind me of you.”

_Shit._ Besides the obvious reason, another one was the thought of Maz hating him.

“H-how much– what does she–”

“I didn’t tell her everything, obviously. Not much, in fact.” She cleared her throat again, answering his thoughts, as she looked to the side for a second. “She could just tell something was off.”

“Involving me.”

She looked back at him and nodded. “Involving you, yeah.”

He looked down.

“I remembered there was still some left at our house so I went to get it.” She said while lightly shaking the bag in her hand.

Rey extended her arm to the coffee table in the living room and gently dropped it there.

_I thought you weren’t coming back._

He wasn’t going to keep it anymore.

He looked up at her.

At her eyes.

“I thought you weren’t coming back.”

She nodded. “Me too. For about two minutes.”

She wasn’t done.

“On my way there and back here, I thought about it, what you said.”

_Breathe._

“And I realized that… I really didn’t have much to think about.”

Ben felt his heart drop.

He was sure his eyes reflected the question he had on his head and heart.

So Rey continued. “I realized something else, though. And that was that… I didn’t feel any different after you told me about your anxiety from all those times. I didn’t have to.” She shrugged. “Like when we met at the bookshop and talked about books… or the time when we walked in the night and I sang like a mad person. Or when you met me on my birthday, or when I went to your classroom and gave you the lightsaber, or when you came to see me when I was sick.”

Ben swore he could hear his freaking heartbeat in every silence.

Her eyes on his. “I didn’t feel any different. You weren’t any different. It was just like on all those times. And all those times, we had been– we had been happy.

“I also hate the word “fine”. But, Ben, I think all those times together we had been what that word really means.”

“We had been light.”

He let out.

And she nodded.

“You had the anxiety then, too. You had all those thoughts, and voices, and ghosts, fears, doubts, insecurities, you had them and carried them with you, yet, you were still _you_.”

Rey’s eyes were saying as much as she was.

He still couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen it all before.

“Because the disorder isn’t you, Ben. It’s part of you, yes, but it’s not all of what _you_ are. And I understand that. I know that.” She shook her head. “Us, humans, none of us has only light or only darkness inside. We’re grey, we’re supposed to be. We should be. I wouldn’t want to be _only_ light. Not ever.”

He wouldn’t want that either. For himself and for her.

“Me neither.”

Rey nodded slightly now. “I figured you understood that now.”

He nodded back. “I do.”

Rey looked to the side, then. “I just… I really, really wished you would’ve told me. I get, I do, that it’s hard. I had always known you weren’t one to share everything all the time with everybody, and I _told_ you so before. I’ve always understood, but I still can’t help but–”

“Rey.” He searched for her eyes. She looked at him. “It has never been easy. I can… _count_ , literally, with one hand, the people I have ever really opened up to. The people I still open up to. And those people were my two best friends, sometimes my parents…”

“I was your friend, Ben.”

“No, you were more than that.” He shook his head, pursing his lips. _Not holding back._ “Even when I didn’t know it.”

Rey didn’t blink.

“Rey. You were on a whole different– you are a whole different person in my life and I didn’t know how– what to do.” He shook his head, his lip slightly, just barely, trembling. “I was– I was scared. It was all new to me. You were. What you could mean to me. It was all new.”

Silence.

She breathed out.

“It was new to me, too. It still is. I guess… I guess the reason I still wanted to know _why_ you hadn’t told me is because I was,” She cleared her throat. This wasn’t being easy for her either. She had always been as human as he was, “because I really wanted _me_ to be to you, like what you are to me.”

Deep feelings.

Deep enough to talk even about the deepest parts of one another.

_Oh God, this is it._

She shook her head as her eyes dropped from his. Her voice not audibly enough. “Ah, I know, God, _God_ , sorry, I just…”

So, he blurted out. “I wrote you something.”

Rey’s gaze lifted up immediately.

She didn’t ask, but the question was instantly all over her face.

Ben quickly approached his coffee table, right where he had left it, now next to Rey’s cake container, and took hold of the envelope.

He straightened himself fast enough, making his way back to Rey who had been following his every move, and without any more time to waste, he extended the beige envelope that had always belonged to her and her only.

Her eyes went big for a moment, but she clearly had not any more time to waste either as she quickly but gently grabbed the paper from Ben’s hand.

She didn’t ask what it was, just opened it.

And when the words were on full display for her, she didn’t need to ask.

It had taken a while, but he had given her the poem.

And he would never, ever hide any of them from her again.

Not if she let him make them for her.

And, considering Rey’s gradually seemingly-happy but seemingly-controlled expression on her face, it appeared, it didn’t matter just how plain _bad_ they were, she would always find some beauty in them.

She read it more than once, as nearly two minutes passed, when she finally looked up to him again.

Her expression now unreadable, which in Rey, was always impossible.

Two minutes?

That meant Ben hadn’t been breathing for two minutes.

“You wrote this.”

She said matter-of-factly.

Surrendered. “I did.”

“I see.”

Silence.

Ben wanted to smash his head against the wall but he knew Rey would probably get scared of that action and as of recently, the last thing he ever, ever, wanted to happen in his life was for her to run away from him. To give her away.

He was starting to feel his stomach twist–

And then she nodded, still holding the paper.

“I like it. I like it very much. This is the first time I have ever read anything from you besides the notes on Finn and Rose’s assignments. Have you always written things like this?”

She had said it all so fast, the words all barely got inside Ben’s brain.

But he got them still.

“No. Not really.” He said, carefully, and went on, “To tell you people thought I was a serial killer based on the things I used to write when I was younger.”

“They did?”

“They did.”

“Arseholes.”

“Thanks.”

She shook her head slightly, her gaze dropping once again on the paper.

She didn’t say anything.

Her eyes still on the paper, she suddenly said, “You know, I had been thinking about it too. For a while. Maybe even way before the day we saw each other downstairs.” She pursed her lip. “About belonging.”

Ben shifted in his place.

There was this too.

“I think I’ve known. For a long time, actually. But just recently realized it.” She sighed. “After that day, too.”

She looked up at Ben.

“My parents won’t come back. I know that. Of course I know that. And yet, I know things are going to be okay. The _real_ definition of that word.

“You weren’t the only one who was scared, Ben. Who feels scared and _worried_ most of the time, even when I probably shouldn’t. Even if it isn’t the same case. I was afraid too. I might still be in the future, but I don’t feel so afraid now to keep on trying to… hide the things that are ahead of me.”

She looked on the verge of tears, but she didn’t look sad.

He wanted to hold her so badly, feeling his own lip trembling.

But this was her new confession.

And she wanted to say every word without missing one.

“And even though I have Maz, Finn and Rose in my life now, even though I had been able to go on and overcome _so_ much stuff, I still felt like something was missing. I miss my parents and what we could’ve been, yes, I always will, that is never, ever going to change. But I won’t ever again stop myself from the things that _can_ be.” She shook her head. “Ben, you helped me see things I hadn’t realized before. Things that hadn’t let _me_ move forward. That’s the truth.”

He held her gaze, so deeply.

“So did you. With me.”

She knew that. He had already said it. But it had been so significantly he couldn’t help but tell her again.

Almost inaudibly. But he knew she could hear him because they were alone together. “It wasn’t a mistake.”

They both knew what he meant.

The second thing.

She shook her head. “No, it wasn’t.”

He bit his lip, his voice louder now. “I said “it’s not about that” because I did feel the same way. Maybe even more.”

Ben saw that same flicker in Rey’s eyes from previous times.

He wasn’t going to let it go away again. Never again.

“Rey, I want you because I want my hand to be the one yours holds on to. And I want mine to hold onto yours. If you’ll let me.”

And there it was, all the truth.

Ben didn’t know how was he still standing by the door.

And after a few seconds, Rey shrugged, again.

Still holding the paper.

Surrendered.

“I want you because I never thought I would like someone as much as I like the stars.”

She sighed, looking at him.

“Maybe even more.”

Her truth.

Ben didn’t waste any more time and made her way to her.

Only to be stopped by Rey’s suddenly extended hand on his chest.

Startled, completely.

_What?_

“Wh–”

“Ben. Do you promise you will never again say stuff like “I don’t deserve you” because, yes, you do, and will _actually_ use my saved contact number on your phone?”

Ben blinked.

Sincerely. “I promise.”

“Good.” She cleared her throat, her hand still against his chest. “Also, please don’t hide from me again. Even if I’m not there, I’ll still be there.”

_In that case…_

“Rey, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get my hands off you.”

“Good.”

And then she threw herself at him.

Quiet literally.

Making Ben actually stumble on his feet, as his hands quickly took hold of her to prevent them from falling on the ground.

And still, he wished they never grew out of it.

As Rey’s lips crashed against his, standing on her tiptoes (!), her hand was taking hold of his cheek. Ben was keen on not letting any more time go to waste, as both his arms instantly circled around her, holding her as close as he could.

And Ben Solo was kissing Rey again.

She was in his arms again. Finally. Like he could breathe again.

Like a spark of light had exploded.

And her hands were already tangled in his hair and he couldn’t even resist the small moan that came out of him.

Rey’s lips caught his soon enough again, showing clear approval of Ben’s reaction, tilting her head to give him better access to her sweet mouth.

He would be completely lying if he said he wouldn’t literally kill for that mouth.

His hands were all over her small back, while hers were still secured in his hair, as he pressed and pressed her against him while they kissed. Just like he had done last time, just like how he had dreamed so many times right after.

He felt the back of his thighs hitting what was probably the kitchen table.

They separated for a bit, eyes closed still, Ben’s lips not leaving Rey as he kissed her face. Every single part of her that he _adored_ so much.

Oh, her beautiful freckles on her cheeks.

“God,” He said in between kisses as his hands flew to her cheeks to hold her there. Finally, “I like your freckles so much.”

“You do?” Breathless. “I’ve always been insecure of them so I cover them up.”

“Don’t be.” He said as he pressed kisses on her nose and cheeks, fully aware of the tone of his voice, as breathless as hers, “Rey. Please don’t be. They’re lovely. Lovely like all of you.”

Rey pressed her eyes shut as her own hands also took hold of Ben’s face. “You’re so lovely too. So, so lovely. I like your face, your hair, your hands…”

Ben’s lips caught hers once again as they held each other, with every feeling they had had inside of them for so long.

His hands took hold of her flannel shirt as he pushed it off her shoulders as they kissed and kissed, leaving Rey with a grey blouse she had been wearing underneath.

In between desperate kisses, “ _Fuck_ , this is absolutely ridiculous. You don’t know the amount of times I dreamed of seeing your clothes on my floor.”

At this, Rey moaned.

But not without letting him know first, “Probably not as much I dreamed about you taking them off me.”

Something inside Ben snapped as he was too lost in the girl. The one who was already under his skin. And whose lips were quickly becoming one of his favorite things in the world.

Both of his hands were now on her sides, fingers under her blouse brushing against her skin, leaving goosebumps all over it, that he felt happening to him as well. Those little touches were enough to make her moan against his lips, which she was slightly biting just to keep on kissing him.

That made him take both his hands from under her blouse and slowly made their way under, to her thighs. Rey caught the drift quickly, as he began lifting her up, and she wrapped her legs around his waist, while his lips descended from her lips to her neck. A whimper escaped from Rey’s lips as he began kissing her there, causing him to moan against her skin too.

They were in Ben’s room now, as he had started walking forwards, right where the bed was, when they heard a little thump, indicating he had already hit his legs against it.

Rey arched her back a little, trying to tell Ben to drop her on the bed, since she couldn’t even formulate an actual sentence with the way he was kissing her now on the area of her neck.

“Ben… oh God… the bed...” she managed to get out.

Ben nodded against her skin and quickly put her down on the bed, his lips never leaving her neck, but still paying attention to balance himself on top of Rey so he wouldn’t crush her. Her legs were still pretty wrapped around his waist, shoes off, while his hands were roaming all over her, going up and down against her jeans.

She took his face with her hand and led him back to her lips.

Rey decided to turn things a little and quickly motioned for him to make them turn around. Their lips never leaving the other’s, she was now on top of Ben, straddling him while his long hands found her waist once again.

She pulled back a little bit from the intense kiss, but still leaving little kisses on his lips while taking his hands in hers and guiding them towards the buttons of her blouse.

Ben smiled against her lips as they both started working on getting rid of her blouse. He felt Rey smiling at his lips as well, brightly, as his fingers touched and caressed all of her skin that was starting to show up.

Her blouse was finally all unbuttoned and they quickly threw it off her to somewhere in the room.

She undid her bun as her hair was free now.

They stopped making out and Ben looked at Rey. Like r _eally_ looked at her. Now in her dark blue lace bra and black jeans.

“Oh wow.” He said in one breath as his eyes observed and then went back to her eyes. “Rey… you’re so beau-”

“ _You_ are beautiful.” She slowly pressed her forehead against his after properly seeing his, now, messy dark hair and sparkling brown eyes. She smiled against his lips that had her pink lipstick all over them, and so did he.

“We can both be beautiful.” He whispered against her swollen lips.

“I want to be beautiful with you, Ben.” She whispered back and quickly pressed her lips against his, already craving the feeling of them on any part of her skin.

Rey’s hands found their way to the hem of his black sweater, hesitantly like she was discovering something new, and started caressing the skin underneath, while his hands went from her waist to hold her face.

She couldn’t take it anymore and started tugging at his shirt, desperately wanting it out of him.

Ben got the memo and grabbed the end of his shirt to lift it above his head in a really swift movement.

He was smiling sweetly at her too and then quickly put his lips back on hers, tracing every single part of them with his tongue. Rey moaned against his lips as his hand found its way to one of her breasts.

Before he could even register what had happened, Ben turned them around and Rey was now back underneath him. She let out a gasp that he quickly covered with his mouth. Her hands flew to his hair, which it seemed was definitely one of her favorite things about him, while also descending a little bit to caress his bare back.

Ben’s kisses started going down, from her chin to her neck again. Then kept on making his way down to the valley of her chest, leaving kisses and small bites and making her moan even louder. He kept going down to her stomach, kissing and slightly licking with his teasing tongue, while she stroked his hair.

“Ben…” She moaned.

“Tell me… Rey…” He murmured against her skin.

“I… I- oh _God_.” She groaned as his mouth was on her waist, tugging at the band of her jeans with his teeth. “I dreamed about you… I dreamed about you, there. Ever since we kissed.”

She quickly started moving her hips, motioning that she wanted the piece of clothing out of her body.

Ben once again got her and hovered over her to take the jeans off with both his hands while she helped kicking it off with her feet. The jeans were now probably on the floor and Ben sat up in front of her, kissing her inner thighs and starting making his way back up.

He couldn’t believe.

“You… Rey, you don’t know how many- how many times I dreamed about fucking you here too.”

The moan Rey let out next sounded better than he ever imagined.

“Please, _do_.”

He couldn’t believe.

And it seemed she couldn’t either.

_Real._

“Rey…” He murmured against her thigh as he pulled her underwear down. “… _God_ , you drive me crazy.”

“What do you t-think _you_ do to m-me?” She managed to get out, because it felt like all the breath had been taken away from the both of them and they couldn’t even formulate a normal sentence. “Oh, _please_ …”

“Tell me…” He moaned.

And Ben’s name left Rey’s lips as his finally touched her.

And tasted her.

_Rey._

She cried out as she let his mouth do whatever it wanted with her, his hands grabbing her thighs as her chest heaved. She pulled on his hair.

She was as much his as he was hers.

_Tell me._

Drunk on her, he kept eating her out until their eyes met again.

He went back to kissing her inner thighs and started making his way back up.

Kissing every part of her body that his lips found, Rey wrapped her legs around his waist once again, pulling him closer to her.

“I’m _so_ crazy about you.” She whimpered. “I want you.” She took his face in between her hands and made him look at her. Ben’s hair was so messy, his eyes wild and his lips were incredibly swollen, and in that moment, he couldn’t believe it was possible for him to fall even more in love with her. But he was. “I want you.” She repeated looking him in the eyes.

“Rey… right now?-”

“Right now and after that and after that and after that.” She said against his lips and nudging her nose with his, not being able to control her smile.

Ben smiled too and nodded. “You don’t know how much I’ve wanted to ever hear you say that to me.”

She kissed his lips. “Then give me an idea.”

Ben started kissing her hard, making her let out a moan that he quickly kissed away. Her hands flew to his chest, caressing his soft skin that she was becoming so addicted to. They kept going down until they reached the band of Ben’s pants, instantly trying to tug them down.

Ben helped her with that, his pants out of the equation in a matter of seconds.

They kept on making out and driving the other over the edge, until Ben’s hands found themselves right on the hook of her bra and took it off.

He pulled back from her lips a little suddenly, looking at her. “Rey, are you- are you sure?” He panted “I mean, have you ever… you know.”

“No, I haven’t.” Rey replied. “But it’s okay, I’m sure. _So_ sure. I told you I want you.” She said in between kisses.

“Okay,” he nodded frantically “just making sure.”

Rey smiled fondly at him, her eyes all over his face.

Ben kissed her again hard on the lips after looking all over her too. “God… Rey, you’re _so_ fucking beautiful.”

Ben’s hands were all over her, touching and stroking every single part of her body that was on display just for him and he honestly still couldn’t get enough of her.

_Her tits._ He knew he was done for, he was already obsessed with them.

It seemed Rey wished she could do to him many of the things he was doing to her but she was pretty much new to all of that.

It was okay. If things worked out, they would have more times for her to do anything she wanted to him.

Now there she was, completely naked underneath him. She, who had had him wrapped around her finger for quite some time now.

The room was beginning to feel kind of cold despite all of what was happening between them, so Ben started pulling the white sheets on top of them.

He grabbed her by her bare waist and pulled her up, making her head hit the soft pillow.

She started kissing his neck while her feet started tugging at his boxers, the last thing separating him completely from her, making Ben moan in the process.

Ben looked at her in the eyes again, raising his eyebrows, asking if she was sure. She nodded and kissed his lips softly.

And in a matter of seconds, his underwear was gone too.

Ben quickly reached out to his nightstand.

It had been _a while_ but they were still there and useful.

And when it happened, when she was his and he was hers like never before, he swore he could see the stars and so much more.

The room was filled with moans coming from the both of them, something he never knew he needed to hear so badly in his life.

It felt _so_ good and if at first it had been a bit painful for Rey, him being extremely careful for her, now she just wanted and needed more and more.

“Ben…” she moaned out loud his name against his neck, her nails digging on his long back.

“Rey, you feel so good.” Ben whispered in her ear as he moved in her.

“I-” She bit her lip hard to hold back a scream. “Oh God, I’m so in love with you.” She said while moving her lips towards his.

Rey was panting, and she looked _so_ good. She was just too precious to him. Her beautiful eyes were shining, just like they had so many times before. “I’m _so_ fucking in love with you, Rey.”

He smiled brightly against her lips, the happiness inside of him getting out of control. He was in love. _So_ in love with Rey and it was one of the best things he had ever admitted to himself or to someone else.

And she felt the same way.

Ben and Rey started kissing again on each other’s swollen lips, still with those smiles in their faces, holding each other so tightly, absolutely nothing separating them, and being as close as they had ever been before.

* * *

They actually did the same thing all over again two more times. Or was it three?

They weren’t really paying attention to the counting.

* * *

He stretched out a little in his sleep, then slowly opening his eyes, adjusting them to the morning light.

He saw his beige wall in front of him. Always the same.

Same ceiling, same drawers.

His eyes went wide open.

_I had sex with Rey last night. Three times. Every single one kept on getting even better._

Ben’s arms were currently wrapped around her and her face was pressed against his chest, the white sheets covering both of them.

He smiled at the pleasant sight and slowly turned to be face to face with her.

It actually hit him so hard how much he loved the feeling of waking up next to Rey, especially after what had happened between them last night.

And she looked so peaceful in her sleep.

His hand went to her soft cheek and started caressing it. She was just so unbelievably beautiful to him.

Rey’s eyes started opening to look at him. They actually turned an amber color now that the sunlight was right in front of their direction. He almost sighed out loud.

She was now looking at him and smiling. “Ben.” She said his name in her morning voice that he found completely hot.

“Hey, Rey.” He replied back, almost laughing at how dreamy he had sounded.

“I can’t believe that wasn’t a dream. You’re actually here.” She snuggled closer to his chest, looking up at him.

He said while wrapping his arms tighter around her. “Same here.” He kissed her chin sweetly.

“I already knew you had the hots for me, though.” She teased.

Ben actually gasped and she let out a laugh at his expression. “Rey, are you using that _fuckboy_ thing speech with me?”

“Yeah.” She laughed and kissed his lips. “But don’t worry, sweetheart, I had the hots for you too.”

“Well, I’m glad we got that one covered.” He grabbed her face and kissed her back harder.

“Last night… was the… best night of my life.” He said in between kisses.

“Same here.” She imitated his response and he smiled in her mouth, that she quickly kissed away.

They both moaned the moment her naked body completely touched Ben’s underneath the sheets. His hand started roaming on her stomach to her back, but suddenly, he quickly pulled back and stopped touching her, resting his forehead against hers. “Rey, we can’t…”

“Yes, we can.” She whispered and grabbed his face to kiss him again. Not caring about anything else anymore. “You fucked me three times last night, may I remind you.”

Ben groaned against her lips. “Rey… shit, no, we can’t. I don’t have-”

“What?” She whispered while beginning to kiss his chest.

“I don’t have any more _packages_.” He finally said and she stopped the trail she was making with her lips on him.

Rey’s eyes went back to his, and a few seconds later, she started laughing.

She hid her head on his chest while he hugged her.

“Oh my God, I’m converting into some wanton woman. Ben, I’m sorry.” She said in between laughs of embarrassment.

“‘You fucked me three times last night’. Who are you and what have you done to Rey?” Ben said against her hair, making her laugh.

“Shut up. I was luring you into accepting.” She said against his chest.

“Would’ve worked if we weren’t out of condoms.” Ben’s hand found her chin and made her look up at him. “ _But_ I could do other things to you…”

“No, we really can’t.” She actually pouted and pointed at the clock that was on his nightstand. It read nine AM. “Because if we start something else, I’ll be late for work because I know I won’t want to stop.”

“Yeah, that last part I can pretty much agree on.” He said and she playfully slapped him on his arm.

He smiled.

* * *

“I really loved your drawings.” Ben suddenly said when they neared the bookshop.

“You did?” She asked as she looked up at him.

“Yes. I really did. I do.”

“Thank you.” She grinned.

_We can both be beautiful._

And he surely felt like they could.

They arrived at the bookshop and Rey turned to Ben.

He started waving. “See you la–”

Rey stood on her tiptoes as she grabbed his face and kissed him on the lips.

Leaving them, a loud kissing noise lingering in the air, she smiled brightly.

“See you.”

She pecked his lips one last time as she quickly turned around and entered the shop.

And Ben could see the trail of light right behind her.

She was glowing.

And so was he.

Ben walked back home, smiling stupidly at the floor.

* * *

_It happened._

He texted his friend.

And she instantly knew.

_Oh THANK FUCK!_

Indeed.

He smiled at his phone.

* * *

Ben saw the gates.

The usual number of cars and cabs were all piled up just outside, as all the students arrived.

Excitement. Classes were ending soon.

He started making his way inside as he adjusted the strap on his shoulder. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. About DAMN TIME.


End file.
